but if i wrap my words around you

Songs are poems, they are prose, they are images, they are dance, they are feelings, they are experiences, they are what heal and break the human body, soul and spirit.

When you translate you into a song, that's when life starts to make sense.

Be it pop, rock, trance, techno, rap, metal, indie, each song finds a way into a person's mind and stays there, either melody or words, or both. It becomes an idea. And if you've watched Inception, an idea is the most infectious disease of them all. It affects your soul, and brings out the innermost feelings you've hidden for the longest time.

Songs are dangerous. They can lead you into temptation and down into a valley, suffocating your soul. At the same time, songs can heal. Christian songs and hymns, they heal your soul and spirit, give you a hope and faith for the future.

Songs are landmarks. There is a specific song for a specific time. When I was in primary school, Ayumi Hamasaki and Speed (J-pop). When I was 14, Simple Plan's Welcome to My Life. When I was 16, Way Back Into Love. When I was 17, Hillsong's Hosanna. These songs serenaded me growing up.

To me, songs are beautiful.

if i could, then i would

Talking to those who just came back from missions about their "village experience" made me think about Chiang Rai, made me ponder on my life, and made me wish i could just fly back there now.

These were all taken with a compact camera back when I was 15, imagine these with a DSLR, they'd be ohmygawd amazing.







That's me in a pink suit.

I want to walk down the dusty untamed roads of the mountains again, and feel the cool of the pure air, untainted. If I could, I may have chosen to be a villager and work in padi fields, awaiting for nothing but the seasons.

It's scary to think how much things have changed since then. In a span of 4 years, I almost no longer keep in contact with a single person I went to Chiang Rai with, I made new friends, fell in, out and back in love again, went back to church, rammed my way through JC, started earning my own allowance, and now I'm in NTU, awaiting the start of something amazing yet again.

I'm damn old.

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies

I'm going on holiday to Tioman with Bryan from the 5th to 7th of August. Boyfriend paid for my travel and accommodation there as a belated birthday present (: Thank you love, I can't wait for a getaway from city life :D I can't wait to snorkel, get massaged, suntan, and basically do things that Singapore can't offer enough of. Or what Singapore has deprived me of. Boo.

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Maybe one-liner sentence structuring will help.

Q: If you were gonna die tmr, what would you do?

A: Live your life like there's no tmr, of course.

Like Jon said: One life, live it.

So here's the gist of it all: There's a field. You're standing on one side. You look over. The other side looks greener. You've never been to the other side. It looks brighter, happier, albeit thorns around. You stand in your grass patch and wonder what it's like to be there. Whether or not the other side is indeed greener. But, you've been working on your side of the field for so long, years and years of toil and sacrifices. However, you've never been to the other side, really. Like never ever ever been there. Would you like to try stepping across?

I don't want to die full. I want to die empty, with all my potential unleashed. With every experience life can offer taken in.

When the soul is trapped, there your emotions clog up and a mask is put on to put up a facade that everything is alright, when it's not. You put up a mask so that others won't be able to peer deep into the recesses of your soul and see that there is nothing but void.

Which would you prefer: Empty and silent, or chaotic and violent?

I really don't mean to be emo, but maybe I've just been pondering more. Much much more.

I wish I could get my smile back too.

let's put a smile on that face

Week of Awesome

This week has been one of the most awesome weeks ever in the history of awesome :D

WKWSCIFOC 2010.

I was in the OG Cosmopolitan, Cosmo for short, and I really enjoyed spending time with a group of fun-loving, cute and enthu people. The games in FOC were packed back to back, and after 5 days, I'm charred, voiceless, and filled with anticipation for the start of a school term! FOC is mindblowing, literally - I'm actually quite motivated to join the committee for next year :D

Foxtrot Social Night: Bedazzled.

On Wed night I left FOC to prepare for Bryan's Social Night. It was nice getting to know loads and loads and loads of new people (really alot), and it was awesome hanging out with Bryan and a bunch of his army friends, talking about their army experiences. It really wasn't just a guy thing (: I met Phaykey, Hanlu and a few other friends whom I haven't seen in a long long time. I met Evelyn and Valerie, who are really awesome cool people :D

Aga's Birthday Celebration.

All I can say is: I LOVE YOU GUYS, AND IT WAS AN AWESOME NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

And finally, I settled my trip to Tioman on the 5th to 7th August! (: I feel really happy tonight :D

WKWSCIFOC

It's off to camp I go.

I'm a little apprehensive, yet excited at the same time. The last time I went for a camp (not actually to orientate freshies, but to play) was 2 years ago. Since then I became an OGL myself and A Levels crawled past. I got myself a job, boyfriend went to army and I enrolled into SOT. After that, the rest is still unwritten.

I still thank God I can take a break from makeup for the next 3 days. Happy :D

See you guys soon! And Team 18, take care on your mission trip! I'll miss you guys! ):

i love the way it hurts

Emo after emo post, but let me just get something off my chest.

Truths and lies that coagulate my brain, my thoughts and my feelings. I feel numb to so many things and so many people now. I'm getting used to hiding secrets from the people I love and treasure, and I distance myself away from them because I don't want them to see who I really am. Because if they did, there would be irreversible consequences.

I thank those who really make an effort to find out what's wrong with me and how I'm behaving, but I really can't say anything now. It has nothing to do with God, it has nothing to do with people, it's all about me and the decisions I choose to make.

Right now, the only person who can see through me and shares my confusion (but not my turmoil) is Bryan. Sometimes, that's all I need to pull through. I'm sorry I abused your trust.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and watch me cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie. I love the way you lie.

Goodbyes ):

It was just insane last night at DN. We celebrated Achily's birthday, drank our hearts out to Amit and Nikki, who are both leaving us on Fri, and watched Germany vs Spain. What a wonderful night (: A jagertrain spanning table 23, vodka+sprite+corona=yums, tobaso+corona=ugh. Woke up with a mild hangover and an awful taste in my mouth. Spectacular.

I also met my WKWSCIFOC camp seniors there, who happen to frequent DN for drinks. Talk about a small world :D *waves at seniors*

Above everything else, I just wanna say: Love you Amit & Nikki! :D Pls come back soon to see us! Loves <3

there're no happy endings, but you are the greatest thing about me

Tonight, I'm gonna rush through some of my SOT assignments. Yes, I should have rushed through last week, but well, if you know me by now, I always hug a giant statue's leg at the last moment.

This week in SOT has already proven to be insane with Pastor Mike Connell. People jumping, screaming etc, makes you wonder if you're really living in the real world, cause you can't actually see see what's going on, you just gotta know that people are being set free by faith. I can't wait as the week progresses, I know it's gonna be more and more exciting as the week passes on.

Right now I'm revisiting some of the things that used to make me happy. Playing with my guitar, channel-surfing (although my mum took away my Nickelodeon and Disney Channel *sad face*) and eating random food (social night is a week away heh :D). I wouldn't say I'm really happy, but at least now I'm doing more things that relax my mind and body.

Monday at work was quite relaxing, compared to last week (slammed on both Wed and Thurs). We played BINGO! because the whole place was just quite empty. I went back home from work feeling more recharged from just hanging out (:

I also found out my orientation group for FOC - COSMOPOLITAN! I have to apologise to my OGL though, I thought his name was Johan/Zohan (LOL)/Yohan when it's actually Zuohan. And I'm hard of hearing on the phone so he had to repeat his sentences multiple times ): SORRY!

At the end of the week we're gonna send both Amit and Nikki off. Everyone's going overseas (sigh), and I can't send Amit off cause his flight is at 9am. I'll miss screaming at him on the walkway during busy nights. SIGH. As for Nikki, I'll see her off at the airport at midnight (:

So many things happening in the next few weeks! Can't wait! :D

(:

Haha, Sihui said that I was acting emo in my previous post (: So now, it's time to talk about happy things :D

Things have been really bad the past few weeks, tons and tons of worries and burdens, so let's think of the happy(ish) things that are gonna come my way.

Number 1: WKWSCIFOC!
If that's a mouthful, it's just Orientation Camp for my course coming up next next week!

Number 2: Bryan's Social Night!
Hopefully it'll be an awesome night!

Number 3: Bryan's block leave!
We're planning to go overseas, probably to Malaysia cause it's cheap, but we gotta decide where to go and how much to spend.

Sometimes I just want to tell people what I'm going through, especially to those who are really really important to me. But now is not the time. I need to overcome and conquer before letting people know what I'm going through, or by then, what I've been through. But if I don't get past it, I know these people will stand by me no matter what decision I make. They'll most probably just feel disappointed, but I know I won't be judged. Let's just see what happens this week in SOT, who knows by this time next week, I'll be set free (:

That's it Nal, keep up the bright attitude.

For SOT now, it's assignments neverending. Insane insane. I'm gonna conquer it all by this Friday, I promise myself!

To Bryan: Don't give up (: I'll be here waiting till you finish Scorpion King. I love you! :D

Someone Like You

I missed you terribly today. I see couples everywhere, especially girls holding the hands of their boyfriends with shaved heads - and it makes my heart ache. It's so painful every day of the week when you're not around.

I have full confidence in you getting through army. But I'm struggling so hard to get through army. I thought it would be easier - tough, but manageable. Apparently it's not. I thought my heart would be stronger, but it's not. I haven't spoken to you for so long. And I'm so scared you're angry at me for doing what I did, for what I find hard to control of. I know you're not, but my conscience is eating away at me, and I need you to hold my hand, look me in the eye, and tell me you forgive me. I miss you holding me in your arms, and the loving silence that speaks to my heart.

I know I'm supposed to be strong in God, and not feel so dependent on you, but like I said to you before: You're the highlight of my week. When things get tough, you were always there. Through O Levels, A Levels, arguments, work, disagreements and stress, you were always the one to tell me to make time for myself. After 3 years, I'm still not letting that sink in.

I'm still struggling. Please come out soon.

Y'know that I could use somebody

It's so difficult without you here.

I'm so tired and frustrated at every aspect of my life now. Be it SOT or work or ministry - whatever. I'm just so so so tired of it all. But the hardest thing happens when I can't see you, I can't talk to you, I can't hug you, and you can't reassure me that everything's alright, because everything's not. You're tired as well, army regime and all, and I can't be the one to comfort you or understand how you feel. I haven't heard your voice for the past three days, and it's been so tiring at work, shitty customers night in night out. I'm so tired just thinking of the assignments I have yet to complete for SOT, the time I have to wake up every day and the time I get to sleep every night. Worse of all, you're not here to tell me to hold on, be strong, march on. Because I'm just drained and frustrated by everything.

I just want to run. I want to run.