For You I Bleed Myself Dry

The stars were beautiful last night. But no matter how much you tried to convince me they were stars, to me - they were satellites. Posers, imitations, their green lights gave them away.

I agreed to meet you. Not because I wanted anything from you, to get back, to be together again, for you to forgive me, nothing. I just wanted to see how you were, what possessed you to text me things like that, and whether or not you meant what you said, or you were just tipsy and felt like it at that moment.

Right now I'm enjoying my life of freedom. No obligations, no strings attached, no accountability. I could meet whoever I want, at whatever time I wanted, without having to take your feelings into consideration. I thought you were booking in, that's why I asked my friend out for late drinks with me. Not because I wanted to make you jealous or what not, that's just retarded.

I told you that you'd regret it. I told you that my heart doesn't feel anything anymore. I remember you telling me when you went off: "I don't regret this", but trust me, you will, in due time. My heart feels numb to pain, but just talking and being with you makes me wanna die. The hours and effort and money put into alcohol and partying doesn't make me feel any better the moment I'm sober and I see a text from you, or you yourself. I feel numb 99.9% of the time, but once I talk to you, that 0.1% comes back. And I reach for that bottle of whiskey.

I won't say I don't love you anymore. But I don't feel like I have the tendency to love anyone anymore. I'm just playing around now. And that's why I don't want you near me. Because, you're the only person I won't flirt with, the only person I won't text just because I want to play, you're much more significant to me than that.

And no, you won't bring the old Nal back anytime soon.

At the end of the night

It doesn't matter where I am.

It doesn't matter what I've drank.

It doesn't matter how much fun I had.

Because once I'm alone, once I'm sick and tired of doing what I do, I think of us.

I look back at our pictures. I wonder what has happened. I fantasize that everything is still alright, that you're just too busy to reply to my texts. That nothing has changed.

Someone told me, it takes women a half of the duration of the relationship to fully get over the guy. And it takes the men the entire duration of the relationship to fully get over the girl.

That means:

2 years for me,

And 4 for you.

Honestly, I don't know how long I will take. I'm throwing away every fibre of common sense. There's no sense in what I did, and what I tried to do. So, what's the point?

But you make complete and utter logic.

You win.

I hope you do.

OH HAWT DAYUM

Boy, why you gotta be so cute?

I really like being with you, hanging out and just talking about life. That night we spent 4 hours just chatting away (despite the awkward circumstances) made me feel so loved (seriously, loved), pampered, and just practically took away all the hurt and disgust I was feeling about myself.

When you looked me straight in the eyes and told me to stop thinking about myself that way - you pretty much captured my heart. (HAHA FUCK THIS IS SO CORNY)

When I opened my heart and my hurt to you, you didn't judge me, you just listened and nodded your head, like you understood where that pain was coming from, the reason for my tears and fears, the insecurity I had and the plunge in self-esteem I took when I free-falled from my life.

Sharing with me about your own life made me realise that I wasn't the only one who's been through shit that life has thrown to us, that everyone has their own problems, and it's no use dwelling on them. Cause at the end of it all, you gotta get your focus back and pay attention to the things that need attention the most - studies, friends, fun. In that order.

You may be much older than me, but you don't look down on my age. You think I've gone through much more than my peers, and know more abt the world than most of them. I honestly wouldn't say that, cause everyone does stupid things all the time - just for the heck of it. I land myself in trouble, THEN I learn. I don't do things theoretically - I make mistakes practically. And sometimes the most obvious things need to be tested out to check whether they really are as bad as they sound. P.S they're not always bad (: (I could give some examples, but nah, some things are meant for me to know and for others to find out hahahhaha)

Like you said, this may be unusual, and to both of us, this is kinda creepy-weird in a pedophiliac way, (PEDOBEAR HAHAHAHHAA) but if it works, it'll work. We'll just see how it all turns out in due time.

Honestly, I'm either a 25 year old trapped in a 20 year old's body, or you're a 21 year old trapped in a 28 year old's body. I'd like to think of it as your fault :D

I do miss you though.

Dead and Gone

I've been traveling on this road too long
Just try'na find my way back home
The old me's dead and gone, dead and gone
I've been traveling on this road too long
Just try'na find my way back home
The old me's dead and gone, dead and gone

I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
The old me is dead and gone

THE NEW ME WILL BE ALRIGHT

We've moved on. As long as you're happy, I'm happy. I just don't want you to make the same mistakes I did, which you never think are mistakes till you make em and the consequences come flooding you.

I've met someone better than you, I hope he's not a rebound guy, he's too good to be someone like that. Let's just see how that works out for me.

As for you, take care, be safe.

Love,

Yours, forever and ever.

Come what may.

STOP

I met a friend during lecture today, and talking to her for 5 minutes totally woke me up. Seriously. She can be a freaking counselor - I would pay her. This is how our conversation went:

S: Babe, I read your FB. What happened? You keep posting like emo shit and all.

N: Yea, my bf left me for another girl he met at the club after like, a week.

S: What the fuck. Seriously?

N: More or less, yea.

S: Babe, stop posting those emo comments. You don't need to keep letting him know how emo you are and all. It's like so pathetic.

N: Yea, I know right.

S: Like seriously, move on. Quit sounding like a whiny bitch when he's out there with some other girl enjoying life.

N: True, true.

S: You don't need him, and stop posting emo stuff. It's like so loserish.

N: HAHAHAHA babe this is like the best advice someone has ever given me.

Thanks to friends who asked after me and telling me how much a douchebag my ex was. No matter how much of an ass he was, I know alot abt him to know he's more than that, that's why I couldn't move on. But nonetheless, I'm trying my best to get past everything. Date more ppl, enjoy being single for a while. It doesn't matter. I know it won't help me in the long run, but right now, I can be what I wanna be without accounting to anyone.

It's amazing how many stories I can tell my grandchildren in the future (:

My kid: Mummy, can I take "brownies"?

Me: Sure, go ahead, it won't kill you.

HAHAHHA my kids will be damn lucky.

Loved and Lost

I'm about to lose my mind

You've been gone for so long

I'm running out of time

I need a doctor, call me a doctor

I need a doctor, doctor, to bring me back to life.

Bring me back to life

Bring me back to life

Since you left me, my life has gone to shit.

I deal with this the only way I know how - party, drink, dance, party, flirt with guys and drink some more. Sometimes I wish I was perpetually drunk, so I won't think so about what happened so much. To me, this is the only way I know how to repair a broken heart.

It's like since you left me, I've totally lost control of myself. I do things and not think of consequences anymore, I don't give half a shit about school or my finances or my health. I do what I want to do, and I don't care if anyone really cares about me. Cause all I needed in my life was you. I could give anything up for you, if you asked.

But that one mistake cost me everything. That one lapse in judgment made me into who I am today. It made my self-esteem decline into near oblivion, because I no longer know what I stand for and what I deem as important. I don't wanna work anymore, I just want to drink. I don't want to study anymore, I just want to party. I don't want to love anymore, I just want to get high and wasted on things that cost me money. I don't respect myself anymore, I just want to do things I enjoy doing.

Right now so many things are bugging me. Acads, money, you - so I try to run, and I end up creating more trouble for myself. I've been played by so many guys the past two weeks that I'm so numb to it. I've been spending so much money that I'm pretty much fucked till my pay comes in. I've been delaying on work that I know I'll die when tests and assignments are due.

It's sad, I know. But what can I do, when I can't let go?