Hello, Hello

I blame myself.

If I didn't fuck up in the first place, I wouldn't have jeopardised our relationship, I wouldn't have jeopardised our emotions, and I wouldn't have made you do what you did.

I still love you with all of me. It's no use to say if I turned back time I would rewind what I did and exercise self-restraint - it holds no meaning. It doesn't make me any less horrible than what I already am, cause some things just can't be changed. They can't be mended, no matter how much you try. When things are broken, they're just broken. Unsalvageable.

Maybe it was my naivety that put me in this position. To think that if I gave it my all I would repair what has been damaged. Now I watch as my building falls for the second time, and I can't do anything about it.

People have been asking me, would you take him back if he came back? My answer to that is: in a heartbeat. I've been through it all - the ups and downs, the euphoria, the heartbreak, the relief, the disappointment, the happiness, the heart-wrenching breath-stealing pain that knocks you over and takes you forever to climb out of that abyss. When you feel that life isn't worth living anymore and you want to take that plunge.

Right before someone offers you faith, offers you their hand again, and you accept it, knowing you can make something good blossom out of something so horrid.

And when you have it stolen away from you again, your mind shuts down, your heart walls up, and you become nothing more than a walking, talking vegetable. You don't feel anything, you don't think about anything, you just want to close yourself in and detach your mind from your body.

I'm holding up well, I've got no more water in me to continue crying. Everything I touch, smell, see, hear and taste reminds me of him. Every night I retreat to the same place where we would talk about our future, talk about our children and our wedding, name the places we would go to when we get older and have more money. Every day I use the same wallet he bought for my 18th birthday, the headphones I bought at the IT Fair with him, the moisturiser I bought at Tioman with him, the tumbler I got at the Rapunzel movie I watched with him, sleep with the soft toys he caught and bought for me. If that isn't heartbreak at its fullest, tell me what is.

I remember our last days together as a couple. Sleeping in, sending me to work and talking with my colleagues, waiting for me to finish work for 7 hours before heading off to eat prata. Watching Sucker Punch at PS and playing LAN - right before I found out it was all a sham. His heart wasn't with me anymore.

If I really love him, I will let him go. I will not allow someone I love to continue being emotionally tortured, no matter how much I want to keep him by my side. As long as that love torments him, it's not the love I want to carry on.

But if he needs me, I will always be there for him to take him back with open arms. Because if one day he wakes up and finds that he misses me, and his heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be, thinking maybe he'll come back to the place where we'll meet, and he'll see me waiting for him at the corner of the street.

I'm not moving.

Yes, I Read Your Phone

You're probably reeling in shock right now. When? How?

Truth: When you were sleeping, I read through your inbox. It told me nothing - until I read your sent messages.

"Out with friends all day"

"I missed you the whole day"

"I've been thinking of you the whole time"

"I'm sorry I won't dao your msges anymore"

Tell me baby, when you said you loved me, were you thinking of her instead? Lie to her that you were out with friends, when you were out with me the whole day? You sent her that text right after talking to me and seeing me cry, when I went to bathe. What kind of fucked up man are you? Did you feel no guilt at all after seeing me cry? I guess not.

No more, you got your fingers burnt. And I'm not gonna bandage them for you.

3 Easiest Ways to Die

1. Have a cigarette daily

You'll die 10 years earlier.

2. Drink alcohol daily

You'll die 30 years earlier.

3. Love someone who doesn't love you back.

You'll die daily.

credits: www.melikethis.com

Dear Baby

It's gonna take time.

My mum actually told me before that I have to sort things out with you. That we need to sit down and talk it out. Because if we don't, our relationship is always gonna have that gap in between us.

But I told her - it's up to you to decide, not me. There's nothing else to talk about that incident, I've said all I've could and I've apologised all that I can. There's nothing else I can do. All I can do is pray that we both learn from this and move on.

Like I said, I'm not expecting that you get over it in a flash, or even over a long period of time. But there's always gonna be this gap if we don't put this behind us. There's only so many sorries I can say, and so many things I can do to make it up to you. The mental block that's incapacitating you now is suffocating us. I can only sit back and watch as you battle this by yourself, because now, there's nothing else I can do.

No matter what I've done, no matter what I've said, no matter how much I've changed - I still love you, and I still wanna marry you. I'm no longer the sweet innocent 15 year old girl you fell in love with, but there's no way on earth that noone changes. We make mistakes, we learn, we move on. It sounds so easy, but when we're dealing with emotions, it takes a toll on the human spirit and disintegrates human relationships when mistakes are made. Learning from it is one, but moving on is another.

I don't know what has been happening, but since last Saturday I've been thinking abt the incident too. I spoke to Shimin about it and almost broke down. I got so messed up inside that it messed me up on the outside too. I was ready to just leave everything of myself behind and move on to a new (and supposedly happier) life. But the one thing I couldn't leave behind was you. No matter how hard I tried and struggled, you're the one thing in my life that remains a constant. Even when I kicked you away, you never left me. That says alot about character.

You're the one I want to be with, you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you baby, and if this is something you want to do, I'll be behind you every step of the way. I never want to lose you again.

As for that douchebag, I don't give half a fuck about him. He ruined me, he ruined us, and that's something I will never get over. I don't forgive, neither do I forget, because in this whole thing, the one person who loved me the most got hurt the most even though he did nothing wrong. My heart aches when you tell me you have nightmares, when you tell me you see his face every time you kiss me. No one else can ever compare to you baby. You're the anchor of my life and the chicken soup for my soul.

I wanna marry you, have children and spend the rest of my life together with you. It breaks me that you may not want that anymore.