(:

This was the fastest recovery ever.
Thanks to Bryan, and of course,
GOD
for making me stronger and giving me strength to fight the good fight.

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon the cross
Great is your love poured out for all
This is our God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Sovereign king rescued the world
This is our God

PRIDE (revisited)

Vanity (Pride), the mother of all sins.

Wong, Ben and i were talking for almost 3 hours at Broadway over dinner, touching on so many issues about God and Christianity. At the end of the fellowship, i really received revelation after revelation from whom i call my 'spiritual starters'. :D

We spoke abt the brokenness of King David, Knowledge vs Wisdom and the effect of expectations of God's future on us and over-moralistic religious Christians.

Almost everything, in the end, boiled down to the always forsaken pride and humility.

What struck me the most was something that Ben said:
"When you receive the love and salvation of God, there's no need for church elders or spiritual leaders to tell you this and that, what to do and what not to do. There's no need to be outwardly pious and yet unfulfilled on the inside. When the Holy Spirit falls upon you, the cleansing is automatic and your old man is stripped off bit by bit."

Sometimes as Christian, we become so moralistic and judgemental, as though we are better and more morally upright than other ppl in the world. And because of that, we judge them for what they wear, how they behave, and push for our views to work in their lives.

As Christians to non-believers: There should never be an element of judgement because we were all once like them. Sinners, but called to repentance. How we got to be Christians was because a Christian did not judge us or criticize our wrongdoings, but rather, loved us and brought us to the Love of Christ.

As Christians to other Christians: We found this to be a greater problem now. ): Moralistic expectations stem from the root of judgement. A moralistic Christian expects other Christians to be like himself, to "blend in with us Christians", when God has made as all to be unique. There is no "correct attire", or "proper behavior", it's not by the works of what the person does, but rather, by the condition of his heart. To judge others is to set expectations or compare, and of which is founded on pride. When one is proud, one is oblivious to the exact Word of God, and will judge a person, or even a whole church, by how they dress and act. Which is quite stupid, really.

There are so many things i wish i could type here for future reference.
But of course, there's no time and i need to go study ):
Hopefully, the Holy Spirit will remind me of our conversation in due season (:

And it was really weird praying in the middle of Broadway. Haha!

Breakdown of the Meltdown

Rev Mike Connell was really awesome today. (:
The Spirit of God was so tangible, that when i went near the stage, i started to tremble uncontrollably.

Thanks to those who msged me to ask me what's wrong. I'm alot alot ALOT better now :D

Thanks especially to BRYAN YEO, who treated me to expensive lunch! Heh (:
And since i've been studying for so long, i'll just chill tonight.

I only write poems under extreme circumstances

Her face buried in soil
Lamp shining from Hell above
Smell of printed blood and time
Slipping away

Tons of soil
Bred from keyboards and
Fruitless knowledge
Eaten to disappear

Unseen maggots eating away
Flesh not heard
Help
Unnoticed, turned away

Choked with tears
Leaving that tinted land and
Onto the ledge
Step over. Breathe.

The Irony of Education

Going through pre-Famine Camp, i realized the benefits of education. That without education, a country (and its citizens) will remain impoverished and underdeveloped. And going through the activities, education can get you a higher wage :D

All these changed once i started doing my work.

Education has made me sleepless and breathless. It has induced stress-migraines, and many many sleepless nights thinking of how to solve that damn equation. It reignited my "vulgar vocabulary", and to prevent myself from screaming a whole slew of them, i scribble down all the obscenities that are hammering to get out of my head on a piece of paper. It has brought out the worst side of me - the dominant, irritable, and insane side of me countless of times. And right now as i type this, i'm so tempted to just scream vulgarities at the top of my voice, or at least type them down. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
This may seem exaggerative to some, but to me, education has made my life a living nightmare. At this rate i'm going (at only taking 4-5 hours of sleep every single day), i'll either go crazy or flunk my A Levels, or both.

**************************************************

Today was the first time i cried over doing tutorials. Ionic Eqm tutorial to be exact. Back in secondary school, i never really cried, perhaps teared when nearing exams or i couldnt do something no matter how hard i tried. But now, no matter how hard i try, i cant complete a single tutorial (with 5 questions) in 4 hours. Damn (don't highlight) fucking failure. I can't save my own ass in A Levels now, and it's starting to get really hard, cause i cant catch up with my ongoing syllabus, and i cant do the past chapters too. To add to that, it's not just ONE subject, it's every fucking subject. I have no subject that i am perpetually good at. Right now i really feel like giving up and not taking my A Levels cause i know i cant do it. Not at this rate. I don't have the time, and i don't have the IQ to catch and apply the content faster than average ppl. I can't even memorise for God's sake. Sometimes it really makes me wonder whether God made me stupider than most ppl, and i really wonder why He opened so many doors that were not meant for my kind. I regret, i really regret for not concentrating in J1, but now it's really too late. I can't do anything now, but race through pass the gullotine, praying for the slight chance it wont fall on me. But when it does, i'll pray for a clean decapitation.

:D

It was sad yesterday, but today,
IM GLAD IT'S OVER.

Things That Piss Me Off (Part I)

1. Doing Integration By-Parts at 1am, and not managing to get the correct answers.
2. Doing By-Parts and someone else asking me stupid questions.
3. Someone telling me that church is taking too much of my time and im gonna fail my exams cause im spending all my time at church - so therefore i should stop going to church (AND HONESTLY YOU SHOULD STOP BURNING INCENSE, it makes me nose clog up).
4. Someone telling me that Bryan is taking up too much of my time and im gonna fail my exams if i dont stop going out so much with him (AND YOU SHOULD STOP WATCHING SO MUCH TV).
5. Someone telling me that my mum is spending alot of money on tuition on me and how much my parents are going through to put food on the table without me asking them for more fu-ing money to finance my tuition (AND YOU SHOULD STOP PLAYING MAHJONG).
6. Someone nagging at me abt all those above.

My mood is really gonna f-ing explode.

If all these bother you too much,
Then leave me alone.
I'll quit studying since im using up too many effing resources (why dont you add in the fact that i gotta study in air-con so the damn electricity bills are increasing cause of me huh?)
What the shit. I'm so pissed off now that i just feel like shouting the f-word at her.
UUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

LEAVE ME ALONE R-TARD.

"Now in the darkness, God's Light shines!"

Church was really good today, with Dr Kim and all.
She is such a humble person, full of God's love and faith,
Someone whom i'll really aspire to be like in the future (:

Some things in school really got me thinking this week.
I stumbled into this conversation with a few classmates, and this is the FIRST time that i have heard a girlfriend say right in front of her boyfriend that she's not planning to marry him. (GASP)
I honestly felt that ppl go into relationships out of seriousness and not out of play, not under the motivation of 'testing water'.
Well, apparently some ppl proved me wrong :/
It was kinda weird seeing ppl put down human-human relationships,
Especially those on the more private level.
I really half-expected that ppl date because they truly deeply wanna devote their time and energy (and not forgetting MONEY) to a sole person for the rest of their lives.

When i had another conversation with Bryan after this,
He told me that i had said something to him before:
"When a girl goes into a relationship, half the time she's playing.
But when a guy goes into a relationship, he really really means it."
I don't know the premise of how i got to this conclusion two years ago, but ah well,
Perceptions change.
Now i see both parties playing. ):

This whole week i kinda locked myself up in my room from 9pm to 2am,
Emerging only to find my whole household asleep.
The irony of that is i wake up the earliest too, even earlier than my domestic worker ):
BOO! I'm quite burnt out already.
But like what Samuel and Arison said, it's time to take a rest.
So i shall - With Great Expectations by my side.
I HAVE A TEST ON TUESDAY.
So it's time to study.
PIA.

Don't want nobody nobody but y-

This has been a horrendous week of school.
The influx of shiteous massssseeeesssss of tutorials again and again and again..
Extra practices in the blink of an eye..
EXTRA FRIKIN LECTURES OMG
JC life seems to never end.

Im so close to hitting someone.

End of Another Long Weekend

School begins again tmr, and im really not looking forward to it.
The end of two long weekends means another two weeks nearer and nearer to A Levels.
What a horrible, horrible thought.

Today i took advantage of the long weekend to play L4D with Arison, Kaiqi, Weijie, Samuel and Babe (4 A Levels students! The travesty!)
After that we studied, so i guess we made up for lost time. Heh.
Nonetheless, it was good gaming.
I got thrashed, punched and shot around, but it was really fun and liberating.
3 and a half hours never passed so fast. ):

Gosh, im really not looking forward to this week.
Econs test, Maths test, Chem SPA Skill A prac (AGAIN!) and tons of hmk piling up on my desk.
Shuccccckkkks.

Carbon Footprints

It's a little late now (02 29) to be exact, but im not feeling sleepy.
So i took this nifty little quiz online to show the extent of my carbon footprint, and how many earths it'll take to sustain my lifestyle if everyone on earth were to lead the same lifestyle as me.

http://www.earthday.net/footprint/flash.html


*Click to see my carbon breakdown. Apparently i eat the earth away. :D

Silent Walk

The ground has never seemed so familiar.

She stared aimlessly, keeping her distance from him.
She thought he was different from the rest - different from every one she knew.
Tonight, she found out otherwise.

He's the same.
They're all the same.

The reason why she falls down so much is cause he gave her a reason to look up and ahead, or at him.
Now, all she sees are grass and pavement.

The ring tightens round her stubby finger.

Standing Ovation

I was pretty stoned when i met Bryan today. Couldn't talk much, couldn't think much.
When i reached home, i started reflecting upon my life while showering.
I've really changed alot since secondary school, both good and bad.
Back then, i felt like i was more open to things. Like vulgarities, stupid behavior, immaturity, rubbishness, slackness etc.

Somehow, somewhere, i've developed an intolerance for all these.
Meanwhile on one side, i've been preaching about not placing judgements on ppl, but i realised that i involuntarily judge ppl myself.
When someone says "F***", "Bit**", or *fill in vulgar hokkien/cantonese words*, i shrink away.
When someone starts being childish (not child-like), i ignore him/her.

In the past, i used to be enthusiastic about people,
Waving to ppl i know by face on the corridor and greeting them loudly.
Now when i see ppl whom i know know me and i know them, i refuse to say "Hi" or wave. I just smile back.
And eventually, when you stop, they stop too.

I'm not me.
I'm no longer me.
I'm just a shell of knowledge, waiting for my Armageddon to come.

Happy Happy (past) Saturday.

It's already Monday, inching towards Tuesday.
I dont know whether to feel happy that the week is one more day to being over,
Or that im one day closer to A Levels :/

Anw, i completely forgot to blog abt an amazing weekend i had.
Friday was just awesome - Studying and playing L4D on the same day.
Now let's talk abt Saturday (:

I woke up with a pimple outbreak. URGH.
But everything got better once i went to church and heard Pastor Steve Munsey preach.
He's amazing. Honestly, i almost cried and it took me quite alot of effort to suck my tears back in.
It takes awhile for his antics to sink in, but once it does, you can really feel the tangible love of God sweeping you off your feet.
The story of God's love has been heard by Christians a million times,
And sometimes we do take God's love for granted.
But as Steve Munsey said, "God's here to create a love story."

In a love story, there'll definitely be ups and downs,
Times when one makes the other upset,
Or times when one just feels like giving up.
But God's here to create the ultimate true love story,
One that will touch millions and millions of ppl.
Steven Munsey's reenactment of God's love for us really really touched my soul,
And i feel blessed to have been there watching him do his thang :D

After service we went to TM to fellowship and have dinner.
Right after dinner, we went to the arcade and it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
I've never had so many crazy Air Hockey fans with me before! :DDD
Daytona and Air Hockey was SO fun with the cell,
We were creating a commotion in the arcade itself - HILARIOUS.
Everyone was looking at us, cause whenever one side scored, the whole group of us would clap.
HAHA!

The sun went down and UP AGAIN!
This time, i woke up with a sprained neck -.- (it's still sprained).
After that, i went with my mum's cg to watch WOLVERINE! :D
AWESOME (: The whole theatre was ours. Hehe.
Hugh Jackman is HAWT! Abit hairy, but aaahhhhwell (: Dreamy.
Gambit was cool, but other than him the other characters were just meh.
Overall it was nice, nice, nice :D

Then after that it was tuition.
UGH.

Sun up, sun down.
Woke up with a continual necksprain, and a scratched thumb.
Must be Wolverine.

I Am Not Your Typical Girl.

The sun was searing hot today,
And it beat down on unsuspecting muggers like me who left their house at 1.30pm (HOT!) to go and study.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Nonetheless, three full hours of studying really helped.
I felt like i did stuff. Good stuff.
Oh, i ate fries, lots of 'em.

After that i was joined by Bryan, Samuel, Arison, KQ, Merrill and Weijie.
Samuel Merrill and Weijie left when Bryan and I went to the arcade to play. :D
So there left me, Bryan, KQ and Arison - who went to play L4D!

It was my virgin L4D experience, and i must say, this game is really what the hype was all abt.
It's fun, and warrants you the right to SCREAM without ppl looking at you thinking you're a wuss. (:
So 4 of us played Campaign mode, Survival mode (couldnt last 4 minutes, HAHA!) and Versus mode.
Total time: 2 and a half hours.
Money spent: $7 per person.
Shucks. ):

**************************************************
There's been this online hype abt Gay vs Christianity besides the H1N1 virus thingamajig that's been going around lately. (Code Orange. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)
And in my point of view, all i've gotta say is:

"Let him who has no sin cast the first stone."

That's gonna be one of my fundamental Christian mottos towards ppl for the rest of my life.
There's no right for us to judge other ppl, even as Christians.
Some Christians think that they're representatives of God - who can condemn ppl to hell and tell them that "HEY! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!", which i find extremely disturbing and wrong.
We are merely messengers of God's love, nothing more.

Ah, feeling all 'Christianly-righteous' now.
Shall go and do facebook quizzes. HAHA.