on a dark desert highway

2012.

2012-01-15T09:22:00.000-08:00

If this year was the end of the world - I'd be so sad, because now I have so many things to accomplish, so many things to do. My life has just begun.

It's still January of 2012, but I am so glad that last year has past, and this year, I can finally put many many MANY things behind me, and start again on a clean white slate. So many things have happened since my first visit to Sydney. I've since gone back once in end Aug, and Ming came over to Singapore in Dec and left in Jan.

I've stopped clubbing (in Singapore heh), and my grades have improved, although not to my mum's expectations. I'm getting As and Bs now, and hopefully I can keep that up and graduate asap, so I can start my new life abroad, far away from people who bring me down and make me feel like I don't belong.

Yet sometimes I don't wanna go - when I see those beautiful faces that have been with me through thick and thin, never judging me when I went down, and tried to help me get up again. Now that I'm back up, I'm a little sad to leave Singapore in <3 years, because this is where I grew up, where I had my memories, where I had my first love and heartbreak, where I made friends that I'd keep my whole life, where I lost, and found myself.

This is real late - but I reckon it is time to reflect (:

The 2011 Reflection :D

Glad to see 2011 go? :
Time to officially start things on a clean slate.

Age turned in 2011? :
20. Finally hit the big 2 hahaha

Did you change your hair in 2011? How?:
Nope, didn't do shit.

The best part of 2011? :
Meeting Ming, and finally falling head over heels in love again :P

The worst part of 2011? :
Being absolutely insane until I went to Australia - I betrayed myself and everyone close to me.

Who will you never forget (or at least try not to)? :
Those I've met in Sydney, I highly doubt I'll ever forget them.

Who did you wish you did not meet in 2011? :
Many, many, many people.

Did you have a partner in 2011? :
Yes, I found a pet koala and adopted it :D

Did you fall in love in 2011? :
I GOT FORCED INTO IT, PLEASE. Haha I fell in love with a koala-wombat mix.

Did you catch someone in a lie in 2011? :
Too many times.

Did you call them out? :
Yeah I did. This year I was heaps more confrontational.

Did you get caught in a lie? :
Tried not to lie, but obviously I reckon I did.

Funniest moment of 2011? :
Bob Marley sessions man, THE BEST.

Most embarrassing moment of 2011? :
Haha, TOO FUCKING MANY.

Did you take any vacations in 2011? Where? :
Melbourne, Sydney, Sydney, Batam, JB, Bahau, Bangkok, Samui, Krabi, Phuket. Most places I've ever been to in a year.

Any new hobbies of 2011? :
Keeping travel tickets and shit. HAHHAHA

Did you get a new job in 2011? :
Tried Attica in Oct.

Did you lose a job in 2011? :
Couldn't cope with the hours + schoolwork :/

Did you host a party in 2011? :
Yea I did, my 20th birthday at my place with the DN crew (:

Where did most of your money go in 2011? :
Travelling.. and others :D

What song will always remind you of 2011? :
I AM HERE TO WAKE YOU UP! TUUTUUTUUUUU (Hardstyle :D)

What do you wish you’d done more of? :
Kept my friendships close, but I reckon I have a problem with that.

What do you wish you’d done less of? :
Clubbing, drinking and doing things that I'd regret the rest of my life

Biggest achievement in 2011? :
I quit it all! (:

Biggest failure in 2011 :
Betraying myself and my morals.

In 2011, did you lie to miss a day of work / school? :
Every year the same answer will be YES.

Did you move in 2011? :
Nah, just found a new home in Sydney (:

Did you wish on a shooting star in 2011? :
Nah, none this year. Only those lanterns in Phuket.

What was your greatest musical discovery? :
HARDSTYLE BABY hahahahh

What was the best book you read? :
Didn't read books this year :P

What was your favourite movie of the year? :
Repo Man (Not sure when it came out but I watched it this year hahaha)

What did you want in 2011 and got?
Someone who loves me for who I am and didn't mind my past, and loves me wholeheartedly and can give up everything he has for me (:

What did you want in 2011 but didn’t get?
I wanted to be back with Bryan, and I didn't get that. But hey, God always has a plan for you.

Did you make-out in public in 2011? :
Yes, I reckon so. -.-

Who/What kept you sane? :
MINGAPORE.

Who did you miss? :
MINGAPORE :(

Who was the best new person you met?
MINGAPORE :'(

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
MONEY TO FLY/STUDY TO SYDNEY. :(

Did you drink too much in 2011? :
Yeh, in the beginning half of the year. After Sydney, I was like "Fuck that shit" lol

Your favorite commercial of 2011? :
ZILCH.

Something you couldn’t leave home without in 2011? :
Cigarettes, and I've learnt the importance of a LIGHTER.

How did you spend New Year’s 2011? :
Drinking with DN peeps at Muddys.

Valentines Day 2011? :
Honestly, I don't remember. I think it was with Bryan, but ah well.

Easter 2011? :
Didn't even remember lol.

Halloween 2011? :
Working at Attica (:

Thanksgiving 2011? :
I was either at Bangkok or at Samui hahaha

Christmas 2011? :
SAMUI! :D

Your birthday? :
Can't remember what happened in the day, but at night I went to ECP with Bryan and he lit me candles. Spent the night there.

How do you plan to usher in the new year?
(Already did) With Ming, and I did.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011 :
Never judge a book by its cover, never hang on to the past, know what is valuable to you and stick to that. Be confident in yourself (:

Australia.

2011-08-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

I think, it's time this blog ended its run.

Reading back on the entries I made before I went to Australia, I was honestly one fucked up girl, just waiting to go down the slippery slope of no return and waste my life in an abyss of fuckitude.

But the unexpected happened.

One person held out his arm and lifted me up. I feel no more pain, no more anger, no more self-loathing, all because of one man. Obviously I still have a long way to go, but in the three short weeks I've known him, he boosted me up so much, got rid of my demons, and helped me believe in the potential that I am truly made for.

No more wasting my life away - I am changed.

I AM HAPPY (:

Focus, finish uni, and then be with the man who holds me and wipes the tears off my face when I'm crying, who looks into my eyes when I'm smiling, and puts in the time and effort to straighten me out when everyone else gave up on me.

I love you Ming (:

If

2011-07-14T06:09:00.001-07:00

If you're just out there to make use of me, I'm almost begging you -

LEAVE.

I'm so sick and tired of being disposable.

Guys who know me, romance me, pretend to be interested, all so they can get my friends' numbers.

Guys who pretend to be chummy with me so I can sign you into Zouk (HELLO, I CAN'T AND I'M NOT PLANNING TO, GET YOUR FACTS RIGHT).

Guys who act nice, but have hidden agendas - plenti-fucking-ful.

This year outside the confines of the church have taught me enough about the real world. I feel older, more exposed, more experienced - and I am confident to say that many people my age have not gone through what I've gone through.

Being emotionally vulnerable, being taken advantage of, knowing the right people, only to realise they're actually the ultimate wrong people to know, greedy people, people who have hidden agendas, people who build you up then crush you down again, people who disappoint you, people who take drugs and try to pull you and your friends into their web, people who make use of you, people who spike your drink, people who are out to get you drunk and naked (yes, being fucking blatant here), people who play with your emotions - THESE PEOPLE, like i said,

PLENTI-FUCKING-FUL.

I can only trust at the most - 3 guys and a handful of girls. Surrounded by people that I've stated above, these people have proven to be trustworthy and of sane mind.

Thank god I'm leaving, and leaving all these people behind.

Last Entry

2011-07-13T12:22:00.001-07:00

before I leave for Australia (:

The past week has been quite a down for me. There're a lot of bottled troubles and hurt that I never had the chance to release, until the recent days, when I fell sick and people who were concerned about me asked, and in med-delirium, everything just came spilling out.

Now that everything's less bottled up, I feel more comfortable sharing my problems on this public blog.

The first thing that hit me hard was my breakup with Bryan. Those close to me know that it's been off and on since we 'officially' broke up. We still went out, watched movies, behaved like a couple, pretending we were together. But beneath the tranquil surface, it was all shattered and nothing could be repaired. Something we both knew, but couldn't find the guts to talk to each other about.

And all these time, I really hoped there was a remedy. A hope that we could still be together, regardless what he said to me, what he did to me, and what girls he was seeing while going out with me on the side. It was stupid, but I was happy just being with him. I didn't mind being second class, someone on the side, to accompany him when he was bored or when he needed a place to stay. In that situation, I placed myself beneath what I was worth. I still texted him, even though he didn't reply, and in one message - I still typed "Love you baby, goodnight (:". It was a fantasy, a figment of my imagination I was holding on to. I didn't mind being taken as the backup, as long as he was happy, I was happy.

But deep down, I was broken, very sad, unsatisfied. I always felt like I was of worth to him, because of our 4 years together, because of the promises he made to me. Even if he couldn't fulfill them totally, a slight portion was still all I wanted.

The turning point came when I accompanied him to poker night. As per normal with the poker gang on Saturday. I was alright at first, because everything seemed part of the routine, as if we were still a couple. But as the night wore on, uneasiness started to sink in. I went outside Nick's room (where they were playing poker) to cry a few times. I felt that being degraded from number 1, to number 2 or 3 wasn't how I was supposed to be treated. At that point in time, his phone ran out of batt, so sitting outside, I texted him one final text.

"Hey, I know you'll probably only see this when you get home. But I think from now on, we shouldn't see each other anymore. I think that I deserve someone who treats me like the best, and not something that he can have at his beck and all. I may not live the best lifestyle now, but I definitely think that I need someone to treat me like I exist, and not a shadow in the corner when he's with someone else. I'm not the best gf, nor the sweetest girl, nor the best wife-to-be, but I do need good ppl in my life. You think you are one, but you don't know how much hurt I feel when we're together. I'm better than that. And I hope you find your happiness. Thank you for everything, but I no longer want to be someone dispensable. And, I think you should treat ******* better. Every girl deserves the guy to tell the truth to her. If she's not the one, don't lie to her and yourself just because you need someone to be there with you. She deserves more and you deserve more as well. Don't jump from one girl to another, you'll end up hurting ppl and yourself as well. I hope you take my advice on acct of our history. I will always love you, but from now on, I can't let myself be vulnerable to you anymore. Bye Bryan."

That text tore me up so badly when I typed it. But regardless of the consequences, I sent it.

In honesty, I actually met Bryan one more time. It was an impromptu meeting, with no agenda and no plan, because I had work in one hour's time. Before we parted ways, he broke my heart one more time.

N: Hey, on your birthday I'll be in Australia. Do you want me to call or Skype you for your birthday?

B: There's no need for that.

N: Hmm why? I mean, we've been spending our birthdays together for the past 5 years.

B: It's alright. To me, you're nothing more than a ghost from my past.

For the first time, I cried during DN briefing. I was so hurt, and if you guys know me, I make it a point never to cry in public. Grief spreads, and I hate to see ppl around me sad as well. Besides, it's one hell of an ugly show.

For now, Bryan has made it a point to hurt me time and again, saying things to me that degrades our past relationship, making it seem that it never existed. I was never someone impt to him. But it's alright, I'm trying to move on from him. It's gonna take time, and that's why I'm so happy Australia is finally here - a holiday is the best way to get over a failed relationship.

The second thing that hit me hard was my family. For the past half a year, I've been on a rebelling stage - staying out late, sleeping late, drinking, smoking, and basically everything that a rebellious teenager would do. One reason for that was because of my family. Every time my dad was home, I would argue with him. It was something so common that my mum told me once - "When daddy's home, you stay out better. At least got peace in the house." And so, I did. I stayed out, didn't want to go home, didn't want to see my parents till they were asleep. Plus, my dad sleeps late, so I made it a point to stay out even later than most normal people do.

Recently, my parents were arguing. About work, about me, about money, about responsibility - and my dad suggested getting a divorce. To me, I've witnessed my dad's temper, throwing things around, shouting vulgarities, and basically being a wildman. I ran out of the house once to meet Dom after one of my dad's serious temper tantrums where he thrashed the master bedroom, and I just sat at East Coast Park with a pack of cigarettes and an ice cream cone, refusing to go home. Dom just sat there, accompanying me till I felt that it was safe enough to return. That happened a month of two ago.

One afternoon, I actually woke up to shouts and screams from the house. My door was locked (whenever I sleep), and when I listened carefully, it was my mum screaming at my dad. I haven't seen her lose it like this for a long time, and I knew it was a lot of bottled resentment and frustration about his nitpickiness, his sudden anger. Living with him was like living in a minefield. He said things about me behind my back before, stuff that degraded me as a daughter to him. And at that point in time, they were on the brink of a divorce. I was emotionally neutral towards it, because honestly, I felt that it was a better solution to both of them. My mum packed her bags and called my brother to pick her up to live with him. All this time, I stayed concentrated on nothingness on my laptop, useless rubbish to numb whatever was going on. For parent's problems, children have nothing to say or interfere, their happiness banks on solely both their shoulders. Seeing this, I made it a point to leave the house whenever I could - to party, to work, to drink and eat dinner with friends, just because I didn't want to stay home.

Then the tables turned on me. My dad, seeing that I come home late all the time, bicycle chained the front gate so I couldn't enter the house without the code. Out of resentment and pure rebellion, I didn't text any one of my family members where I was. I refused to answer their calls, and refused to reply any of their texts. I wanted to not give a shit about what they thought, because if my dad could do that, obviously he didn't want me home. So he asked, so he received. I bunked over at two different friends' places for two nights, going home only in the afternoon to shower and rest. My siblings stood with me on this (not 100%), they disagreed with my dad chaining the front gate. I made no effort to care whether they were worried, or angry, or anything. To me, I am 20, I am a young adult, I can take care of myself. When there's a will, there's a way. Being unaccountable for my whereabouts was wrong, but as long as I returned home safe, there shouldn't be any disputes. Besides, what environment do I return home to anw?

But something happened. I came home in the afternoon after bunking over at a friend's place, and locked myself in the room. My parents came home, and after a long chat over the phone with my sister in the early morning and my mum in the late morning, I thought it would be diplomatic to apologise to my dad (This always happens. Not my fault, but just apologise.). I went downstairs, found my dad, hugged him and said sorry. He burst into tears (not even joking, he literally cried). He said he was worried sick, and that worry turned to frustration and anger. I promised him to always account for where I was, and return home slightly earlier (:D).

For me now, it's all a work in progress. WRT relationships, family and everything. There isn't a solid pillar in my life I can lean on but myself. Hopefully, this trip to Australia rejuvenates me, so I can start the next half of this year on solid ground, and not mistakes.

There are many problems that I have inside me, but these two are the main ones and the ones I am willing to share. Problems with boys, friendships and such all exist as well, but they pale in comparison to these two. Unless you are really close to me and I know you to be non-judgmental and tight-lipped, it's highly likely you will never find out what these things are (: Hopefully this clears the air as to why I drink, smoke and club so much. Not saying that it is advised or that it solves anything, but at least I get to enjoy nights where I am carefree, and take care of people who are going through what I've been through.

Oh man, I feel like an older sister now.

You'll Always Be My Weakness

2011-07-05T20:13:00.001-07:00

Much as I try to leave you behind by ending things the way it should have months back, every time I read a quote about love, or love lost, you always seem to magically appear in my head.

It hurts me so much because I know that you probably never thought the same, that I am some distant memory, a past, perhaps even a regret, and you've moved on to something far better and greater than me. For that, I'm really happy for you.

I know that you won't be happy with me, not now, not ever. That's why I decided to end things once and for all. And for the fact that I feel that I'm being used by you, that we no longer had the same relationship we once had, much as I tried to rekindle that love. But mistakes are mistakes, and I don't expect you to forgive me, or come back to me, because I know right now we're both not in the right and mature frame of mind.

I just don't know who was the one who gave up on us first - me or you?

2011-06-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't blogged in a while. There's been alot going on lately, mostly bad stuff, and right now I'm at my breaking point.

After going through forests and forests of guys, it all comes full circle again. The same two guys who tore me apart, and sent my life spiraling down. Who knew karma would come and bite me in the ass one more time, by the same two people who hurt me the most 9 months back?

I realized one thing - noone will be happy with me. Whether in a relationship, in a family, or even in friendship. I may be dubbed "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Smiley", but nothing hurts me the most than knowing I will never be put first on someone's list.

I've been living a lie for the past few months, thinking that he's somewhere out there, that guy who will shower me with happiness and hurt me to know that I will grow and be a better person, yet never leaving me when I need him. Apparently, that guy doesn't exist, and I doubt he ever will.

Like they've said: I'm an awesome friend to have around, but a really really sucky girlfriend. I honestly couldn't agree more. It's my lifestyle, the way I think and behave, my priorities in life, and basically everything that I am.

I may be one of the most cheerful, funny and nice ppl around, but that doesn't make me beautiful in anyone's eyes. It's something I have to get used to, something that I have to learn to grow into. And hopefully, by the time the right one comes along - he'll shatter that image once and for all. But for now, I'm gonna have to learn to live by one sentence:

I keep my heart lockdown.

You won't affect me, and you won't influence whatever I do. I am in control of my feelings and emotions.

How to Love A Woman

2011-05-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

- Bob Marley

The Moment To Fight

2011-05-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

A warning to the people, the good and the evil
To the soldier, the civillian, the martyr, the victim
This is war

A warning to the prophet, the liar, the honest
To the leader, the pariah, the victim, the messiah
This is war

It's the moment of truth and the moment to lie
The moment to live and the moment to die
The moment to fight

To the right, to the left, we will fight to the death
To the edge of the Earth, it's a brave new world from the last to the first

I do believe in the light, raise your hands up to the sky
The fight is done, the war is won
Lift your hands, towards the sun, the war is won

I believe in nothing
Not the end and not the start
Not the earth and not the stars
Not the day and not the dark
But the beating of our hearts
One hundred suns until we part

I believe in nothing
Not in satan, not in god
Not in peace and not in war

I believe in nothing
But the truth of who we are

:P

2011-05-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

Whenever my phone vibrates, I just anticipate a text from you, cause it makes me happy (:

Correction.
YOU make me happy :D

I think I may be falling in love all over again, because noone makes me feel the same way you do. When I hear happy songs it's your face plastered all over my screen monitor. I used to be sad thinking of you, but now I just feel happy - and looking forward to you REPLYING MY TEXT MSG (HELLO YOU VERY BUSY IN ARMY MEHZXSZXSXZ) :D

It's hard to feel the rush
To push the dangerous
I'm gonna run back to, to the edge with you
Where we can both fall back in love
I'm hanging on a moment with you
I'm on the edge with you

If you could see me now (:

Creative Spasm

2011-05-10T07:42:00.000-07:00

This is the time of the year where bullshitting skills count for everything.

************

Y'know, I really do miss you. Whenever I talk to other guys, you always pop up. I remember everything that you said, I remember everything that you did, both good and bad. And sometimes that leaves me wondering why the hell everything went haywire in the first place.

It's not your fault. I know I've changed. From good to bad - who's to judge? But what I do know is that I still have a conscience, that I won't go back to you unless I know you're the only one for me. I'm having too much fun to even consider that now. But for you, you have no idea what, and who you want. When one's unavailable, you jump back to the other. When one shows no interest, you find the other one.

What do you have to prove?

That you're still attractive? That you still got it? An ego boost at what cost? I've been there, done that, and I know the price to pay. I warned you, and I can't stop warning you because I guess, inside me, I always hope that we'll still walk down the aisle some day, and Davion will one day exist.

Before all these happened, we were so young and innocent, carefree and beautiful. All that's left now are shreds of those days. All part of the process of growing up, I gather. What does it take to make me get over you?

Why were we so cute back then?

Jar Of Hearts

2011-05-07T17:42:00.000-07:00

I know I can't take one more step towards you

Cause all that's waiting is regret
Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love I loved the most

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half-alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?

The Old Person Quiz

2011-05-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

You're at a bar and your friend buys a round of tequila shots. You...
(1) Down your shot, then your friend's shot, then order another round.
(2) Down your shot, thank your friend, and retire home for the evening.
(3) Turn down the shot - you have work tomorrow.
(4) This entire scenario is unrealistic - bars? What is this, college?

Your friends are camping out for concert tickets. You...
(1) Get a keg and a tent -- you're in.
(2) Give them money and ask them to buy you a ticket
(3) Pass -- can you believe the crap those kids are listening to these days.
(4) The music's too loud, parking is a pain, and everyone's on drugs. No, thanks.

Your friends are at the beach throwing the football around. You...
(1) Organize a tackle football game - straight out of the Abercrombie catalog. But straight.
(2) Just throw the ball around nice and soft -- while enjoying the sun's rays.
(3) Don't throw the ball at all -- that's a good way to get your trick shoulder worked up again.
(4) Don't go to the beach because sand gets in places you don't want sand to be, and the sun is a big blaring ball of potential Melanoma beating down on you.

You're house sitting in your friend's ridiculous mansion. You...
(1) Throw a house party that will make Kid N' Play's hair fall out.
(2) Invite a small group of friends over for a dinner party.
(3) You have a date with his comfortable couch, a glass of Chianti, and the latest Clive Clussler.
(4) You leave early because you're old and depressed and it's strikingly clear you'll never be able to afford a house of similar size.

You get a girls' number. You...
(1) Call her that night for a booty call.
(2) Wait the allotted 3 days and ask her out for coffee.
(3) Wait the allotted 3 days to call and plan a dinner.
(4) Don't call because phones are too confusing.

The stock market is crashing. You...
(1) Don't care because you aren't invested in the stock market.
(2) Care a little because some of your buddies are on Wall Street.
(3) Start looking for a ledge to jump off of.
(4) Find it exciting to actually have something to talk to people about.

It's the first beautiful day outside in a while. You...
(1) Fill a thermos with gin and step outside.
(2) Barbecue with some friends. Maybe even cook a steak
(3) White-wash your fence.
(4) Bird-watch with the new binoculars you bought off of QVC.

You just found out that you won the lottery. You...
(1) Spend half the money on booze and the other half on strippers.
(2) Buy a really cool car that you've always wanted.
(3) Diversify thru mutual funds and CD's.
(4) Do not want to cash in the ticket for fear that "once Uncle Sam gets his hand in your pocket, he won't let go."

You're at a sporting event and a jerk is causing a ruckus. Do you:
(1) Hit him with a beer bottle and when he looks over, point to the guy next to you.
(2) Berate him about why he's being a jerk and if he wants to fight you say, "Yeah, like I'm gonna fight you over a sporting event."
(3) Alert an usher about said jerk.
(4) N/A. Don't attend sporting events because of chance of inclimate weather and escalating price of concessions and seriously, have you seen what they're charging for a cup of birch beer nowadays? It's criminal.

You're flipping thru the channels and you see that a "Golden Girls" marathon just started. You...
(1) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
(2) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
(3) Watch it - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages
(4) Watch it (at an increased volume) - that show is awesome and appeals to all ages

Assign yourself the corresponding points for each answer and tally them.
For instance, if you answered choice (1) to a question, give yourself one point, and so on and so forth.

10-15 - You're young at heart, or you're an immature jerk. Either way, do as you please.
16-25 - You're still hanging on to that last vestige of youth. Many people your age shake their head at your antics.
26-32 - You're starting to get that old person smell. Give it up
33-40 - You may be dead already.

Credits: Barney Stinson's blog.
P.S I know right HE HAS A BLOG, FOR REAL.

Alternate Reality

2011-05-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

I thought I would finally be put first on someone's list.

It wouldn't have been a surprise, given the history we have. All the people I've met, to all of them, to every single one, I am nothing but second place.

Someone to meet when the sun has already set, when most of the population are in their slumbers. Someone to have fun with, to drink with, to drunk talk with. A late night girl, not to be seen in the daylight.

I was getting tired of being just that.

You came along, and I thought it was gonna be different. I know you well, so well. Then I saw your phone again, and thank god I walled my heart up, so I didn't feel hurt right there and then. One of the main reasons why I will never fall in love in the next few years or so.

To all of them, I am an alternate reality. I will never be real, I will never be deep, I will never be loyal, I will never be a strong girl.

I am nothing like that.

For You I Bleed Myself Dry

2011-04-29T02:00:00.000-07:00

The stars were beautiful last night. But no matter how much you tried to convince me they were stars, to me - they were satellites. Posers, imitations, their green lights gave them away.

I agreed to meet you. Not because I wanted anything from you, to get back, to be together again, for you to forgive me, nothing. I just wanted to see how you were, what possessed you to text me things like that, and whether or not you meant what you said, or you were just tipsy and felt like it at that moment.

Right now I'm enjoying my life of freedom. No obligations, no strings attached, no accountability. I could meet whoever I want, at whatever time I wanted, without having to take your feelings into consideration. I thought you were booking in, that's why I asked my friend out for late drinks with me. Not because I wanted to make you jealous or what not, that's just retarded.

I told you that you'd regret it. I told you that my heart doesn't feel anything anymore. I remember you telling me when you went off: "I don't regret this", but trust me, you will, in due time. My heart feels numb to pain, but just talking and being with you makes me wanna die. The hours and effort and money put into alcohol and partying doesn't make me feel any better the moment I'm sober and I see a text from you, or you yourself. I feel numb 99.9% of the time, but once I talk to you, that 0.1% comes back. And I reach for that bottle of whiskey.

I won't say I don't love you anymore. But I don't feel like I have the tendency to love anyone anymore. I'm just playing around now. And that's why I don't want you near me. Because, you're the only person I won't flirt with, the only person I won't text just because I want to play, you're much more significant to me than that.

And no, you won't bring the old Nal back anytime soon.

At the end of the night

2011-04-17T04:13:00.001-07:00

It doesn't matter where I am.

It doesn't matter what I've drank.

It doesn't matter how much fun I had.

Because once I'm alone, once I'm sick and tired of doing what I do, I think of us.

I look back at our pictures. I wonder what has happened. I fantasize that everything is still alright, that you're just too busy to reply to my texts. That nothing has changed.

Someone told me, it takes women a half of the duration of the relationship to fully get over the guy. And it takes the men the entire duration of the relationship to fully get over the girl.

That means:

2 years for me,

And 4 for you.

Honestly, I don't know how long I will take. I'm throwing away every fibre of common sense. There's no sense in what I did, and what I tried to do. So, what's the point?

But you make complete and utter logic.

You win.

I hope you do.

OH HAWT DAYUM

2011-04-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

Boy, why you gotta be so cute?

I really like being with you, hanging out and just talking about life. That night we spent 4 hours just chatting away (despite the awkward circumstances) made me feel so loved (seriously, loved), pampered, and just practically took away all the hurt and disgust I was feeling about myself.

When you looked me straight in the eyes and told me to stop thinking about myself that way - you pretty much captured my heart. (HAHA FUCK THIS IS SO CORNY)

When I opened my heart and my hurt to you, you didn't judge me, you just listened and nodded your head, like you understood where that pain was coming from, the reason for my tears and fears, the insecurity I had and the plunge in self-esteem I took when I free-falled from my life.

Sharing with me about your own life made me realise that I wasn't the only one who's been through shit that life has thrown to us, that everyone has their own problems, and it's no use dwelling on them. Cause at the end of it all, you gotta get your focus back and pay attention to the things that need attention the most - studies, friends, fun. In that order.

You may be much older than me, but you don't look down on my age. You think I've gone through much more than my peers, and know more abt the world than most of them. I honestly wouldn't say that, cause everyone does stupid things all the time - just for the heck of it. I land myself in trouble, THEN I learn. I don't do things theoretically - I make mistakes practically. And sometimes the most obvious things need to be tested out to check whether they really are as bad as they sound. P.S they're not always bad (: (I could give some examples, but nah, some things are meant for me to know and for others to find out hahahhaha)

Like you said, this may be unusual, and to both of us, this is kinda creepy-weird in a pedophiliac way, (PEDOBEAR HAHAHAHHAA) but if it works, it'll work. We'll just see how it all turns out in due time.

Honestly, I'm either a 25 year old trapped in a 20 year old's body, or you're a 21 year old trapped in a 28 year old's body. I'd like to think of it as your fault :D

I do miss you though.

Dead and Gone

2011-04-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

I've been traveling on this road too long
Just try'na find my way back home
The old me's dead and gone, dead and gone
I've been traveling on this road too long
Just try'na find my way back home
The old me's dead and gone, dead and gone

I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
The old me is dead and gone

THE NEW ME WILL BE ALRIGHT

We've moved on. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I did, which you never think are mistakes till you make em and the consequences come flooding you.

I've met someone better than you, I hope he's not a rebound guy, he's too good to be someone like that. Let's just see how that works out for me.

As for you, take care, be safe.

Love,

Yours, forever and ever.

Come what may.

STOP

2011-04-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

I met a friend during lecture today, and talking to her for 5 minutes totally woke me up. Seriously. She can be a freaking counselor - I would pay her. This is how our conversation went:

S: Babe, I read your FB. What happened? You keep posting like emo shit and all.

N: Yea, my bf left me for another girl he met at the club after like, a week.

S: What the fuck. Seriously?

N: More or less, yea.

S: Babe, stop posting those emo comments. You don't need to keep letting him know how emo you are and all. It's like so pathetic.

N: Yea, I know right.

S: Like seriously, move on. Quit sounding like a whiny bitch when he's out there with some other girl enjoying life.

N: True, true.

S: You don't need him, and stop posting emo stuff. It's like so loserish.

N: HAHAHAHA babe this is like the best advice someone has ever given me.

Thanks to friends who asked after me and telling me how much a douchebag my ex was. No matter how much of an ass he was, I know alot abt him to know he's more than that, that's why I couldn't move on. But nonetheless, I'm trying my best to get past everything. Date more ppl, enjoy being single for a while. It doesn't matter. I know it won't help me in the long run, but right now, I can be what I wanna be without accounting to anyone.

It's amazing how many stories I can tell my grandchildren in the future (:

My kid: Mummy, can I take "brownies"?

Me: Sure, go ahead, it won't kill you.

HAHAHHA my kids will be damn lucky.

Loved and Lost

2011-04-03T09:47:00.001-07:00

I'm about to lose my mind

You've been gone for so long

I'm running out of time

I need a doctor, call me a doctor

I need a doctor, doctor, to bring me back to life.

Bring me back to life

Since you left me, my life has gone to shit.

I deal with this the only way I know how - party, drink, dance, party, flirt with guys and drink some more. Sometimes I wish I was perpetually drunk, so I won't think so about what happened so much. To me, this is the only way I know how to repair a broken heart.

It's like since you left me, I've totally lost control of myself. I do things and not think of consequences anymore, I don't give half a shit about school or my finances or my health. I do what I want to do, and I don't care if anyone really cares about me. Cause all I needed in my life was you. I could give anything up for you, if you asked.

But that one mistake cost me everything. That one lapse in judgment made me into who I am today. It made my self-esteem decline into near oblivion, because I no longer know what I stand for and what I deem as important. I don't wanna work anymore, I just want to drink. I don't want to study anymore, I just want to party. I don't want to love anymore, I just want to get high and wasted on things that cost me money. I don't respect myself anymore, I just want to do things I enjoy doing.

Right now so many things are bugging me. Acads, money, you - so I try to run, and I end up creating more trouble for myself. I've been played by so many guys the past two weeks that I'm so numb to it. I've been spending so much money that I'm pretty much fucked till my pay comes in. I've been delaying on work that I know I'll die when tests and assignments are due.

It's sad, I know. But what can I do, when I can't let go?

Hello, Hello

2011-03-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

I blame myself.

If I didn't fuck up in the first place, I wouldn't have jeopardised our relationship, I wouldn't have jeopardised our emotions, and I wouldn't have made you do what you did.

I still love you with all of me. It's no use to say if I turned back time I would rewind what I did and exercise self-restraint - it holds no meaning. It doesn't make me any less horrible than what I already am, cause some things just can't be changed. They can't be mended, no matter how much you try. When things are broken, they're just broken. Unsalvageable.

Maybe it was my naivety that put me in this position. To think that if I gave it my all I would repair what has been damaged. Now I watch as my building falls for the second time, and I can't do anything about it.

People have been asking me, would you take him back if he came back? My answer to that is: in a heartbeat. I've been through it all - the ups and downs, the euphoria, the heartbreak, the relief, the disappointment, the happiness, the heart-wrenching breath-stealing pain that knocks you over and takes you forever to climb out of that abyss. When you feel that life isn't worth living anymore and you want to take that plunge.

Right before someone offers you faith, offers you their hand again, and you accept it, knowing you can make something good blossom out of something so horrid.

And when you have it stolen away from you again, your mind shuts down, your heart walls up, and you become nothing more than a walking, talking vegetable. You don't feel anything, you don't think about anything, you just want to close yourself in and detach your mind from your body.

I'm holding up well, I've got no more water in me to continue crying. Everything I touch, smell, see, hear and taste reminds me of him. Every night I retreat to the same place where we would talk about our future, talk about our children and our wedding, name the places we would go to when we get older and have more money. Every day I use the same wallet he bought for my 18th birthday, the headphones I bought at the IT Fair with him, the moisturiser I bought at Tioman with him, the tumbler I got at the Rapunzel movie I watched with him, sleep with the soft toys he caught and bought for me. If that isn't heartbreak at its fullest, tell me what is.

I remember our last days together as a couple. Sleeping in, sending me to work and talking with my colleagues, waiting for me to finish work for 7 hours before heading off to eat prata. Watching Sucker Punch at PS and playing LAN - right before I found out it was all a sham. His heart wasn't with me anymore.

If I really love him, I will let him go. I will not allow someone I love to continue being emotionally tortured, no matter how much I want to keep him by my side. As long as that love torments him, it's not the love I want to carry on.

But if he needs me, I will always be there for him to take him back with open arms. Because if one day he wakes up and finds that he misses me, and his heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be, thinking maybe he'll come back to the place where we'll meet, and he'll see me waiting for him at the corner of the street.

I'm not moving.

Yes, I Read Your Phone

2011-03-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

You're probably reeling in shock right now. When? How?

Truth: When you were sleeping, I read through your inbox. It told me nothing - until I read your sent messages.

"Out with friends all day"

"I missed you the whole day"

"I've been thinking of you the whole time"

"I'm sorry I won't dao your msges anymore"

Tell me baby, when you said you loved me, were you thinking of her instead? Lie to her that you were out with friends, when you were out with me the whole day? You sent her that text right after talking to me and seeing me cry, when I went to bathe. What kind of fucked up man are you? Did you feel no guilt at all after seeing me cry? I guess not.

No more, you got your fingers burnt. And I'm not gonna bandage them for you.

3 Easiest Ways to Die

2011-03-09T10:13:00.001-08:00

1. Have a cigarette daily

You'll die 10 years earlier.

2. Drink alcohol daily

You'll die 30 years earlier.

3. Love someone who doesn't love you back.

You'll die daily.

credits: www.melikethis.com

Dear Baby

2011-03-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

It's gonna take time.

My mum actually told me before that I have to sort things out with you. That we need to sit down and talk it out. Because if we don't, our relationship is always gonna have that gap in between us.

But I told her - it's up to you to decide, not me. There's nothing else to talk about that incident, I've said all I've could and I've apologised all that I can. There's nothing else I can do. All I can do is pray that we both learn from this and move on.

Like I said, I'm not expecting that you get over it in a flash, or even over a long period of time. But there's always gonna be this gap if we don't put this behind us. There's only so many sorries I can say, and so many things I can do to make it up to you. The mental block that's incapacitating you now is suffocating us. I can only sit back and watch as you battle this by yourself, because now, there's nothing else I can do.

No matter what I've done, no matter what I've said, no matter how much I've changed - I still love you, and I still wanna marry you. I'm no longer the sweet innocent 15 year old girl you fell in love with, but there's no way on earth that noone changes. We make mistakes, we learn, we move on. It sounds so easy, but when we're dealing with emotions, it takes a toll on the human spirit and disintegrates human relationships when mistakes are made. Learning from it is one, but moving on is another.

I don't know what has been happening, but since last Saturday I've been thinking abt the incident too. I spoke to Shimin about it and almost broke down. I got so messed up inside that it messed me up on the outside too. I was ready to just leave everything of myself behind and move on to a new (and supposedly happier) life. But the one thing I couldn't leave behind was you. No matter how hard I tried and struggled, you're the one thing in my life that remains a constant. Even when I kicked you away, you never left me. That says alot about character.

You're the one I want to be with, you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you baby, and if this is something you want to do, I'll be behind you every step of the way. I never want to lose you again.

As for that douchebag, I don't give half a fuck about him. He ruined me, he ruined us, and that's something I will never get over. I don't forgive, neither do I forget, because in this whole thing, the one person who loved me the most got hurt the most even though he did nothing wrong. My heart aches when you tell me you have nightmares, when you tell me you see his face every time you kiss me. No one else can ever compare to you baby. You're the anchor of my life and the chicken soup for my soul.

I wanna marry you, have children and spend the rest of my life together with you. It breaks me that you may not want that anymore.

GIPL STAFF PARTY 2011

2011-02-28T10:02:00.000-08:00

So I didn't get drunk like I wanted to, but I did manage to try the FlowRider, which was awesome shizz.

To justify why we party like rockstars:

(1) By 11pm, two staff were hospitalized.

(2) A fight broke out upstairs.

(3) We were smoking in the pool.

(4) We had our boss with us in the pool.

(5) We had tequila shots in the pool.

(6) I had two shirts and both were wet.

(7) We spammed our coupons and ordered drinks that I doubt we finished.

It would have been awesome if it were held in September though. Ron, Jon, the Smurfs and so many of us would still be here :/ It was a good night, finished off with supper at Simpang (what's new) and just a talk cock chillax session with the gang.

Hopefully those hospitalized will recover soon. We are all gangstars.

I really really love working here.

Continuation

2011-01-24T09:11:00.000-08:00

Day 01: Ten random facts about yourself.
Day 02: Nine things you do every day.
Day 03: Eight things that annoy you.
Day 04: Seven fears / phobias.
Day 05: Six songs that you’re addicted to.
Day 06: Five things you can’t live without.
Day 07: Four memories you won’t forget.
Day 08: Three words you can’t go a day without using.
Day 09: Two things you wish you could do.
Day 10: One person you can trust.

o1. Text/call ppl.

o2. Hug my pillowwww. :D

o3. Facebook.

o4. Something that harms my health.

o5. Say "bye" to my doggies (so sweet right hahahaha)

o6. Go to perezhilton.com

o7. Sing in the shower.

o8. Put coins in my tong tong (:

o9. Spend money :(

*****************************************************************

Haha okay, trivialities over.

School has begun, and apparently, unbeknownst to me, results were out last week. I got an average GPA of 3.5 (Bs for everything), which is supposedly good. But according to my dear friend Amin, our cohort's average GPA is like 4.0.

WTF. That's like an average of B+ for every student. And manwhores like Weixiang got a 4.5 GPA. WTFBBQSAUCE. I'm not too phased by this whole grade system thing, but dudes and dudettes, I'm just trying to get an average score and leave NTU at the end of 4 years, please stop making it so difficult for me can? Kthxbai.

I've been working my ass off during the holidays so I could earn more money. But no matter how much I worked, it's like the maximum ceiling I hit is $750 - no more than that, all because of CPF who deducts my pay after it reaches $500. Sigh. I need another job, so I can earn more money without having to tire myself out day and night and day and night :/

To update ppl who don't read FB, I lost my stuff at Phuture. Don't ask me how much I drank that night - I remembered up to 7 bottles before totally blacking out. I arrived home with one shoe outside my house gate and my bag missing. My IC, NTU EZLink card, ATM card, handphone and $40 were gone and I have to pay $100 to get a replacement IC :( Thank god I didn't withdraw more money when I went to the ATM with Bryan right before we entered Zouk. Did I mention I woke up in my house toilet? Talk about epic. HAHHAHAHA!

This post sounds hasty and all, but right now my mind is somewhere else - in a forbidden area of my mind where only Eragon or Galbatorix can infiltrate. :D :D :D (I've been reading heeheee) I hope your 2011 has been good so far, mine has been good and bad - but mostly bad. Bryan makes up the good days (:

Bye friends, I doubt you'll see an update any time soon. Anything FB msg me, I'm using a temporary cell number. HASTA LA VISTA! :D

Because I'm bored

2011-01-11T07:28:00.000-08:00

o1. I drowned my iPhone in Koi ):

o2. I work in an Irish pub as a floor staff, cashier and bar-back.

o3. I record videos of myself singing.

o4. I don't post those videos.

o5. I never wear heels to club.

o6. I don't drink much, I swear.

o7. I get verbal diarrhea when I'm trying to prove a point.

o8. I love soft toys way above flowers. (:

o9. I never finish water in my bottle and usually leave them in there for weeks.

1o. My hair colours always end up being brown.

SO ANGRY

2011-01-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

ANGRY ANGRY.

How much bitchier can you get?

If only you fucking knew what everyone else is saying abt you, before you come and fucking judge me according to the brief timeline that you knew me. Overall, I'm just more accepted by them, because I don't call them "dumb", "stupid" and I don't judge other ppl as much as you do. I'm not arrogant, I'm not full of myself - I know I'm not the best at what I do, but you like to compare yourself to other ppl and think you're way better than them if you're given 'time'.

So you think you can read me? Just because what you thought abt me was and is true - so what? You fall into your own fucking self-fulfilling prophecies because you only concentrate on what you say and focus on that result. Oh yea, I forgot, you don't even know what a self-fulfilling prophecy is.

The thing is - I trusted you, right before you turned around and bit me in the ass. If I told ppl what you told me what you thought abt them, I can guarantee you'll be gone in less than a week. If you think I'm full of myself - I quote Paramore: "I'll point you to the mirror".

Don't be such a douchebag. Don't be so goddamn arrogant. Don't be judgmental and play god.

1st and 2nd of January

2011-01-05T11:57:00.001-08:00

Those were two of the most awesome dayz of my life (so far :D).

I met Bryan in the afternoon on the 31/12/10 and we spent the day just lazing around cause of my sore throat and runny nose. We went to his house to bake brownies for Ethel's new year party, but we couldn't make it cause we couldn't get a cab AT ALL. We waited like half an hour for a taxi before deciding to go straight to Clarke Quay to join the guys for the countdown.

We arrived at Brewerkz at around 11pm. The guys just started drinking, so we were all just talking normally - till MR GENIUS TAN decided to get the guys to all down the beer. They technically drank through 2 towers and a jug of golden ale. Bryan puked 6 times, while Glenn was so drunk that he went from being damn noisy to damn quiet. They were making such a scene at Brewerkz that I went to apologise to the staff for being a nuisance, and I took the glasses away from the guys just in case they decided to break them :D

Nonetheless, it was damn fucking entertaining. They did so much shit that I can't even bring myself to tell you guys what they did. It was just too fucking awesome. We counted down in style (drunken style) and went home around 2 plus cause Bryan and Glenn were just too fucking gone to stand straight.

The girlfriends just sat there, drinking our cocktails (Key had a sling, while I had a strawberry daiquiri which the staff took away when I went to the toilet to look for Michael! :() Oh, I forgot to mention that Bryan fell on the floor. HAHAHAHAHA I had to help him up and his pants were all wet. OH OH and Mike spat on Glenn cause he choked while downing the beer straight from the tower tap, and when Glenn was drunk he returned the favour. Fred was high-fiving the girls on the table next to us when they left, and he made friends with a bunch of guys in a table next to us. Awesome.

Mike, Fred, Jwen, Glenn, Bryan, Victor, Yongqiang, Zhanhong, plus gfs Evelyn, Key, Indrid (?) and me totally wrecked Brewerkz (the guys did most of the work though). Evelyn was quite traumatised by their actions. HAHAHA I apologised to her, but she gotta get used to Jwen's friends, like Key and I have :D

Bryan went back home on the morning of 1st Jan, so I wasted my time at home (I woke up damn late) before heading down to Muddys to join the DN gang for another good night. I didn't have much - one bottle of Magners, we had 3 jagertrains and 1 bombjagertrain, and a double whiskey coke, courtesy of Osman. I ate loads though, spicy chicken drumlets, wedges and chili crab dip, onion rings and WARM CHOCO PUDDING (yay)! By the end of the night, Vish was fucking gone, Nikki was perpetually shouting (as if we couldn't hear her hahaha), and Wilson had his arm around my head saying: "YOU ARE AWESOME!" Jon was there, and his cousin as well. The only person missing was Ron, that manslut who's in Canada now :/ After Muddys closed the guys headed off to Naughty, and girls weren't allowed ): So I cabbed home and met Bryan at my place (at 3am) to spend our 4th anniversary together (: Although, I got kinda high and started blabbering nonsense till 5am. Nikki called me and I think I just blabbered rubbish to her :P

Overall, it was an awesome night (: I can totally rmb what Vish was saying to me in his drunken stupor, it's the most hilarious shit ever :D

2011 started on a good note - loads of alcohol, partying and friends, without me getting drunk at all (: Here's to a clean and sober 2011 yayzxsxszxz! :D

2011 Resolutions :D

2011-01-02T10:43:00.001-08:00

1. Stop smoking completely.

I stopped buying packs alr, and I only take one or two a day when I'm at work from my colleagues. Eventually I'll feel too bad to keep taking from them, so I'll totally stop in due time. I'm really making an effort to stop cause it's bad for my health, and I need to help Bryan to stop as well (:

2. Stop drinking so much.

Not total abstinence, but as long as I don't get wasted, I think drinking once in a while should be fine :D

3. Stop clubbing so often.

I NEED TO START SLEEPING AT NORMAL HOURS! :P Clubbing's fun with friends, but I gotta start doing that in moderation, reaaaaaaaalllllyyy moderate.

4. Stop swearing.

I need to be more ladylike hahaahaa. And it's uncouth anws heeee

5. Study more.

I make this resolution every year.

6. Lose weight.

I make this resolution every year too. ):

7. Love Bryan more :D

He's been so awesome to me since 2007, and he's the loml :D I'm never gonna let go of him again. Heee speaking of which, 2 Jan was our 4th year anniversary. We've been together so long, we decided not to celebrate it - haha old couple alr lah :P Well actually I was out drinking till 3am, and the alcohol kicked in only when I reached home and I started blabbering nonsense till 5am, and we both woke up late. There wasn't time to celebrate since he was booking in at 2030 :/ But we're gonna have makeup celebrations :D

8. Start saving money.

I always take money for granted. And now that I'm in a shitload of debt, I better start saving to pay them off (:

9. Spend more time with my friends.

I'm always so busy working/studying that I always forsake my friends :/ Hopefully I'll get to see some of them more in 2011! :D

10. Spend more time with family.

I've been neglecting them since god knows when, so I better start pulling my act together and love them the way they should be loved. (:

11. Get my life back on track.

Needless to say, 2010 wasn't that good for me. But I've learnt alot, and I wanna move on from whatever mistakes I made and make 2011 an awesome year - not only for me, but for the ppl around me (:

Last Post of 2010

2010-12-30T10:17:00.001-08:00

Since the last post, things haven't been going well. Nonetheless, I can't wait to usher in a new year - new hopes, new dreams, new things.

I'm finally trying to quit smoking. I haven't been able to go completely cold turkey yet, but I'm trying my hardest to stop. I take about 2 a day from friends, and I've already stopped buying packs. It hasn't been easy, but I want to leave this whole cigarette thing behind me in the year 2010, because 2011's gonna be a new beginning for me.

I'm also gonna stop clubbing so often, probably about 2-4 times a month from now on, drinking as well. It's not good for my body, and it's not good for my wallet ($.$). I'm still not over that phase, but I guess it's good that I'm making a conscious decision to stop. I can't carry on like this for the rest of my life, and I won't (: So for the first part of 2011, I'm gonna work like a dog. Feels like I'm starting 2010 all over again when I just worked and worked all the way in January :D

The 2010 Reflection :D

Glad to see 2010 go? :
Yup! This year has been really eventful and memorable, to say the least.

Age turned in 2010? :
19!

Did you change your hair in 2010? How?:
Chopped it off when it was brown, dyed it full red, then dyed it black with orange highlights. Heehee :D

The best part of 2010? :
Knowing that love overcomes all.

The worst part of 2010? :
Handling the transition from a pious Christian to a wildchild. It wasn't easy.

Who will you never forget (or at least try not to)? :
All the people who've worked in DN, whether I've known that for a while, or I've known them since I started working (:

Who did you wish you did not meet in 2010? :
Every single person changed my life, regardless how messed up it became.

Did you have a partner in 2010? :
The most amazing person in the world.

Did you fall in love in 2010? :
I did - he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Did you catch someone in a lie in 2010? :
Haha, obviously.

Did you call them out? :
Maybe - I'd rather not be a tattletale.

Did you get caught in a lie? :
Yes.

Funniest moment of 2010? :
All the drunk shit that happened at nights out with Glenn and the DN people. The craziest shit happens :D

Most embarrassing moment of 2010? :
Aga's fucked up Dare Game. It's horrible.

Did you take any vacations in 2010? Where? :
Tioman with Bryan (:

Any new hobbies of 2010? :
I realised I like to collect foreign coins. HAHA! :D

Did you get a new job in 2010? :
I tried teaching. (:

Did you lose a job in 2010? :
I finished teaching. :D

Did you host a party in 2010? :
Don't think so. Maybe created an event, but didn't host a party.

Where did most of your money go in 2010? :
At least $2.3K went to church, after leaving most of it went to alcohol, clubbing and food.

What song will always remind you of 2010? :
The new DJ Earworm remix just came out - Don't Stop the Pop. So I guess that!

What do you wish you’d done more of? :
Worked more to earn more money.

What do you wish you’d done less of? :
Chillaxing during exam period :P

Biggest achievement in 2010? :
Got 4A2B for A Levels, graduated from SOT, went to WKW, and I haven't even gotten drunk before. :D

Biggest failure in 2010 :
Giving up on my relationship for someone else who wasn't worth an eyelash.

In 2010, did you lie to miss a day of work / school? :
In uni, nothing is compulsory. So I technically never lied.

Did you move in 2010? :
Nope (:

Did you wish on a shooting star in 2010? :
Could we pretend that airplanes in the nightsky are like shooting stars? HAHAHA

What was your greatest musical discovery? :
The teachings from Sherlyn. She really did help my voice to improve, just that I killed it with smokes.

What was the best book you read? :
Metamorphosis wasn't half bad.

What was your favourite movie of the year? :
Haha I watched significantly lesser, but I guess Rapunzel? I can't be too sure.

What did you want in 2010 and got?
I got a MacBook Pro (although it's on credit and I'm gonna have to pay it back). I wanted to go to SOT and I graduated. I wanted to go to uni and I did. I wanted to lose weight and I (seemingly) did :D It's been quite blessed.

What did you want in 2010 but didn’t get?
I wanted to be with someone else, but I didn't get that, and I thank God I didn't get what I want - cause I guess, I don't know what I want.

Did you make-out in public in 2010? :
Haha!

Who/What kept you sane? :
Who says I am? (:

Who did you miss? :
I do miss Wong, Char, Sihui and Roll. I still meet them, but not as often as before I suppose.

Who was the best new person you met?
He was the best - and the worst new person I've ever met.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'll never know (:

Did you drink too much in 2010? :
I realised my answer to this in 2009 was "Nope. Never did. (:". My answer to this in 2010 is "Yes. Too much. (:"

Your favorite commercial of 2010? :
I'm immune to commercials, like COCKROACHES.

Something you couldn’t leave home without in 2010? :
My cigarettes. But now I can.

How did you spend New Year’s 2010? :
In the city with Bryan. We just cruised on a bus after visiting Sentosa (:

Valentines Day 2010? :
Bryan was in camp I think. I think I was working. :P

Easter 2010? :
Church.

Halloween 2010? :
Penny Black before Rebel/Zirca. I met Jesus there. Haha!

Thanksgiving 2010? :
I don't celebrate Thanksgiving. (:

Christmas 2010? :
Bedridden with a fever.

Your birthday? :
In SOT with Team 18, before heading home to a surprise of Wong, Sihui, Linkai, Merrill and Roll at my house waiting to spring an attack on me. Then dinner at a Thai restaurant and Island Creamery with family, before heading down to Rebel with Ron, Jon, Shimin and Nikki. Haha, I remember.

How do you plan to usher in the new year?
With the people I treasure and love, and want to keep for the rest of my life.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010 :
Never be as crazy as I was when I was 19. Haha! And don't be naive as well. Take good care of your health, and live life happily without limits, except for the sake of the people whom you love and love you back. :D

Hell and Highwater

2010-12-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

So, Christmas is here - which means the end of the year is approaching.

This year has been, to summarise in a word: conflicting. No matter how bad things may have went, and how messed up my life has been (and maybe still is haha), I must say that it's been a really good run. I've learnt so much this year, about life, love and living. Life and living are different - life is the way things run (semi-automatic), and living is the way you choose to run it (manual).

The beginning of the year started out great, hakuna matata. The cellgroup just multiplied under a new leader, we were getting adjusted to the changes, and my life was basically stable. Bryan and I were never so much more in love, having spent our 3rd year together, which is honestly quite a feat for couples our age, and I really love having someone who knows me inside out, and cares for me no matter what I chose.

I started working at DN in Dec. It was a totally new experience, I was exposed to beers, liquors, liquers, food and just so many things that were just eye-openers. I didn't even know what Grey Goose and Johnnie Walker were, honestly. I learnt so much from that place, and I met so many good friends who teach me things that I wouldn't have learnt if I wasn't there. Friends like Aga, Alli, Ron, Maur, Nikki, Shimin and many many others who have taught me so much in such a short time.

I also got back my A Level results in Feb/March. It was a really thrilling time for me, and I really thank God for that miracle. I could choose any course my heart desired, and I ended up in WKWSCI. I wouldn't choose any other course for the world.

In March I went to SOT. For 6 months we went through intensive bible training, I finally held the mike and sang in front of a large crowd for the first (few) time, I had tests and assignments to chiong through, and I can't thank God enough for the friends I met there. Also, for the friendships that were fortified in that span of time. Those 6 months were tough, balancing work, studies and my relationship, when SOT took up nearly 7 days a week, and I had to fund it myself. I am proud to say that I managed to. It wasn't easy, but I got through it, and that was amazing.

In August, university began. It wasn't bad, but I always knew that studying was never my forte, and never my preference. I made a bunch of good friends, and here's hoping that in the next 3.5 years, we'll be even closer and better than where we are now (: I graduated from SOT in August as well, and at that point in time, my life was already going downhill. It was a difficult transition for me, handling so many things at one go and managing that internal conflict. I kept clinging onto hope that things might go up, and it did when I left. I felt free, and I felt that I didn't have to account to anyone anymore, because all my life, I've been doing that and it felt good to not have to always live up to expectations.

I started to try things (both legal and illegal). It was amazing to try what I've been restricted my whole life. Although, I know that this is just a phase, and my life won't revolve around it in the future. Nonetheless, it's good to try it at least once in your life. Then you won't ever wonder what it's like.

October was a heavy month for me. I did something so bad and so unforgivable. I wouldn't say I didn't enjoy it, but the consequences were not something I could handle. I was happy, but I knew that I couldn't be happy in the long term. Bryan and I broke up twice, and got back together again. Before the end of the year and the start of a new one, I want to get my direction back. What I want, what I need, what I know is good for me. Bryan's the one I know will give me that happiness, and I am willing to do anything to make it up to him - to make sure he knows that I love him.

Well, in 2010, I've been through hell and high water - nothing can touch me now.

Hehe

2010-12-21T10:46:00.001-08:00

You are the best thing that I could ever deserve.

Thank you

2010-12-19T02:59:00.001-08:00

Thank you for saving me last night. It was a pretty harrowing experience, but I guess that taught me a lesson in clubbing.

What are the chances that he was dragging me somewhere, and on the way out I'd bump into you, right when you were about to hit the dance floor? What were the chances that he wanted to leave at that exact moment, and you were about to enter at that moment? God knows what would have happened to me if I didn't see you from the corner of my eye and latched onto your arm.

At that moment it didn't occur to me what could have happened. But now that I've sobered up, I realised what danger I could have been in. Thank God nothing happened, otherwise, I wouldn't be able to live it up.

I made promises to you, and I'm intending on keeping them. You know how promises are to me, I treat them like the most important things in my life, and I promise that I'll keep what I said to you.

Thank you - and I'm expecting a reply at 21 00 (:

Should I go for Christmas this year?

2010-12-15T11:09:00.001-08:00

Since 2006 I haven't missed a single Christmas celebration in church.

This year, things have changed.

But once again, change is subjective. Everyone changes, whether they be drastic or subtle. Some just change more than others.

My belief that God exists hasn't left me, but my belief that the human race still has hope of redemption is long gone. We're so fucked up, we don't deserve it. But He gives it to us anyway, whether we want to or not. Then we choose whether we wanna accept it or not. But then again, we're not perfect, so we abuse that Grace given. Then, what's the use of all that theology when ppl can't just find it in them to start making things better. So I decided to go and find and test myself, and when I'm done trying, I'll see where that leads me to.

Annual traditions nearing the end of the year - spending Christmas in church with the cellgroup, the last day of the year with them at Sentosa before spending the rest of the countdown with Bryan, the first day of the new year at home, and the second day of the new year celebrating our anniversary.

2010/11 - they're all gone. By my own hands. Not by anyone else's. No one left me, I stepped out and away.

I made a whole plethora of bad decisions this year. Many of which I regret, but there's no use dwelling on them, because every bad decision leads to a lesson learnt. Then you move on.

I tried so many things this year. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other, without stopping to 'balance' things out. They just all went out of hand, all out of my own hands.

(This blog entry is sort of like a 'blaming ritual' for me. Today, I'm feeling particularly introspective.)

So many ppl have tried to help me get through transitions, get through bad decisions - but I either ignored them, or tried to reconcile logic with feeling, but feeling always overwhelms me.

Do you remember a time when the truth ran free

Birth of a song, death of a dream

Closer to the edge

I spent the last few days in hall, bunking over at Charlene's cause of 9am papers. One night, I actually spoke to God again, after such a long long time. I just cried like a baby, and no advice was given. I don't blame Him - it's not like I would have listened.

How the idea of fun corroded life to such an extent, I will never figure out. What I gotta figure out is how to get my life back on track, once I've finished having my fun.

One day, I'll grow sick and tired of everything. And the old Nal will be back - changed, more mature, and more learned to the things around her. One day, I promise.

Christmas Wishlist

2010-12-11T08:23:00.000-08:00

Finally, I have a Christmas wishlist. I've never been one to come up with one, or even think of one, but somehow this year it just feels like I want more stuff :/

1. Canon Digi Cam

I have no clue what model this is, but it looks like this:

Not the girl, the CAMERA :D

P.S This is my friend Maureen, she is awesome, and single (HAHAHHA!). I don't know if she's comfortable with me using her photo on my blog hehe :D LOVE YOU BABE!

And, the pictures come out like this:

This is the compressed one on Facebook. Can you imagine the real ones? Lord, I'm always in amazement at her camera photos (:

I forgot to ask the camera model from her. But, she told me it costs $600-700. Yikes.

2. Headphones

I spotted these at the Apple Store. The specs are good, and they look NICE :D

Okay. This isn't the actual one.

I can't remember the model, or even find it on the internet. But, I do remember they cost exactly $248 (you can get it cheaper at Sim Lim Square) and they have one model which is so shiny, it acts as a mirror. Or a deflector under the sun. Whichever you prefer.

Specs are 18 - 22,000 Hz, which is way above and below the human hearing range. Which means it's kickass. :D

I'm kinda sick of the plain white iPhone earplugs, and they tend to give me a headache. Plus, sometimes the beats of the song get lost under crappy earphones, because the normal human hearing range is 20Hz - 20kHz, so those that are above 20Hz and below 20kHz seriously undermine the ingenuity of certain songs which are meant to be heard in their full glory. With good headphones, I'll be able to catch pitch more awesomely and be a DJ! :D :D :D Gimme those headphones and I'm off to be the next Tiesto (:

3. Eyeshadow Palette

I like brown shades, and I like shimmery eyeshadows, not plain and smack-on boring eyeshadow types.

No need for a whole palette, I've used them my whole life and honestly, there's no need for so many colours. Most of them get thrown out after 2 years (haha yea, I keep my makeup for more than 2 years actually :P) which is quite a big waste of space and money.

Black would be nice too. I already have matt black and white eyeshadows, but I think brown would be waaaay better (: Anna Sui, Red Earth, Maybelline etc, anything - as long as the colour comes off nice :D

4. Primer

Primer is so awesome cause your eyeshadow colour comes off exactly the way you want it. I heard there's some good ones at Makeup Store and stuff, but I haven't had the time (or money) to go down and take a look. Sigh, life of a penniless peasant.

5. WARDROBE MAKEOVERRRRR

My style has changed since I was 13, mummy. Time to throw out my entire collection and buy more clothes which are my style! :D

6. MORE FLATS!

I have too many heels that I don't wear cause I'm lazy. And cause I don't have enough friends who drive, so wearing heels makes it painful to go home by public transport/standing to get a cab. But, I have really big feet, so finding shoes that I like, fit me and cost reasonable is a real pain. Also, time to throw out shoes that I don't wear anymore. I could hold an auction. HAHAHA!

7. Books

Yes I know right, what does Nal need books for - to burn? I actually READ okay, contrary to popular belief. I love classics, because I believe that classics are classics for a reason. Right now I'm looking into collections of books, and I've set my sights on a few.

(a) The Chronicles of Narnia

(b) Harry Potter

(d) Shakespeare

(e) Jodi Picoult books

(f) The Lost Symbol

(g) The Inheritance Cycle (Eragon, Eldest and Brisingr)

8. MORE MONEY

DUH.

9. New phone!

I'm actually looking at the iPhone 4 right now, cause my plan expires right after my exams. But, the iPhone 5 is coming out next year, and I'm thinking whether to withhold my desire for an iPhone now, or tarry till a better one comes out next year? Hmm, need to question my Magic 8 Ball.

10. Keyboard Protector & Screen Protector

Before my MacBook Pro succumbs to anymore damage caused by my rough handling. Mine's a 13" btw, if you're really thinking of getting one for me. HAHA!

And that's the 10 things I want for 2010! I could get some myself, but presents are duly invited (: HAHAHHA BYE CHICAS! :D

Studying

2010-12-10T09:54:00.001-08:00

At this point in time, I'm really grateful to studying.

Last week, I couldn't muster the strength or the willpower to sit down and begin to mug. But when I started this week, I couldn't stop.

Maybe it's cause it takes my mind away from things not to be thought of, it takes my mind away from imagining an alternate realm where I can go into and create my own scenarios, before plunging back into reality and dealing with real issues and real situations and relationships which are not complicated by logic, but complicated by feeling.

Studying has sort of - dare I say, straightened my thoughts out. I may not be completely straight yet, but I sure ain't twisted as I was a week ago.

The notes and books and whatnot are hard to cram and memorise, especially when I've been skipping lectures since week... three? :D It's a lot of common sense, which makes it hard to study because you think you already know what you know, when actually you have no clue how to verbalise and write it down in concrete words.

Yes, uni is different from JC. But thank God it isn't a one-off exam that I have to mug for, most of my results are already handed to me on a silver platter (through graded assignments). I'm not even aiming for second class honors, so this is quite... alright for me. (: The stress is mainly coming from my peers, who are all so GODDAMN HARDCORE MUGGERS ALL AIMING FOR FIRST CLASS HONORS WTF (Haha if any of you are reading this, don't be insulted kaaayyyy ya'll know how I talk one hehex)! I'm damn lepak compared to them, but I sure ain't slack enough to NOT even study, I give myself that. *pats back*

When exams end on the 20th, I'm gonna go straight back into work. I like working. It's nice to interact with ppl every day, rather than sitting in front of a laptop, study notes, get distracted by youtube, facebook, perezhilton, clicknetwork and the random blogs. Plus, I'm not tired enough to sleep, but I'm too tired to cram any more info into my cranium. So it's like - horrid.

A random thing that popped up recently was my school fees. Apparently, they didn't receive my application to pay my school fees via my mum's CPF in Sem 1. So technically, I'm screwed. But after Wednesday's paper I'm heading straight down to Tampines to deal with the matter. Otherwise, I won't be able to view my exam results and apply for next sem's mods - which is fucked up. Plus, I don't have enough cash to pay for my first sem's tuition fees, $3000++ - where the hell am I gonna get all that money? So yea, it's sort of like, a fucked up December for me.

Nonetheless, studying has made me emotionally numb. And kinda depressed. Imagine, hearing "Imagine" and "Hey Jude" for a week planted this epic fairytale in my mind where everything is peachy and happy, and the world is at peace with each other. Watching "Rapunzel" didn't help too. It was a nice show, and it made me happy like a bunny on weed for 4 hours, giggling and singing songs while walking around Marina Square (okay more like an idiot) - it made me feel like a little girl again, when I didn't do shit and didn't know shit (:

But we all know, reality bites. We all grow up, and experience different things that make us stop believing that the world is beautiful. We all wish it were, but it's not. Totally not.

I shall end my blogpost before I start a thesis on "Why the World Sucks, Hardcore".

To NTU Students:
HAPPY MUGGING! EXAMS ARE ENDING SOOOONN, THEN IT'S CHRISTMAS!!! :D
*Jingle bells, batman smells, robin laid an egggggggg*

Happy 11th December everyone! :D :D :D

You Don't Get Another Chance, Life Is No Nintendo Game

2010-12-07T12:38:00.000-08:00

To You:

Thank you for being so forgiving despite all that I've said and done. Right now, there's a mixture of guilt, inferiority and sure uncertainness in my actions and thoughts. I realise that I'm still the same person inside - just that now my insecurities surface when problems arise. Maybe it was a desire to feel loved, a desire to feel wanted for who I am and not how I look. Not that you ever cared about my appearance, but the secrets that we kept to ourselves was too much for me to take. It came to a stage when I felt used, no longer loved because you didn't have the same amount of time to reassure me like you used to. As someone else crept into my life, I instinctively gave myself away because I felt that this someone would treat me the same way you did. Then, I chose to break myself away from you, in hopes that I'd be happier with someone else and be free from all constraints - free to do whatever I wanted.

Now, I realise that that person is one hell of a jackass. He wasn't the main reason why I broke up with you, although he had a major part to play.

You want us to be back together, but I can't let go of the freedom that I've gained and experienced. It's an either-or option, and I'm afraid I'll hurt you again because my desires get in the way of protecting our feelings. Please give me some time, and I promise I'll think about it - when my exams are over.

For now, thank you for accompanying me the past few days while I heal from a hurt. Thank you for your never-changing attitude and love towards me, despite what I've done. I appreciate you so much.

Vulgar Language Ahead, Beware.

2010-12-06T11:12:00.000-08:00

You said that you really liked me a lot, but because of the way I handled the situation back then, it showed a lot about me.

True, it shows how much of a douche I am, and how I can't make my mind up decisively. But unlike you, I have much to think about. Like a 4 year relationship on the rocks, and a seemingly blossoming romance on the side. Dealing with the pros and cons ain't all that simple. True, I was afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, and handling problems that have been brushed under the carpet because I was just too used to being treated like that. You took one year to get over a one and a half year relationship, what makes you think a four year relationship is just as easy to get over? Plus, your wavering concern plunged me in doubt. One moment you seemed to be really concerned, the next you were telling me to settle my own shit and you were just too busy to give a damn about my life. Because SC2 is way more important than human feelings and relations.

But no, you wouldn't hear shit from me. To you, it was all just excuses and emotional vulnerability.

Well, I finally made up my mind. The least you could have done was NOT to lead me on. To enamour me with false promises like "always being there for me" and statements like "Yes, I do like you". Well, you forgot the second half - "Yes I do like you, as much as I like all the other girls out there, cause I like girls easily."

You still do owe me some things - money and an IOU. Money, I'm gonna ask you when I see you again. The IOU - I don't need or want it anymore. You can fucking have it back.

I put you above all my studies, thinking of you every damn night and wondering what would have happened if I made up my mind earlier. You were right - I wouldn't be happy with you, because now I know how you think, and how your character is like.

Thank you for the memories, but fuck you for all your goddamn lies.

Priorities

2010-12-06T02:41:00.000-08:00

I put you above everything, and I thought you felt the same, just that you didn't know how to reciprocate. Then I found out that you did know how to, you just didn't want to.

I put you as my priority, and you took me as an option.

"If I feel like replying you, then I'll reply you", he says. "You can send me a message. If it imposes on me, then I'll not reply, it's as simple as that."

Well, I have two words for you:

FUCK OFF.

I don't see why I bother myself with such a person anymore. I thought you were someone else, but clearly you weren't. I thought you were different, and yes you are, different in a bad way. Looks like what everyone said was true, I was just too fucking smitten with you and the belief that we'd be the same as before, that we'd be as happy as we were in that one week. That you genuinely cared for me, but actually all this time, I was just being played by you.

You didn't have to tell me you like me to give me that false hope, so that I fucking justify every goddamn action you did or didn't do. I was just one of the many other girls who fell for it.

God, I'm so pissed off right now.

:D

2010-12-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

I'm happier now.

I may not have someone who loves me and would be willing to die for me and all, but at least I know that there are no strings attached and anything can happen the way I want it to happen. Not to say that love isn't fantastic and everything, but at the moment, love isn't in my list.

Went out on Wed with a few DN staff, ex-staff and customer (haha I know right). We had a blast, and for the first time I managed to see Wilson get drunk before me heehee. I feel really fortunate to have known all these fantastic people, because honestly, I would be a very different person without them.

Also had a good talk with Wilson, Nikki, Alvin and Omar separately. They all had different advice for me and different methods of handling things, but I know one thing for sure - they all had my interests at heart. It's not often you find a group of friends who know what you're going through, and are willing to allow you to screw up (against their advice) but still always be there for you. One said: "If you really like someone, go for it. From an outsider's point of view, it may not be the best thing you'd like your friend to go through, and most of the time, their predictions will come true. But if you're happy now, just be happy, don't care what people say. What matters is that you know what you want right here right now, and if you're gonna be happy, then go the fuck ahead." And this was spoken in a drunken stupor, can you imagine.

I'm happy now, going out every day to get laptop accessories. I haven't bought anything yet, but I've learnt alot abt laptop specs and geeky stuff that I never ever knew before. Thank you (:

I snatched these quotes from Nikki's Facebook cause they're really kickass.

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future."

"I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently."
"And I can't give you that. Nobody can."

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

I'm learning, but getting there.

Dialogue

2010-11-28T10:11:00.000-08:00

Thank you to friends who've been texting/calling/facebooking me to ask whether I'm alright.

I'm alright, really really. I haven't been single for the last 4 years, so obviously I'm gonna need some time to get used and adjust to being an unattached 19 year old girl.

In all honesty, it feels good to be single. When I told Bryan about my "adventures", I felt so freed up, and I didn't feel a need to keep any secrets from him. There was no commitment, no need to justify my actions or even lie. This was the most honest I've been to him in the last couple months, so yea, it felt good.

Exams are coming soon, and I'm feeling quite calm about it (which is NOT a good sign). I keep feeling like I'll smoke through this like I did A Levels, but we all know that's not possible because my A's were freak results and only a miracle could have produced those. Kinda screwed up my 201 already, but well, I'm not aiming for 1st class honors or even 2nd class honors - I just wanna graduate and leave NTU and get a job and live a life. The smarter you are, the more ppl will depend on you for solutions and their own paycheck - and we all know what happens when we help other ppl, you get screwed over.

Brother's wedding is over, it was fun getting him to drink those sick concoctions of orange juice/coke/tea, pepper, thick chili sauce, vinegar, soy sauce and mango pudding. Felt kinda bad in case the concoctions would dampen the couple's night activity, but it was fun while it lasted. According to the happy couple, it didn't taste that bad. FAIL.

It's so weird how all of them look like tomyum with tofu when it's actually mango pudding in weird shit.

An uber thanks to Jeremy Ko for sending me to Holland Ave en route to his friend's house so I could catch a cab more easily to the Marriott Hotel. I missed the morning festivities because of 201 midterms (can you believe it! my own brother's wedding and leave not granted wtfbbq). I got scammed of $75 because the hair and makeup stylist did an ugh job of my hair. Nonetheless, the food was awesome and I ate like a pig. EAT EAT EAT.

Bryan came back that very same night the wedding ended. We hung out with each other the next day and caught Megamind.

We already wanted to watch it before Bryan left for Taiwan. I was laughing throughout the entire movie, seriously. It's not memorable, but it sure was a good $7.50 spent.

At night we walked home, and I guess that's where the breakup happened. We talked and resolved, so it was all good. Yup.

Gawd I really hate studying, makes me feel tired, gives me a headache and there're just so many words. Blaaaah. Kinda like running. Okay I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just eggggggggcited for the week!

Wed - End sch at 4, work till 11, then party!

Thurs - End sch at 1, then a paid survey from 2 to 4pm.

Fri - End sch at 1, work till 11, and PARTY SOMEMORE wootwoot!

Sat - Penny Black with my mum and aunty and grandma. WARM CHOCOLATE PUDDING love! Then I'm heading down to Ion/Wheelock to check out some Apple stuff (:

Hopefully I'll get at least half of the studying done by this week. Otherwise...

I can hug my laptop with me to my deathbed.

And for tradition's sake, cause I've been embedding emo-as-hell songs on my blog, why not just one more! :D

Today has been by far one of my happier days (:

It was only just a dream

2010-11-26T04:51:00.000-08:00

The old adage goes:

"It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

I hate that phrase.

When you never love, you never fill that emptiness. You'll never experience what it's like to be filled with an emotion that turns you topsy-turvy, carries you to new heights of ecstasy, brings you to a mountain where clouds fill the bluest sky you can ever imagine. And you'll never pine for that experience again.

When you love and lose, the resulting emptiness is accompanied by nothing but pain. You'll never reach that mountain again. And knowing you'll never reach that mountain makes you lose faith, hope and love - for yourself, for others.

I would rather never have loved at all.

I did so many wrong things. So many that you don't recognize me anymore - I don't recognize myself anymore.

While I was with you, I was thinking of someone else. My heart was overtaken by someone who didn't love me as much as you did. Maybe it's complacency, maybe it's just a breath of fresh air, only time will tell. When you said "I love you", I didn't respond. I didn't know how to - because I don't know whether I'd be telling a lie, and the last thing I wanted to do before you left was lie to you.

You don't know how sorry I am for being such a bitch, for being a player, a liar and a cheater. It was never your fault, I just lost myself, and I lost you along the way.

I say with all my heart that I loved you. You never gave me a reason not to. You understood what it meant when you love someone, you have to let them go. You cut me free, and I appreciate that. I was never a believer of fate - but if fate wills us, we'll be together again. This sounds all juvenile and fantasy, but I can't be sure of what happens next. All I know now is that no one will ever love me that way you did, and even if they did, they'd have big shoes to fill.

Reading your fb wall posts, I thank God you have such awesome friends. They will be there for you the same way I was there for you - to make you laugh, to cheer you up when you feel sad. You're an awesome man, you deserve only the best, and the best isn't me.

I regret having my heart and mind overtaken. But this only shows the strength of my character, which isn't very strong at all. You'll move on, I promise, to someone who will never hurt you the way I did, to someone who will love you more than I did. I promise.

This is it

2010-11-25T02:40:00.001-08:00

So, this is it.

We had a good (almost) 4 years together, and now we have nothing but memories to live by. I thank you for everything you've given me and everything you've taught me. We didn't break up because of an argument, or because we can't stand each other anymore - we separated because we both knew it was the right thing to do.

Thank you for spending this one last day as a boyfriend with me. I really treasure whatever you've done and given. Your stuff - well, let's just say I can't bear to throw them away or return them back to you yet. They've been with me for so long, it's as if they're already mine. It's as if you're still mine, and I'm still yours. But we both know that's no longer the case. It's a matter of getting used to, and sometimes, when you're so used to something, you're numb about your feelings towards it, that you don't even know how you actually feel towards it anymore.

I still love whatever we had, I still hold on to our beautiful memories. But for now, this is goodbye. We'll still see each other, somehow, for lunch, dinner or just a movie, because you'll always be a part of me that will never go away, you shaped me.

You're the best boyfriend, and any girl will be lucky to have you. It was just your bad luck to have met me, someone who can't treasure what she has.

Bye.

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

2010-11-21T11:20:00.000-08:00

Hold on, don't be scared.

I need you to show me what this song says, cause I can't seem to understand what it's telling me.

Today

2010-11-16T08:34:00.001-08:00

Today, I cried while thinking of you.

I miss you so much, so much that I'm hurting, knowing that you're completely out of my reach - knowing that you probably don't ever want to see me every again. So much that you're even willing to quit your job if rumors get spread around too much.

I'm so scared now. One moment I feel like I'm in a stable relationship, the next moment, a question pops up in my head and you refuse to answer it. You escape and you don't answer, knowing that you're 1909 miles away from me and you can take your time to think up of one. It scares me to think that you're hiding as many things from me as I do from you.

I can't handle the pressure. I can't handle the jealousy or the extra stress that's being put onto me.

I'm being so honest here because I don't know where else to turn to.

When I tell others about what's happening, I put up a strong front. Like everything's okay and I'm thinking rationally like a mature adult. But behind that strong persona, I'm still a little girl. I want to be assured, to be safe in someone's arms.

I want to decide but it's really hard, because I don't have all the pieces I need for the puzzle. I'm so scared because I don't have the ability to see the big picture, regardless how far I step away from the situation.

I don't know who to lose now.

You say good morning, and good evening
The day is done, and you've come to find
The words are fleeting, I hear your quiet breathing
Is something wrong?

You come on two knees, with more than two needs
Finding that it's all too easy
To be helped and found
You slept and he said

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home

Daylight's coming, the sun is blazing
New beginnings seep into you
But in the end it's distant shadows
That finally overwhelm your senses
And this time around
Is it love that you crown?
And this time around
You'll be more than who you are

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home

Could you find yourself a way back home?

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home

So beautiful.

Brokenhearted

2010-11-10T11:03:00.001-08:00

I finally spoke to you for the first time today.

Although, it was nothing personal. Work is work.

I may be thinking too much, as if I am the centre of your universe and nothing else - but pls stop putting misleading statuses on Facebook. It makes me wonder whether we still have a chance, which I'm not even sure I want or not.

I'm still so confused about everything.

It's complicated when feelings are involved. That's because feelings screw up our logic, and we succumb to what we feel, even when we don't really do. And if we do, it defies all logic. So, what makes sense - logic or feelings? Which screws us up all the more?

I wish something would just hit me, so I can stop thinking about all this.

Yea, it's plain to see

That baby you're beautiful

And there's nothing wrong with you

It's me, I'm a freak

But thanks for lovin' me

Cause you're doing it perfectly.

Awkward

2010-11-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

I don't know how I can handle being with you, in the same place, at the same time. Sure, work is work, but then again, I tend to allow my emotions to get a hold of me. Like today - man, it was awkward (at least for me). I know you totally didn't feel shit, and that's the way it's supposed to be, especially since we're in the same environment, standing right next to each other, or right in front of each other. My gawd. I honestly didn't even dare to walk in and make my milk tea.

Since Halloween there's been nothing from you. Not even a text, an email or a call. I feel so left behind. But whenever I feel like calling you, I think of what the old Nal would do - just wait.

So I'm left waiting.

And I'm left missing.

I wonder if you know.

Seeing your fb status, I really wonder if it's about me. I wish they were, but the things I've heard from others make me think otherwise. I'm really tired of waiting for "the right time", because how the hell do we know when "the right time" is?

We never do.

If it isn't about me, then go ahead and move on. I was never actually in the picture anyway. I could never be, because the reason is clear-cut - I don't love myself and I don't care about my own happiness. Don't keep me waiting for something that doesn't actually concern me and my life. Whatever you're waiting for, it may come soon, by the end of the month. Now, I want to focus on making myself happy, whatever it takes.

I don't even know how to break this to you.

Insomnia

2010-11-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep at all, haven't slept well the past few weeks thinking of stuff, resulting in awesomely large eye bags and dark eye circles.

I even look older now (according to Glenn) cause I seem so jaded.

I can't sleep thinking of whatever happened, and wishing you were lying right beside me watching at me sleep, wishing you to be here so that I can talk to you if I can't fall asleep and vice versa, to hear you snore (even if it keeps me awake).

When I saw that msg, my heart literally stopped and I immediately felt like puking.

It hurt me like fuck. Seriously. This screwed up feeling where your heart aches and you feel like you've been stabbed continuously for ten billion times and the open wound is just left to mould and rot.

Gawd, I think of you every single day. Whenever I get a phone call or a text I pray and hope that it's you, even if it's to tell me to get lost and fuck off. But it never is.

I've given up on praying, hoping, and having faith, because they all seem so useless now. "Just like the lady with the magic ball, 50-50".

For the first time, I'm trying my hardest to tell you something, and you're running away. You didn't even turn your back, you just fucking ran. If I chase, you're just gonna catch the plane and fly off to somewhere where I'll never get to see you again, and I don't want that.

I've gotta settle my issues first before implicating you. I wanna tell you my 'grand master plan' but you're just too pissed off to give a shit. Guess you're jaded from counseling and advising me so profusely when I wanted to hear but didn't bother to listen. It's alright, and I understand.

So, I'm letting you go - because I don't want to let you go.

Truth Be Told

2010-11-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

Dinner with Glenn was surprisingly revelational (Haha Glenn I bet you're reading this and going :D :D :D).

Initially, I thought what I did would hurt only one person.

Then, I thought that instead of hurting that person, I hurt the other two instead.

Now I realise that all 3 are fucked.

Glenn's right. I have to make a choice. Now, I'm just making people (including myself) miserable with my double-mindedness and inability to make choices because I'm scared.

I'm scared I make the wrong choice, I'm scared of leaving things behind and moving forward, I'm scared of change.

I'm not happy, but in that process of finding happiness - I screw other people up as well. Which makes me not only a retard and an idiot, but a mofo too.

Basically, I just epitomised stupidity and numbness.

I've gotta think things through clearly, and Glenn, thanks for telling me things that really helped.

Sometimes the pros and cons can be weighed out, but to what extent of judgment can you weigh them out? And how do you know which pro outweighs which con? What if there are 10 cons and 1 pro? Does that necessarily mean you should follow through?

Help me. I don't want to lose you.

Strip it all away
I'll be alright
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me

LOL

2010-10-31T07:44:00.000-07:00

The funniest MV I watched so far this week is Nelly's "Hot in Herre" (I was just youtubing MVs for my 'childhood' hits :D).

Towards the end of the video, the roof catches fire (duh right, cause it's 'hot in herre' -.-), the DJ stops playing and he's like "HEY HOLD UP, THE ROOF.. THE ROOF.. THE ROOF IS ON FIRE."

The crowd looks and him, and goes:

"THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! WE DON'T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHER----ER BURN! BURN MOTHER----ER, BURN!"

I literally LOLed.

Just thought you'd like to know.

You're In Ruins

2010-10-26T14:03:00.001-07:00

Like you said, I have the answers right in front of me, on a computer screen.

I just have to click "yes" or "no".

But I keep moving my mouse cursor around in circles. I can't make up my mind, even though I know the consequences, even though I know what's going wrong.

I just can't decide.

I just can't say no.

I've been using the excuse "it's in my character" for too fucking long. Even if it really is in my character, my character can change, and it has. Maybe, just maybe, the old Nal is just waiting to burst out like a fairy princess, to sprinkle magical dust over everything - and everything will be back to normal. But we all know - fairy princesses don't exist, monsters do.

You make sense, you really do.

Let me tell you something, I'll do anything for the one I love. I'll quit anything and everything, just to make that person happy. A person cannot motivate me to stop, the love a person has for me motivates me to at least try.

I wanna be the perfect person for you. But I've already made mistakes that I can't rectify. When I say I want to try everything otherwise I'll regret it later in life - you come around and hit me hard on the head with a hammer to wake me up. It's not like I didn't know earlier, I just forgot that sometimes, when ONE mistake is made, your life is gone.

Trying to cross a traffic light when it's red - you may regret if you don't ever do it in your life. But that small trial could result in your death.

Trying smoking - you may regret if you never tried. But that one time could get you hooked, and before you know it, lung cancer. Then, it's time to regret when you realize what else you could have done with your money, time and your life.

I understand, I do. Now I just gotta decide.

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

School Scmool

2010-10-21T12:08:00.001-07:00

Recess week is ending, and I haven't gotten down to my assignments yet. COM203 and HL101 - why must you torture me, why.

There's also a COM203 quiz next Friday (which I'm so dead for cause I skipped 1001 lectures on that module - I know, not the smartest thing to do).

I've been working every single day this week, and I'm really happy with where I am now. More emotionally controlled, less retarded in my thinking, and less emo. I enjoy cashiering alot (cause I don't need to take as much shit from customers), but at the end of every night there's just so much money and credit card bills to settle and account for. It's taxing.

Nonetheless, when it's time to leave DN, I think it'll be really hard for me to. I really love it there, but as time goes, I'll have to move on as well. If I'm able to get 3 to 4 tuition kids by next sem, I'll leave DN, most likely for good.

Right now I'd rather not think about relationships. I don't want to give people trouble, and the only person I want to hurt and give trouble to is myself. I care for people too much, I know, but this is just part of who I am.

Like I said, life already sucks, why fuck it up for others as well?

Heartless

2010-10-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's cause I've been away from you for too long, and I've numbed the feeling of missing you. I've locked myself up cause I don't want to feel anything, and I've turned into this emotionless creature with a default happy face (hence the nickname "Smiley"). I do what I do so I can occupy myself while you're away, and when I keep doing what I keep doing, it becomes a lifestyle, a habit, something that I can't get rid of.

Now that it's all walled up, when it's time for me to take it out, I just can't.

I've grown used and accustomed to leading a psuedo-single life, such that when I have to make time for you, I can't handle it.

It's not like we haven't been through this before. But this is much worse. Much much worse. It doesn't help that I'm swarmed with shit the whole day and with no one to express it to or text, such that I bottle everything up and when it's time for me to talk, my character tells me to forget about it cause what's passed is past.

I'm fed-up and tired.

To quote a friend:

"It's just damn tiring to wear on a smile to everyone sometimes."

It's hard to pretend that everything's okay.

If it's love,

2010-10-07T03:40:00.000-07:00

We are young
We are strong

We're not looking for where we belong

We're not cool

We are free

And we're running with blood on our knees

This past week has been absolutely torturous for me. Being deceived and having to pay the consequences for a bad judgment of character wasn't worth it.

I've learnt my lesson, and right now I'm trying to do damage control. Picking up the pieces and moving on. Like an overused analogy: After a glass shatters, even if you piece the pieces back together, it'll never be the same piece of glass again.

Because of what happened, I'm behind on my schoolwork. I don't have the effort and the energy to bring myself to sit down and concentrate, because countless images just come flooding back. Nonetheless, we all gotta move on, and the solution is not to mope about how stupid I was, and how I let it come to such a stage. I have assignments and midterms coming next week, and after that will be recess week. I'll work that entire week to clear my head, to make sure that my "awakening" is solidified.

After talking to a whole shitload of people and drawing out my own conclusions based on answers to questions I personally asked, I can't redeem what I did, and I can't make up excuses for whatever happened. No matter how jaded I am, no matter how tired I am of being asked what happened, I just hope that noone I love will ever go through this. This is gonna be a mark on me, and this is gonna be testament to good life screwed up by one's own hands.

I have honest feelings. I love wholeheartedly. In a span of a week, I witnessed both the ugly and deceptive side of love/lust, and the true manifestation of agape. Love I don't deserve. Love that I want to hold on to for the rest of my life. Love that I once thought could never exist in people. It gives me hope that I was scared of, and still am. But it shows me wonders.

Rock Bottom

2010-10-03T23:47:00.001-07:00

A few years back, I thought hitting rock bottom was breaking up with Bryan.

A few months ago, I thought hitting rock bottom was picking up vices and leading a double life.

Last night, I found out rock bottom was way lower.

Maturity

2010-09-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

As you grow older, your eyes are opened to so much more, life deals different things to you.

You have to learn, you have to grasp and you have to execute.

Even if you can't, you gotta take it with a great attitude. That comes with maturity and a sense of knowing that the world doesn't revolve around you. That being said, your own world doesn't revolve solely around you either.

Working and living for yourself does make sense, but not all the time. People around you need help too, and when they cry out, you gotta decide to step out of your bubble and tread into their world. It isn't easy, but it's just part of life. You can decide not to, but then, you're just gonna watch as they fuck up their own lives.

But, how much can you live for yourself and others? Either extreme, and you've got nothing but a dead end.

Can anyone see me down here

2010-09-23T01:30:00.000-07:00

It's been more than a week since I last posted. This week hasn't been good for me.

I missed the one and only call from Bryan in Brunei (he's having a tough time there, and I really feel damn useless for doing nothing here in Sg), my laptop started whirring on me and spoilt (apparently there was a HD failure), so all my lecture notes and slides and everything are just gone. It's not so bad for most of my mods, cause my lecturers upload everything online. But -Cherian George doesn't.

I fell down today in Parkway, smashed my Koi and drowned my iPhone in it. My phone was in a plastic bag and the Koi started dripping its way into the plastic bag. By the time I realized, my entire phone was submerged in bubble tea, so I ran to Juzz1 and a repairman was there. He took my phone away and now I'm phoneless for the next two days, not to mention I have to pay at least $50 for repair and diagnostics, and up to $200 for replacement of parts.

I'm superbly broke now. And it's barely near payday.

I'm so so so worried about so many things. Honestly, everything just doesn't seem to be going well now. There are tons of assignments to be handed in, crap to be researched on, readings to catch up on, and dear god, not to mention my phone is down. I need to buy my attire for F1, hand in my rebate form and settle hall stuff.

I really need a mental break, which I don't know why, hasn't came to me since.. ever. A Levels, work, SOT, uni. On and on and on.

Haha yes

2010-09-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

I smile less now (:

No use smiling when there's little reason for you to.

With the backlog of tutorials, the catching up of lectures (which I missed cause of bidding weeks - omg biz law I'm damn scared), worries about money, work schedules to work out amidst studying, stupid notes which are so hard to print when you don't have a printer at home, a constant biopsychosociospiritual tug-of-war between religion and trying to live a life outside which can be contradictory, and above all, not having your bf to listen to your problems, which is chicken soup for my soul.

Sometimes I wish my life had headed for a different direction. Getting rid of any one component (except bf) would make it alot less complicated.

I've lost hope.

cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

2010-09-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

I visited my grandma in the hospital today. She's fine, just had a minor op to remove some gallstones from her body.

Next to her bed, an elderly woman was screaming. They were helping her with medication (couldn't see cause the curtains were drawn), and she had her daughter by her side. She was screaming (in chinese) that she wanted to go home, and whenever the nurses did something, she kept brawling for help. She yelled and struggled - and in that experience something hit me hard in my heartstrings.

I sat there, next to my grandma. This was the first time I've been to the hospital for something good (a successful operation), although my grandma was in mild pain. The past few times I've been there, my relatives were going to pass away, and my family was there to accompany them for their last few moments on earth.

I remembered both my great granddads. My god-great-granddad. I never witnessed my grandfathers passing away - On the maternal side, I was not born yet and on the paternal side, I was too young to remember. The last time I went to the hospital, I was supposed to undergo intensive blood donation to save a friend's dad's life. I couldn't, because my vein was too thin and it was risky for me to donate such a huge amount of blood. He subsequently passed away.

The elderly woman on the next bed made me wish that I would never ever set foot in the hospital again. She made my heart bleed.

Photo credit: Ivan Tan

I'll be back there in a couple of weeks.

The Hope

2010-09-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, all we need is that one hope - that one person, to help us cling on, to help us climb on.

I Love Being A Vampire

2010-09-04T06:14:00.000-07:00

Thursday Night:

Homecoming - Free beer, free ice cream. Insane performances by CS ppl (Flippin' talented bunch of students!). Talk cock session with Cosmo with the high-and-flying Alexes. :D

ACE of Clubs - I have never ever enjoyed myself so much with DN people. *drinks* Thank you guys for listening to my problems and cheering me up throughout the night. I really don't know what I'd do without you guys (: If I could, I wouldn't shoot a single one of you! (Except Shaun cause you're such a whiny bitch HAHA! :D)

Friday Night:

Dear Maureen, you are awesome! Your friends are awesome (most of them anyway, haha!). Screw depression, screw emoing, screw crying - live the night! :D Thanks Ka, Ernest, Taylor and Maurice for taking care of us and entertaining us throughout the night (: (As well as Dennis and Patrick - that's all I could remember).

It's been an insane, high-flying two nights.

Dear Nal,

2010-09-03T03:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry your life sucks.

I'm sorry that you had to land up in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

I'm sorry that you have to go through all these being flung at you, all at once.

I'm sorry that when you cry, I can't do anything.

I'm sorry that you made wrong choices.

I'm sorry people made wrong choices for you.

I'm sorry you're me.

2010-09-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

My heart just skipped a beat, over and over again.

For the right, and for the wrong reasons.

Painted Walls

2010-09-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

I trap myself in these painted walls

Unbothered by that noise, oh that noise

Crows from the rooftop

Where love once lived

Meaningless talk and scared silence

Avoiding hurt that now resides

Amongst these painted walls

Whitewashed to all its glory

Curtains covering the dents that remain

Pain and brokenness

Now eat away

At these painted walls

Livin' On the Radio

2010-09-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

I’ve got no friends
I’m my own queen
But I’m living on, living on the the radio
That’s my dream

Stone river eyes
And a lonely heart
If I’m living on the radio
They won’t tear me apart

10 steps and roses on the tree
10 steps and lonely nights
But you’ve still got me
On the road
Road paved in gold

Baby you must believe
Baby you must be free
Keep living on, living on the radio
That’s my dream

Baby you’ve gotta friend
And so many little monsters, yeah
Keep living on, living on the radio
That’s your dream

And when there’s nowhere to go
And your friends are gone
And you only got your daddy to call
It will be all right, honey
Cause your songs are on the radio

Cause the showbiz, all the caviar
The champagne and the sold out shows
But it will be all right honey
Cause your songs are on the radio

If Only

2010-09-01T06:21:00.001-07:00

If only I didn't see that email, I wouldn't have had my suspicions confirmed.

I wouldn't have had my heart broken for the umpteenth by you, and I wouldn't feel like my past forgiveness have been wasted.

I've always been one to put up strong fronts and reason my way out of tears, but this time, I think I'm done acting, I'm done arguing with myself.

This has nothing to do with Bryan Yeo (as many of you would like to believe). I think there are many more issues to me than just my boyfriend (my life doesn't solely revolve around him).

I've written a song, and one day, when I get over this, I'll put it up online. Right now, it's off limits.

To you, who probably will never see this:

I've known for years, and finding out doesn't shock me. What saddens me is that despite it being wrong, your mind has been so painfully warped to think that what you're doing is right, forgivable and continuable. It's hurting not only me, but all of us. I thought that after so many years, we can let this go because you've changed. But you haven't. I'll still forgive you, because of who you are. But that doesn't change my disappointment in you, the pain that I feel because of your actions won't change either. Love covers a multitude of sins, forgiveness, mercy and grace stem out from that love.

Love, your one and only,

Huay.

one-liner

2010-08-31T23:36:00.000-07:00

if you found out, would you still love me for who i am?

Square Root Three

I fear that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

A three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

Such a geeky, cute poem. (:

Since School Started

2010-08-31T07:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it's only Tuesday, but let me just give a brief summary on how school has been.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

There're no core module lectures, no core module tutorials - NOTHING! So bored every day in school. The worse thing is, I have to be in school at awkward timings this entire week. Monday I was in school from 2 to 7pm so I could camp for modules, which I got. But now I want to change, all cause of my fickle-mindedness, which sucks. BOO.

It's gonna be uni jargon from here on, so just skip it to avoid getting mindscrewed. Haha!

Here's what I want:

COM205 to HL101.

COM204 T6 to T-anything with tutorial in the afternoon. (Changed with Amin! Thursday afternoon lect here I come! :D)

Get one more module cause I only have 19 AUs! (Hopefully MB107, or GV17, or something either really easy/interesting, or part of my GERPEs).

So annoying right, these uni stuff.

Tuesday I was in school at 3.30 to 6pm to practice for Homecoming with Weixiang and Corn. We're just gonna perform by faith. Heh :D

Wednesday I have to attend HL808 lecture. It starts at 2.30 and ends at 5.30pm! That's one really long lecture. Then I'm meeting NTU-CHC ppl for a PM and fellowship at 6pm to who knows when. So yea, expecting a long day tmr.

Thursday is Homecoming. Yayz.

Finally, Friday! I think Cosmo peeps are gonna go sing Teoheng, which is really near my house. No need to travel (:

I'm a college girl now! :D/:(

Forgiveness

2010-08-29T08:19:00.000-07:00

On one of the most important days of my life - you weren't there.

This moment, when gone, will never replay. It'll never come back. It will never happen again. Even if you came on Sunday, it'll still be different.

When everyone was having a happy celebration on Sat night, I was on the rooftop of Tampines One crying my heart out. Because of negligence - sheer, raw negligence.

When I received the text before service started, I walled up my heart and my emotions again because I didn't want to look sad during graduation. I didn't want to feel hurt, or neglected, or disappointed. So I just didn't.

It's quite easy, actually, to clam up your heart.

After service, when everyone was celebrating, my emotions started getting the hold of me. I didn't feel like celebrating, I didn't feel like it was worth it. My 6 months went down the drain, just because of your absence. Like I texted you, I wanted to bask in the after atmosphere, but I just couldn't.

And right now, although I said I've forgiven you, I'm still hurt. If I didn't forgive you, we'd be caught in a limbo of no solution. Because there isn't any reason, no excuse, for what you did, or didn't do.

On a supposed happy day, I still had to settle issues. And I thought six months of torture was enough.

Graduation

2010-08-29T02:49:00.000-07:00

So that's it. I've officially graduated from the School of Theology, class of 2010.

So much of me has changed in 6 months, and I've really had my eyes opened to a much bigger picture and a much bigger world.

Reflection On My SOT Journey

(It's the same one on Facebook, so skip it if you've already seen it :D)

As SOT draws to an end, I feel inclined to reflect upon my personal journey throughout the past six months - the ppl I've met who have become a strong motivating factor in my life, the life lessons I have learnt in school and the experience I have with God in classes, have all defined who I am. The Nalina you see today isn't the same as the one who've met six months ago.

The past six months haven't been easy for me, and I knew the 'trouble' I was gonna get into from the very start. But going through it and experiencing the magnitude of SOT, the pain, the daily crucifixion, the emotional rollercoasters, the misunderstandings - was a totally different story.

Right from the beginning, there wasn't any sponsorship or funding for me. Working late nights in between classes was physically exhausting. Financially, I was tight to the neck and worried about how I was gonna live with about $180 a month for everything. Relationally, I had problems with my family and with my bf. I broke down countless times, and I felt that I couldn't make it to graduation. Truth be told, from June to early Aug, I experienced the worst bio-psycho-socio-spiritual meltdown in my life. Everything just walled up, and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, not even God. I kept making wrong decisions, and I was just a door away from leaving SOT.

But in times of crisis, those who came through for me, came through for me. Their prayers and intercession moved God's heart to move in my life, and I started making better decisions again. God sent ppl to encourage me, to pray with and for me, or even just to lend a shoulder to cry on.

Now, as graduation draws near, I want to thank those who've gone through such a tumultuous six months of endless counselling, saliva wasting, and also joy spreading for me.

First up, Team 18.

Thank you for being so awesome. To see you guys every day in school is a blessing. And although I take it for granted sometimes, you guys were always there to update me, to contaminate me with lessons and experiences I missed. Without you, SOT would just be dull. Thank you for cheering me on when I was BVing for the first time, thank you for celebrating my 19th birthday, thank you for improving my Chinese by leaps and bounds. I love you guys (:

Next, SOT BV.

You guys may not know this, but the biggest character change God has blessed me with came through you all. I never dared to hold a mic to sing (except in karaoke), and I kept my 'talents' hidden underground, because I was afraid of what others would say. My confidence and boldness grew from my experiences with you. Whenever I see all of you, who even with little experience, sing and give your all during p&w, it motivates me to do the same. I used to sing softly during cg, now I'm always like screaming the song haha! God gave me this newfound confidence through you guys, and I'm so thankful for that. Thank you for all the joy fun and laughter, the horrible squashed car sessions, the initially awkward and nerve-wrecking lessons with Sherlyn, and all the little secrets of holding a mic to sing. (Look at lyrics, sing parts, jump jump, smile even when you're panicking, listen to your voice from monitor, look at lyrics which suddenly change to Chinese, BREATHE, swallow saliva cause throat very dry.. and repeat) It's amazing how one p&w session can be extreme exercise :D

Lastly, the friends whom I've made in SOT. Thank you for your smiles, no matter how small or large, silent or expressive they are, they matter alot to me. They are what keep me going, keep me loving, keep me laughing.

It has been life-changing.

Good morning SOT! (:

And goodbye, SOT.

It's so surreal. I'm a Bible School graduate. 0.0

internet killed the video star

2010-08-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

There're just so many things to do, so little time.

I wonder which are the things that are worthwhile, and which are those meant to be thrown away and abandoned. Prioritising, they call it.

Nonetheless, here's the list of things to be done in the near days/weeks:

1. Rehearsals for SOT grad performance

2. Assignments (OMG headache)

3. Online matriculation (I can only do so on Tues to Thurs which are super busy days)

4. Hand in my tuition grant form at the NTU office (How could I have forgotten right?!)

5. Ordering my MACBOOK PRO online, with my matric card for a student price (Booyah!)

6. Theology and Romans exam on Tues. Dear God, help.

7. Jamming with Weixiang and Cornelius for Homecoming

8. Apply for my student concession

Dizzy yet? Cause I am.

Just for the fun of it, here's a really pretty peekture of me. Insane, that glow.

Now I'm kinda missing clubbing. Haven't been to one in like, a month or so (since Aga's birthday which was eons ago)? I really feel like going, but I can't be distracted, not now.

Plus, this gives my body more time to detox before I embark on uni :D

HOMECOMING = FREE BEER + ICE CREAM!

Egggg-citingxszxs!

2010-08-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

Lotsa things are gonna happen in the next few weeks.

First up, I'll be performing for SOT Graduation! Singing/dancing - I dunno, we'll just see how everything goes (: We're finally graduating, after 6 long agonizing months. I've yet to hand in my assignments and do my sermons, but I'll definitely get them done before I enter uni, don't want any backlog and commit suicide when the stress hits.

Second up, I'll be performing for WKW's Homecoming! Gonna discuss the deets with Weixiang tmr when we meet :D Deffo singing, but what song?

Third up, COSMO OUTING TMR! TEEHEE YELLOW SHIRTS UNITE!

Fourth, baby's booking in tmr. Block leave's over ):

Fifthly, there's gonna be WKW D&D too. Seriously, so many events, so little dresses.

Sixthly (I've run out of counting numbers), baby's going to Brunei in about a month's time. It kinda sucks, but well, life's like that with a chiongsua boyfriend :/

Last but not least, here are a few pics from my Tioman trip with Bryan :D FB pics are privatized. (cause I don't want ppl to throw up their lunch hee :D)

Coach there

Mersing Ferry Terminal

Boat ride there

RAMLY RAMLY!

Freakin' tourists. Tsk.

Next time, I'm bringing the DN crew there. :D

Nightly view (:

Sitting at the jetty. Really burnt ):

Bryan was fascinated. I was grossed out. He took this picture.

Bye Tioman Island! ):

Ferry back home

And here comes the best part:
Apparently the company screwed up or something, cause Bryan and I were supposed to take a 44-seater back home to Singapore.

Guess what came?
A 25-seater bus.

And guess what?

IT WAS EMPTY! BOOYAH! :D

We had the best coach ride home ever. No need to wait for other ppl to check through customs, and the whole coach belonged to us - slippers in between seats, chairs reclined all the way. Yayz.

As I blogged earlier, I really wanna go back to Tioman Island. Boring as it may look and sound, it really brought lots of rest to my soul and body. Can't argue with that (: Being there with the best person in the world helped loads too :D

I'M YOURS (:

Happy 45th Birthday!

2010-08-09T04:21:00.000-07:00

Land of the Free, Country of the Fine :D

No matter how stuffy your trains are, how artificial your beaches are, and how kiasu your people are (me included), I still like living here, really (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

BACK! :D

2010-08-07T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Tioman, can't upload any pictures cause I can't find the cable. Boyfriend left me at home to rot alone while he went clubbing with "the guys", so I'm bored to death while the rest of my family are at Genting (and other miscellaneous locations).

Tioman was absolutely refreshing. Beautiful, relaxing, wonderful - just the break I needed. There weren't exactly the best facilities, and I didn't get to go snorkeling (or even get a massage), but just soaking in the lifestyle and the whole atmosphere did wonders for my soul. Awesome Ramly burgers and stingrays (which epicly pwn 85). Yumxszxs :D

After the trip from Tioman, I'm charred, burnt and crispy. Good thing is, my eyebags are finally gone! (YIPPEE) (: The whole trip felt so surreal like a scene out of Inception. When we entered Singapore, we were greeted by shitty customs and the horrible stale air of public transport. Babe even got a headache the moment he stepped onto the MRT. At home, I was hit by the barrage of messages flooding my phone, which I am still too lazy and zonked out to reply. I really don't like it here. ):

I miss Tioman.

Choice

2010-08-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

I'm so scared now.

I'm living a life of fear, just waiting to be found out. I'm scared all the effort I've put in have gone to waste, that people start to believe what I did wasn't because of others, but for myself.

It never started out that way. And I never planned for it to end that way either. I never wanted it all to be about me and my problems.

I wanted to help others, to shine a light and guide them out of their darkness. But what I did was plunge my whole self into it.

Do I regret? Right now, yes. But in the near future, maybe not.

I honestly wish I could speak to you now, because I feel that what we're going through is the same confusion. I want to know how you feel, think and what you're doing to help yourself. Nothing, something, or exactly what I'm doing - hiding?

I need a mental break.

but if i wrap my words around you

2010-07-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

Songs are poems, they are prose, they are images, they are dance, they are feelings, they are experiences, they are what heal and break the human body, soul and spirit.

When you translate you into a song, that's when life starts to make sense.

Be it pop, rock, trance, techno, rap, metal, indie, each song finds a way into a person's mind and stays there, either melody or words, or both. It becomes an idea. And if you've watched Inception, an idea is the most infectious disease of them all. It affects your soul, and brings out the innermost feelings you've hidden for the longest time.

Songs are dangerous. They can lead you into temptation and down into a valley, suffocating your soul. At the same time, songs can heal. Christian songs and hymns, they heal your soul and spirit, give you a hope and faith for the future.

Songs are landmarks. There is a specific song for a specific time. When I was in primary school, Ayumi Hamasaki and Speed (J-pop). When I was 14, Simple Plan's Welcome to My Life. When I was 16, Way Back Into Love. When I was 17, Hillsong's Hosanna. These songs serenaded me growing up.

To me, songs are beautiful.

if i could, then i would

2010-07-29T11:13:00.001-07:00

Talking to those who just came back from missions about their "village experience" made me think about Chiang Rai, made me ponder on my life, and made me wish i could just fly back there now.

These were all taken with a compact camera back when I was 15, imagine these with a DSLR, they'd be ohmygawd amazing.

That's me in a pink suit.

I want to walk down the dusty untamed roads of the mountains again, and feel the cool of the pure air, untainted. If I could, I may have chosen to be a villager and work in padi fields, awaiting for nothing but the seasons.

It's scary to think how much things have changed since then. In a span of 4 years, I almost no longer keep in contact with a single person I went to Chiang Rai with, I made new friends, fell in, out and back in love again, went back to church, rammed my way through JC, started earning my own allowance, and now I'm in NTU, awaiting the start of something amazing yet again.

I'm damn old.

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies

2010-07-27T03:45:00.000-07:00

I'm going on holiday to Tioman with Bryan from the 5th to 7th of August. Boyfriend paid for my travel and accommodation there as a belated birthday present (: Thank you love, I can't wait for a getaway from city life :D I can't wait to snorkel, get massaged, suntan, and basically do things that Singapore can't offer enough of. Or what Singapore has deprived me of. Boo.

********************************************************************

Maybe one-liner sentence structuring will help.

Q: If you were gonna die tmr, what would you do?

A: Live your life like there's no tmr, of course.

Like Jon said: One life, live it.

So here's the gist of it all: There's a field. You're standing on one side. You look over. The other side looks greener. You've never been to the other side. It looks brighter, happier, albeit thorns around. You stand in your grass patch and wonder what it's like to be there. Whether or not the other side is indeed greener. But, you've been working on your side of the field for so long, years and years of toil and sacrifices. However, you've never been to the other side, really. Like never ever ever been there. Would you like to try stepping across?

I don't want to die full. I want to die empty, with all my potential unleashed. With every experience life can offer taken in.

When the soul is trapped, there your emotions clog up and a mask is put on to put up a facade that everything is alright, when it's not. You put up a mask so that others won't be able to peer deep into the recesses of your soul and see that there is nothing but void.

Which would you prefer: Empty and silent, or chaotic and violent?

I really don't mean to be emo, but maybe I've just been pondering more. Much much more.

I wish I could get my smile back too.

let's put a smile on that face

Week of Awesome

2010-07-25T06:10:00.000-07:00

This week has been one of the most awesome weeks ever in the history of awesome :D

WKWSCIFOC 2010.

I was in the OG Cosmopolitan, Cosmo for short, and I really enjoyed spending time with a group of fun-loving, cute and enthu people. The games in FOC were packed back to back, and after 5 days, I'm charred, voiceless, and filled with anticipation for the start of a school term! FOC is mindblowing, literally - I'm actually quite motivated to join the committee for next year :D

Foxtrot Social Night: Bedazzled.

On Wed night I left FOC to prepare for Bryan's Social Night. It was nice getting to know loads and loads and loads of new people (really alot), and it was awesome hanging out with Bryan and a bunch of his army friends, talking about their army experiences. It really wasn't just a guy thing (: I met Phaykey, Hanlu and a few other friends whom I haven't seen in a long long time. I met Evelyn and Valerie, who are really awesome cool people :D

Aga's Birthday Celebration.

All I can say is: I LOVE YOU GUYS, AND IT WAS AN AWESOME NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

And finally, I settled my trip to Tioman on the 5th to 7th August! (: I feel really happy tonight :D

WKWSCIFOC

2010-07-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

It's off to camp I go.

I'm a little apprehensive, yet excited at the same time. The last time I went for a camp (not actually to orientate freshies, but to play) was 2 years ago. Since then I became an OGL myself and A Levels crawled past. I got myself a job, boyfriend went to army and I enrolled into SOT. After that, the rest is still unwritten.

I still thank God I can take a break from makeup for the next 3 days. Happy :D

See you guys soon! And Team 18, take care on your mission trip! I'll miss you guys! ):

i love the way it hurts

2010-07-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

Emo after emo post, but let me just get something off my chest.

Truths and lies that coagulate my brain, my thoughts and my feelings. I feel numb to so many things and so many people now. I'm getting used to hiding secrets from the people I love and treasure, and I distance myself away from them because I don't want them to see who I really am. Because if they did, there would be irreversible consequences.

I thank those who really make an effort to find out what's wrong with me and how I'm behaving, but I really can't say anything now. It has nothing to do with God, it has nothing to do with people, it's all about me and the decisions I choose to make.

Right now, the only person who can see through me and shares my confusion (but not my turmoil) is Bryan. Sometimes, that's all I need to pull through. I'm sorry I abused your trust.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and watch me cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie. I love the way you lie.

Goodbyes ):

2010-07-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

It was just insane last night at DN. We celebrated Achily's birthday, drank our hearts out to Amit and Nikki, who are both leaving us on Fri, and watched Germany vs Spain. What a wonderful night (: A jagertrain spanning table 23, vodka+sprite+corona=yums, tobaso+corona=ugh. Woke up with a mild hangover and an awful taste in my mouth. Spectacular.

I also met my WKWSCIFOC camp seniors there, who happen to frequent DN for drinks. Talk about a small world :D *waves at seniors*

Above everything else, I just wanna say: Love you Amit & Nikki! :D Pls come back soon to see us! Loves <3

there're no happy endings, but you are the greatest thing about me

2010-07-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I'm gonna rush through some of my SOT assignments. Yes, I should have rushed through last week, but well, if you know me by now, I always hug a giant statue's leg at the last moment.

This week in SOT has already proven to be insane with Pastor Mike Connell. People jumping, screaming etc, makes you wonder if you're really living in the real world, cause you can't actually see see what's going on, you just gotta know that people are being set free by faith. I can't wait as the week progresses, I know it's gonna be more and more exciting as the week passes on.

Right now I'm revisiting some of the things that used to make me happy. Playing with my guitar, channel-surfing (although my mum took away my Nickelodeon and Disney Channel *sad face*) and eating random food (social night is a week away heh :D). I wouldn't say I'm really happy, but at least now I'm doing more things that relax my mind and body.

Monday at work was quite relaxing, compared to last week (slammed on both Wed and Thurs). We played BINGO! because the whole place was just quite empty. I went back home from work feeling more recharged from just hanging out (:

I also found out my orientation group for FOC - COSMOPOLITAN! I have to apologise to my OGL though, I thought his name was Johan/Zohan (LOL)/Yohan when it's actually Zuohan. And I'm hard of hearing on the phone so he had to repeat his sentences multiple times ): SORRY!

At the end of the week we're gonna send both Amit and Nikki off. Everyone's going overseas (sigh), and I can't send Amit off cause his flight is at 9am. I'll miss screaming at him on the walkway during busy nights. SIGH. As for Nikki, I'll see her off at the airport at midnight (:

So many things happening in the next few weeks! Can't wait! :D

(:

2010-07-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

Haha, Sihui said that I was acting emo in my previous post (: So now, it's time to talk about happy things :D

Things have been really bad the past few weeks, tons and tons of worries and burdens, so let's think of the happy(ish) things that are gonna come my way.

Number 1: WKWSCIFOC!
If that's a mouthful, it's just Orientation Camp for my course coming up next next week!

Number 2: Bryan's Social Night!
Hopefully it'll be an awesome night!

Number 3: Bryan's block leave!
We're planning to go overseas, probably to Malaysia cause it's cheap, but we gotta decide where to go and how much to spend.

Sometimes I just want to tell people what I'm going through, especially to those who are really really important to me. But now is not the time. I need to overcome and conquer before letting people know what I'm going through, or by then, what I've been through. But if I don't get past it, I know these people will stand by me no matter what decision I make. They'll most probably just feel disappointed, but I know I won't be judged. Let's just see what happens this week in SOT, who knows by this time next week, I'll be set free (:

That's it Nal, keep up the bright attitude.

For SOT now, it's assignments neverending. Insane insane. I'm gonna conquer it all by this Friday, I promise myself!

To Bryan: Don't give up (: I'll be here waiting till you finish Scorpion King. I love you! :D

Someone Like You

2010-07-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

I missed you terribly today. I see couples everywhere, especially girls holding the hands of their boyfriends with shaved heads - and it makes my heart ache. It's so painful every day of the week when you're not around.

I have full confidence in you getting through army. But I'm struggling so hard to get through army. I thought it would be easier - tough, but manageable. Apparently it's not. I thought my heart would be stronger, but it's not. I haven't spoken to you for so long. And I'm so scared you're angry at me for doing what I did, for what I find hard to control of. I know you're not, but my conscience is eating away at me, and I need you to hold my hand, look me in the eye, and tell me you forgive me. I miss you holding me in your arms, and the loving silence that speaks to my heart.

I know I'm supposed to be strong in God, and not feel so dependent on you, but like I said to you before: You're the highlight of my week. When things get tough, you were always there. Through O Levels, A Levels, arguments, work, disagreements and stress, you were always the one to tell me to make time for myself. After 3 years, I'm still not letting that sink in.

I'm still struggling. Please come out soon.

Y'know that I could use somebody

2010-07-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

It's so difficult without you here.

I'm so tired and frustrated at every aspect of my life now. Be it SOT or work or ministry - whatever. I'm just so so so tired of it all. But the hardest thing happens when I can't see you, I can't talk to you, I can't hug you, and you can't reassure me that everything's alright, because everything's not. You're tired as well, army regime and all, and I can't be the one to comfort you or understand how you feel. I haven't heard your voice for the past three days, and it's been so tiring at work, shitty customers night in night out. I'm so tired just thinking of the assignments I have yet to complete for SOT, the time I have to wake up every day and the time I get to sleep every night. Worse of all, you're not here to tell me to hold on, be strong, march on. Because I'm just drained and frustrated by everything.

I just want to run. I want to run.

Through It All

2010-06-24T08:16:00.000-07:00

I sat down with Liting at the bus stop and told her everything.

While she was talking, towards the end, my heart started to palpitate. Like something alive came in me again. I could feel something growing inside me. I could feel my eyes starting to water.

As I confessed everything to her, she never once told me to stop. She didn't tell me that I was wrong. She didn't tell me that as a Christian, I am obligated to blah blah do this do that etc. Even though she knows that what I'm doing is wrong. And as she listened intently to what I was saying, I could feel no judgment from her, I could feel no disgust from her. All I could feel was God speaking through her while she spoke to me.

I almost cried just while sitting there.

As I got home, all that I felt at the bus stop vanished away. I could feel my body breaking down once again. I felt tired, in alot of pain, and I just felt my sickness flooding through my body. Here I am, with a sore throat, an ulcered gum and runny nose, hammering away at my laptop.

Never once in my life have I thought that I would degrade to such a level.

break break my heart

2010-06-07T09:09:00.000-07:00

I feel a sense of accomplishment, honestly. Haha gonna document it down so next time when I grow old(er) I'll marvel at the strength and valour of my youth :D

Woke up at 3pm on Sunday,
Accompanied mum the whole day till dinner,
Walked the dogs till 8pm, went to parkway to buy BBT!
Reached Aranda at 9pm, drank till 4am Monday.
Reached home at 4.30am, bathed, watched HK drama till 6.15am,
Got ready to go to sch.
Reached school at 7.55am, did clock-in till 8.50am (super chaotic),
Had school till 1pm.
Left school at 1.30pm, took the train to work, reached work at 2.30pm.
Started working at 2.45pm, work work work till 11.15pm.
Reached home at 11.45pm, bathed till 12am Tuesday,
Blogging now! :D

Altogether I spent 33 hours (so far) awake. All thanks to alcohol, awesome BBQ food, hk dramas, red bull and a kit kat chunky. My legs are now paralyzed, but it feels great to really spend a WHOLE DAY. It's Tuesday tmr, so I'm gonna rest. Don't worry, friends who are worrying about me, I'm fine and I'm not sick (both mentally and physically). I'm gonna sleep early tmr night. As for tonight, I just got home half an hour ago ): Ahh well, SOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

feelin' it

2010-06-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

Today was the first time I felt the strain. I knew it was gonna come sooner or later, but today, I really felt it over the phone. When I really couldn't understand what you were saying, I didn't want to hear it. You told me so many things that happened over the last few days, but I really can't make any sense of it. I tried to tell you what was going on on my side, but I don't know how to tell you, I'm scared I have to be cut off halfway because of lights out.

Our lives are so different, moving along different paths, different streams of waters. I can't understand what you tell me, and I don't know how to tell you what I'm going through. That's the tension - the communication breakdown. I know it's quality time over the phone, especially since we can't see each other often, but I still wanna see you, hear your voice and feel your breath right next to me.

I'm frustrated and impatient with all this waiting. I try to make full use of my time every week, going to SOT, church, work and spending time with my family to make myself forget that you're not around me. But it doesn't work. It really doesn't. When I see couples, I think of you. When I hang out with friends, I think of you. When I eat dinner, I think of you. IT FEELS SO DAMN HORRIBLE.

I love you, and I'm still waiting for you to come out. We'll work through this, I promise. We've been together a long time, and there's no problem too large for us to handle together. I love you.

Birthday :D

2010-06-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

Although Bryan wasn't in Singapore to celebrate my 19th birthday with me, thank God for my wonderful beautiful awesome friends who took time and effort to make my birthday a memorable one (:

First off, thank you to everyone who wished me Happy Birthday through Facebook and SMS. I know life is hectic, so thank you to those who remembered, or bothered to leave a greeting on the wall :D I feel blessed with every single well wish! I don't get to meet most of you face-to-face often, but I still appreciate and love you for being part of my life.

Secondly, thank you Team 18 for celebrating my birthday in school for me, and messing up my hair as well. I love it (: Thank you for celebrating who I am as a person, and thank God for people like you that make SOT so much more enjoyable.

Thirdly, thank you Sihui, Wong, Roll, LK and Meh for surprising me at my place. It was the awesomest surprise ever. Hands down. Well-planned and well-executed! I loved the chocolate cake, the present, the flower, the card, the cheesy guitar birthday song and above all, I loved the company. This totally made my day :D I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

Fourthly, thank you Kor, Jie and Mummy for bringing me out for a Thai dinner, and Island Creamery after. Hehe ICECREAM FTW! :D Birthday comes once a year so just get fat right? HAHA I LOVEE YOUUUUUUUU!!!!

Lastly, thank you Siling, Eunice, Susu, Ron, Jon, Shimin and Nikki for spending my birthday night with me till the wee hours of the morning. It was crazynutz :D Can't wait for Sunday!

TO BRYAN YEO: YOU MISSED OUT. HAHA! :D

SIGH.

2010-06-01T05:34:00.000-07:00

NIGHT CYCLING
I'm forbidden to go Night Cycling for combined cg outing, super bummed about it. My mum said that my cycling skills are really bad, and when cars zoom past, I have a tendency to panic and thus put my life in danger (esp when it's at night, on the road with few cars who drive fast). I'm so disappointed, cause I've never night cycled before, and I really wanted to go to Esplanade in the middle of the night and just sit there with my beloved cg/ex-cg members. SIGH. I feel like a 16 year old whose mum still needs to sign parental consent form. Honestly, this is the first time she has objected so violently to something I wanna do. So I guess, it's Commandment 5 obeyed.

MONEY
We had an argument about money. She feels that kids should give their parents money when they start working, and that we three are counted lucky to not have to carry this burden. I feel that the children need money of their own, and parents, still earning the same income, should be able to support themselves, and not take money from their kids who are still struggling to make ends meet. Apparently she feels that back in her time, children HAD to give money to their parents to help support the family, and that children my age are selfish to not want to contribute to the household needs etc. Honestly, I think that's bull. Since all three of us ended A Levels, we have strived not to take a single cent from our parents. As much as possible, we earn our own living, excluding university fees, we pay for our own expenses, we juggle to balance work, studies and our relationships. What part of that being selfish, I don't know. If parents feel that they are still not getting by, even though their children are earning their own money, then it's time to check up on their own expenditure. If parents feel that children SHOULD give them money, I feel that it's time to look at the context, the society at which we are ALL living in right now.

Back then, each family had 8 children, obviously parents needed that extra money that the elder children had to bear and work for to support the entire family. And after time, these children (who started to work at a young age) develop a mentality of having to give part of their money to their parents, who are not struggling anymore when all their children have grown up and are no longer clinging onto their parents. Right now, we've gone out to start working part-time, so we don't have to take money from you, so we can ease your burden. But somehow you're just not satisfied until all our money goes to you.

I don't know what mentality many people have, it's like a "what I went through, you have to go through too" idea. So if I went through poverty, my children have to experience poverty. If I went through suffering, my children have to experience suffering as well.

So, if I went through divorce, my children have to experience that too?

Thank God for my generation's thinking. What we went through, we pray that our children wouldn't have to go through. We work, to give them a better life, to let them fulfill their dreams, to see them go far. We will, within our means, not allow them to go through what we went through. For example, giving money to parents who don't need it and scrimping on our own daily expenses, constantly thinking of how to get by each day, each week, each month. I want to see my children without burden, to see them run free and go after their dreams, inculcated together with a sense of independency, and that with Christ, nothing is impossible.

CHC
Let's just say: Nothing has been confirmed yet. Absolutely nothing. Undergoing investigation does not equal guilty as charged. CHC does not join the ranks of Ren Ci or NKF, whose board members have been found laundering money off its donations (i super-simplified it, may not be what exactly happened, but somewhere along those lines).

I trust the leadership. I trust Pastor. I trust the board members. If anything happens, and CHC is found guilty of allegations, then that'll only be cause for celebration. Number one, that (wo)man will be held accountable to God and only God, and secondly, sheep and goats will be distinguished. The church will grow from glory to glory, faith to faith, strength to strength.

I love my church. I stand by it. I believe in it. No one man rules the church, God rules the church, and the gates of hell will not prevail. (:

ZZZ

2010-05-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

AC's over. I didn't donate blood.
I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing, but I guess it just means my time to donate isn't here yet (:

Queuing is horrible.
I don't ever want to do it again.
(Then the next AC comes and I'm all psyched up, then I'll just queue regardless :D)

I feel quite 'pensive' (emo in adult terminology), all because I put myself in this vulnerable situation where my feelings get the hold of me and I can't seem to break out of this cycle that happens every year.
Just that this year is much stronger, and it feels so much heavier.

Denser.

Just like Dr A.R Bernard said, self-conceptualization.
It just feels hard to break out of.

The thing is - I know what the problem is and where it lies,
I know where it came from, and I can foresee where it's headed.
Yet, I still can't bring myself to overcome it.

Hopefully just as Vincent said, it takes time, and eventually you just get over it.
I don't have army to help me, so I'm just gonna have to go a different way.

Speaking of army, it sucks when your boyfriend is out for field camp for the next 10 days,
Which means you can't see him for the next two weeks.
Plus, he won't be around to celebrate it with you, like he's done for the past 3 years.
Worse still, there won't even be a text or a phone call, because he'll be somewhere under the canopy of the dreaded Tekong Forest.

Something else that's weighing me down - I can't even bear to mention it here.

I can't handle these on my own,
It's hard to keep on fighting like this.
I'm tired, I'm weary, I'm confused,
Like a bruised reed, a smoking flax,
So precariously perched on a precipice.
But I know:
You find strength in my weakness,
Beauty in my brokenness.

I lift this to You.

The one thing that I need, be seated at Your feet.

ANNOUNCEMENT

2010-05-25T09:34:00.001-07:00

ASIA CONFERENCE
IS HERE!

Ciao, won't be active anywhere except for expo for this week!

To say goodbye, here's a picture of me with my very first Popeyes (yes i know im deprived) :D

Happy kid

The next time i blog, i'd have donated blood for the very first time!
Wish me luck!

BAPTISM! (:

2010-05-16T03:38:00.000-07:00

I just wanna thank all those who came down to witness my baptism:
(In no particular order) Merrill, Sihui, Linkai, Rolland, Bryan Lee, Kaiqi, Hak Soon, Szehui,
And of course Daddy and Jie and Bryan Yeo (:
Thanks for braving the distance and the heat :D

I was baptised with my mummy, so this really marks a great milestone in my Christian walk.
To all those who helped me along this long and narrow path, you know who you are, and I wouldn't be here without the help of you guys (:

And to God, I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU :D

HELLO! :D

2010-05-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

I am currently missing something:
DANCING!

Bimbo sister in the middle (:

Gosh. It's been AGES since I danced.. Over two years?
I feel like joining some dance class - O School, Dance Ensemble?
But now I really can't afford the time.
Sigh. Just one of the many things I wanna do: GET MY SPLIT BACK.
It's been forsaken since goodness knows when.

Dancing in secondary school and singing in SOT now.
Honestly, I just wanna do both! Cause I can't decide which I prefer :D

Today I had a talk with Merrill and my choir ic Meida, and both are telling me the same thing.
It's time really, it's time to rest before things get worse.

With regards to my university, I've decided on NTU WKWSCI.
It'll be a 4 year Direct Honors course, then after that I'll be working in media :D
So now I need to decide whether or not I wanna stay in a hall, and if I am, which hall.
Questions questions, so little answers.

I Feel Like Slapping the Clouds

2010-05-10T01:01:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it!
One moment ago it was so hot and now thunderclouds are a'looming.

It was the same yesterday, hot cold hot cold rain sun humid cold rain.
Now my nose is all acting up bleah.

Some ppl must be praying too much I suppose :D

Hmm

2010-05-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

This is really eating me inside out.

I know that it's normal to feel like this once in a while,
But this time, it feels overwhelming.

Every time this sorta thing happens i fall sick, so i guess it's just a manifestation of the spirit? (Theological term here, sorry)

I hate being stuck in a place where you cant go back or move forward.
I hate being stagnant, staying put, unable to advance.

I know the cause, i know the effect,
Yet, I refuse to surrender this to God.
My Achilles' heel - the only thing he can attack, i leave it open, all because of my stubbornness, all because i dont want to let go.

Because when i let go, i lose a part of my life.
I know there is more to gain, but i dont want to lose THAT. I refuse to.

It's either one way or the other.
And that's eating me alive.

2010-04-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

I heard this story before.

When Stephanie was young, she converted into a Christian.
Her parents, who were staunch Buddhists, were very angry that she decided to become a Christian.
One day, Stephanie asked her parents whether she could get water baptised.
Her dad flew into a rage, and grabbing her by her arm, demanded her to kneel and pray in front of their family altar.
Stephanie begged her parents not to do this, and after hours of crying and scolding,
They finally allowed her to stand up.

In what Stephanie was doing, was she disrespectful to her parents by staying strong to her beliefs and not kneeling and praying to the family altar?

When you choose to stay strong to what you believe in, and hold on to that belief,
It's never gonna be easy.
Even if the world thinks you're being rude in standing up for what you hold dear to,
You are strong in what you're believing in.

And right now, i dont listen to ppl who ask me to take God out of the equation.
Because if God is out, there's no path for reconciliation.

Joy

2010-04-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

One week has flew past.

Bryan remains in camp.
The world is still round.
I still haven't done my readings or prepared for mock cg next week (:

All that's changed is my capacity.
I've grown this week :D

***************************************************************
This week has been nuts (:
It's really really no joke to wake up at 5 in the morning, walk to the mrt station which is 20 min away (cause there's no first bus to send you there), catch the first train, then reach school at 6.50am.
Have prayer meeting till 8am, a quick break to the washroom/sleep, serve choir at 8.10.
Schoooooooool till 1pm, then lunch, then DN till 11pm.
Reach home at 12am, sleep at 1am, wake up at 5am,
Repeat cycle.

Yet, this is the week that I got the most insight from God about myself, about ppl, about ministry.
Not falling sick is a whole miracle of its own.
The only emotional torture and trauma for me this week was Bryan being away, and I not being able to talk to him.
But somehow, some way, I pulled through.
His grace and mercy was upon me all this while, and I can be thankful that in honoring Him, He has honoured me as well.

I'm not really looking forward to mock cg next week,
Cause I haven't prepared for it at all.
Nonetheless, I'm gonna give my very best (:

The joy of the Lord is my strength.

It's been baffling for me this week as well.
I keep on questioning my actions, my purpose,
Am I pushing myself too hard? What am I doing all this for? Why can't I just drop everything and life will be simpler, so so so much simpler?
When especially (1) ppl don't appreciate, and (2) ppl don't see the sacrifice and effort you've put in.

Besides the popular point that leaders always say - Even if ppl don't see, God sees,
There's another reason.

Because, He first loved us, and still loves us, and will never stop loving us.
That we love, and we live, to serve His purpose.
And while doing that, He builds our lives up, continually adding and extending His Love (:

The wall needs the brick, and the brick finds its function in the wall. :D

Long Long Week

2010-04-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

I can't concentrate on practising my guitar, because i keep thinking of the effects next week could bring.
Waking up at 5am the whole week to make it for morning pm at jw,
Working till 11pm on Mon, Wed and Thurs,
Giving tuition on Tues and Fri,
Lastly, working till 3pm on Sat and rushing down to Expo to serve.

Phew. All I need now is God's protection, His strength and His continual provision (:
To really protect Bryan as he goes OCS and to keep our relationship strong in this 3 week confinement.
That's all I ask, really.

And to improve my guitar skills. I can't play the dang F chord. ):

To serve Him really isn't easy.
But I take pride in knowing that what I do is eternal, and for the sole purpose of sitting at His feet.
I'm here to prove that "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me".

I do for, and I do by.

*After crying to God to help me ease my burden, I received a text from my choir ic that tues prac is cancelled.
Really, thank God for the little treasures of life :D
He really really spoils me (: