Maturity

As you grow older, your eyes are opened to so much more, life deals different things to you.

You have to learn, you have to grasp and you have to execute.

Even if you can't, you gotta take it with a great attitude. That comes with maturity and a sense of knowing that the world doesn't revolve around you. That being said, your own world doesn't revolve solely around you either.

Working and living for yourself does make sense, but not all the time. People around you need help too, and when they cry out, you gotta decide to step out of your bubble and tread into their world. It isn't easy, but it's just part of life. You can decide not to, but then, you're just gonna watch as they fuck up their own lives.

But, how much can you live for yourself and others? Either extreme, and you've got nothing but a dead end.

Can anyone see me down here

It's been more than a week since I last posted. This week hasn't been good for me.

I missed the one and only call from Bryan in Brunei (he's having a tough time there, and I really feel damn useless for doing nothing here in Sg), my laptop started whirring on me and spoilt (apparently there was a HD failure), so all my lecture notes and slides and everything are just gone. It's not so bad for most of my mods, cause my lecturers upload everything online. But -Cherian George doesn't.

I fell down today in Parkway, smashed my Koi and drowned my iPhone in it. My phone was in a plastic bag and the Koi started dripping its way into the plastic bag. By the time I realized, my entire phone was submerged in bubble tea, so I ran to Juzz1 and a repairman was there. He took my phone away and now I'm phoneless for the next two days, not to mention I have to pay at least $50 for repair and diagnostics, and up to $200 for replacement of parts.

I'm superbly broke now. And it's barely near payday.

I'm so so so worried about so many things. Honestly, everything just doesn't seem to be going well now. There are tons of assignments to be handed in, crap to be researched on, readings to catch up on, and dear god, not to mention my phone is down. I need to buy my attire for F1, hand in my rebate form and settle hall stuff.

I really need a mental break, which I don't know why, hasn't came to me since.. ever. A Levels, work, SOT, uni. On and on and on.

Haha yes

I smile less now (:

No use smiling when there's little reason for you to.

With the backlog of tutorials, the catching up of lectures (which I missed cause of bidding weeks - omg biz law I'm damn scared), worries about money, work schedules to work out amidst studying, stupid notes which are so hard to print when you don't have a printer at home, a constant biopsychosociospiritual tug-of-war between religion and trying to live a life outside which can be contradictory, and above all, not having your bf to listen to your problems, which is chicken soup for my soul.

Sometimes I wish my life had headed for a different direction. Getting rid of any one component (except bf) would make it alot less complicated.

I've lost hope.

cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

I visited my grandma in the hospital today. She's fine, just had a minor op to remove some gallstones from her body.

Next to her bed, an elderly woman was screaming. They were helping her with medication (couldn't see cause the curtains were drawn), and she had her daughter by her side. She was screaming (in chinese) that she wanted to go home, and whenever the nurses did something, she kept brawling for help. She yelled and struggled - and in that experience something hit me hard in my heartstrings.

I sat there, next to my grandma. This was the first time I've been to the hospital for something good (a successful operation), although my grandma was in mild pain. The past few times I've been there, my relatives were going to pass away, and my family was there to accompany them for their last few moments on earth.

I remembered both my great granddads. My god-great-granddad. I never witnessed my grandfathers passing away - On the maternal side, I was not born yet and on the paternal side, I was too young to remember. The last time I went to the hospital, I was supposed to undergo intensive blood donation to save a friend's dad's life. I couldn't, because my vein was too thin and it was risky for me to donate such a huge amount of blood. He subsequently passed away.

The elderly woman on the next bed made me wish that I would never ever set foot in the hospital again. She made my heart bleed.

Photo credit: Ivan Tan

I'll be back there in a couple of weeks.

The Hope

Sometimes, all we need is that one hope - that one person, to help us cling on, to help us climb on.

I Love Being A Vampire

Thursday Night:

Homecoming - Free beer, free ice cream. Insane performances by CS ppl (Flippin' talented bunch of students!). Talk cock session with Cosmo with the high-and-flying Alexes. :D

ACE of Clubs - I have never ever enjoyed myself so much with DN people. *drinks* Thank you guys for listening to my problems and cheering me up throughout the night. I really don't know what I'd do without you guys (: If I could, I wouldn't shoot a single one of you! (Except Shaun cause you're such a whiny bitch HAHA! :D)

Friday Night:

Dear Maureen, you are awesome! Your friends are awesome (most of them anyway, haha!). Screw depression, screw emoing, screw crying - live the night! :D Thanks Ka, Ernest, Taylor and Maurice for taking care of us and entertaining us throughout the night (: (As well as Dennis and Patrick - that's all I could remember).

It's been an insane, high-flying two nights.

Dear Nal,

I'm sorry your life sucks.

I'm sorry that you had to land up in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

I'm sorry that you have to go through all these being flung at you, all at once.

I'm sorry that when you cry, I can't do anything.

I'm sorry that you made wrong choices.

I'm sorry people made wrong choices for you.

I'm sorry you're me.

My heart just skipped a beat, over and over again.

For the right, and for the wrong reasons.

Painted Walls

I trap myself in these painted walls

Unbothered by that noise, oh that noise

Crows from the rooftop

Where love once lived

Meaningless talk and scared silence

Avoiding hurt that now resides

Amongst these painted walls

Whitewashed to all its glory

Curtains covering the dents that remain

Pain and brokenness

Now eat away

At these painted walls

Livin' On the Radio

I’ve got no friends
I’m my own queen
But I’m living on, living on the the radio
That’s my dream

Stone river eyes
And a lonely heart
If I’m living on the radio
They won’t tear me apart

10 steps and roses on the tree
10 steps and lonely nights
But you’ve still got me
On the road
Road paved in gold

Baby you must believe
Baby you must be free
Keep living on, living on the radio
That’s my dream

Baby you’ve gotta friend
And so many little monsters, yeah
Keep living on, living on the radio
That’s your dream

And when there’s nowhere to go
And your friends are gone
And you only got your daddy to call
It will be all right, honey
Cause your songs are on the radio

Cause the showbiz, all the caviar
The champagne and the sold out shows
But it will be all right honey
Cause your songs are on the radio

If Only

If only I didn't see that email, I wouldn't have had my suspicions confirmed.

I wouldn't have had my heart broken for the umpteenth by you, and I wouldn't feel like my past forgiveness have been wasted.

I've always been one to put up strong fronts and reason my way out of tears, but this time, I think I'm done acting, I'm done arguing with myself.

This has nothing to do with Bryan Yeo (as many of you would like to believe). I think there are many more issues to me than just my boyfriend (my life doesn't solely revolve around him).

I've written a song, and one day, when I get over this, I'll put it up online. Right now, it's off limits.

To you, who probably will never see this:

I've known for years, and finding out doesn't shock me. What saddens me is that despite it being wrong, your mind has been so painfully warped to think that what you're doing is right, forgivable and continuable. It's hurting not only me, but all of us. I thought that after so many years, we can let this go because you've changed. But you haven't. I'll still forgive you, because of who you are. But that doesn't change my disappointment in you, the pain that I feel because of your actions won't change either. Love covers a multitude of sins, forgiveness, mercy and grace stem out from that love.

Love, your one and only,

Huay.