Through It All

I sat down with Liting at the bus stop and told her everything.

While she was talking, towards the end, my heart started to palpitate. Like something alive came in me again. I could feel something growing inside me. I could feel my eyes starting to water.

As I confessed everything to her, she never once told me to stop. She didn't tell me that I was wrong. She didn't tell me that as a Christian, I am obligated to blah blah do this do that etc. Even though she knows that what I'm doing is wrong. And as she listened intently to what I was saying, I could feel no judgment from her, I could feel no disgust from her. All I could feel was God speaking through her while she spoke to me.

I almost cried just while sitting there.

As I got home, all that I felt at the bus stop vanished away. I could feel my body breaking down once again. I felt tired, in alot of pain, and I just felt my sickness flooding through my body. Here I am, with a sore throat, an ulcered gum and runny nose, hammering away at my laptop.

Never once in my life have I thought that I would degrade to such a level.

break break my heart

I feel a sense of accomplishment, honestly. Haha gonna document it down so next time when I grow old(er) I'll marvel at the strength and valour of my youth :D

Woke up at 3pm on Sunday,
Accompanied mum the whole day till dinner,
Walked the dogs till 8pm, went to parkway to buy BBT!
Reached Aranda at 9pm, drank till 4am Monday.
Reached home at 4.30am, bathed, watched HK drama till 6.15am,
Got ready to go to sch.
Reached school at 7.55am, did clock-in till 8.50am (super chaotic),
Had school till 1pm.
Left school at 1.30pm, took the train to work, reached work at 2.30pm.
Started working at 2.45pm, work work work till 11.15pm.
Reached home at 11.45pm, bathed till 12am Tuesday,
Blogging now! :D

Altogether I spent 33 hours (so far) awake. All thanks to alcohol, awesome BBQ food, hk dramas, red bull and a kit kat chunky. My legs are now paralyzed, but it feels great to really spend a WHOLE DAY. It's Tuesday tmr, so I'm gonna rest. Don't worry, friends who are worrying about me, I'm fine and I'm not sick (both mentally and physically). I'm gonna sleep early tmr night. As for tonight, I just got home half an hour ago ): Ahh well, SOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

feelin' it

Today was the first time I felt the strain. I knew it was gonna come sooner or later, but today, I really felt it over the phone. When I really couldn't understand what you were saying, I didn't want to hear it. You told me so many things that happened over the last few days, but I really can't make any sense of it. I tried to tell you what was going on on my side, but I don't know how to tell you, I'm scared I have to be cut off halfway because of lights out.

Our lives are so different, moving along different paths, different streams of waters. I can't understand what you tell me, and I don't know how to tell you what I'm going through. That's the tension - the communication breakdown. I know it's quality time over the phone, especially since we can't see each other often, but I still wanna see you, hear your voice and feel your breath right next to me.

I'm frustrated and impatient with all this waiting. I try to make full use of my time every week, going to SOT, church, work and spending time with my family to make myself forget that you're not around me. But it doesn't work. It really doesn't. When I see couples, I think of you. When I hang out with friends, I think of you. When I eat dinner, I think of you. IT FEELS SO DAMN HORRIBLE.

I love you, and I'm still waiting for you to come out. We'll work through this, I promise. We've been together a long time, and there's no problem too large for us to handle together. I love you.

Birthday :D

Although Bryan wasn't in Singapore to celebrate my 19th birthday with me, thank God for my wonderful beautiful awesome friends who took time and effort to make my birthday a memorable one (:

First off, thank you to everyone who wished me Happy Birthday through Facebook and SMS. I know life is hectic, so thank you to those who remembered, or bothered to leave a greeting on the wall :D I feel blessed with every single well wish! I don't get to meet most of you face-to-face often, but I still appreciate and love you for being part of my life.

Secondly, thank you Team 18 for celebrating my birthday in school for me, and messing up my hair as well. I love it (: Thank you for celebrating who I am as a person, and thank God for people like you that make SOT so much more enjoyable.

Thirdly, thank you Sihui, Wong, Roll, LK and Meh for surprising me at my place. It was the awesomest surprise ever. Hands down. Well-planned and well-executed! I loved the chocolate cake, the present, the flower, the card, the cheesy guitar birthday song and above all, I loved the company. This totally made my day :D I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

Fourthly, thank you Kor, Jie and Mummy for bringing me out for a Thai dinner, and Island Creamery after. Hehe ICECREAM FTW! :D Birthday comes once a year so just get fat right? HAHA I LOVEE YOUUUUUUUU!!!!

Lastly, thank you Siling, Eunice, Susu, Ron, Jon, Shimin and Nikki for spending my birthday night with me till the wee hours of the morning. It was crazynutz :D Can't wait for Sunday!



TO BRYAN YEO: YOU MISSED OUT. HAHA! :D

SIGH.

NIGHT CYCLING
I'm forbidden to go Night Cycling for combined cg outing, super bummed about it. My mum said that my cycling skills are really bad, and when cars zoom past, I have a tendency to panic and thus put my life in danger (esp when it's at night, on the road with few cars who drive fast). I'm so disappointed, cause I've never night cycled before, and I really wanted to go to Esplanade in the middle of the night and just sit there with my beloved cg/ex-cg members. SIGH. I feel like a 16 year old whose mum still needs to sign parental consent form. Honestly, this is the first time she has objected so violently to something I wanna do. So I guess, it's Commandment 5 obeyed.

MONEY
We had an argument about money. She feels that kids should give their parents money when they start working, and that we three are counted lucky to not have to carry this burden. I feel that the children need money of their own, and parents, still earning the same income, should be able to support themselves, and not take money from their kids who are still struggling to make ends meet. Apparently she feels that back in her time, children HAD to give money to their parents to help support the family, and that children my age are selfish to not want to contribute to the household needs etc. Honestly, I think that's bull. Since all three of us ended A Levels, we have strived not to take a single cent from our parents. As much as possible, we earn our own living, excluding university fees, we pay for our own expenses, we juggle to balance work, studies and our relationships. What part of that being selfish, I don't know. If parents feel that they are still not getting by, even though their children are earning their own money, then it's time to check up on their own expenditure. If parents feel that children SHOULD give them money, I feel that it's time to look at the context, the society at which we are ALL living in right now.

Back then, each family had 8 children, obviously parents needed that extra money that the elder children had to bear and work for to support the entire family. And after time, these children (who started to work at a young age) develop a mentality of having to give part of their money to their parents, who are not struggling anymore when all their children have grown up and are no longer clinging onto their parents. Right now, we've gone out to start working part-time, so we don't have to take money from you, so we can ease your burden. But somehow you're just not satisfied until all our money goes to you.

I don't know what mentality many people have, it's like a "what I went through, you have to go through too" idea. So if I went through poverty, my children have to experience poverty. If I went through suffering, my children have to experience suffering as well.

So, if I went through divorce, my children have to experience that too?

Thank God for my generation's thinking. What we went through, we pray that our children wouldn't have to go through. We work, to give them a better life, to let them fulfill their dreams, to see them go far. We will, within our means, not allow them to go through what we went through. For example, giving money to parents who don't need it and scrimping on our own daily expenses, constantly thinking of how to get by each day, each week, each month. I want to see my children without burden, to see them run free and go after their dreams, inculcated together with a sense of independency, and that with Christ, nothing is impossible.

CHC
Let's just say: Nothing has been confirmed yet. Absolutely nothing. Undergoing investigation does not equal guilty as charged. CHC does not join the ranks of Ren Ci or NKF, whose board members have been found laundering money off its donations (i super-simplified it, may not be what exactly happened, but somewhere along those lines).

I trust the leadership. I trust Pastor. I trust the board members. If anything happens, and CHC is found guilty of allegations, then that'll only be cause for celebration. Number one, that (wo)man will be held accountable to God and only God, and secondly, sheep and goats will be distinguished. The church will grow from glory to glory, faith to faith, strength to strength.

I love my church. I stand by it. I believe in it. No one man rules the church, God rules the church, and the gates of hell will not prevail. (: