Friends

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/losing-a-best-friend/

I don't know if it's more predominant in girls, or it's just me. Looking back at the friends I've had in my past - both the close and distant - makes me feel like I'm alone.

I scrolled through my contact list a while back, thinking of who besides Glenn and Dom I should ask out for supper. So many ppl went through my mind, but in the end, I didn't call anyone.

Like the article said, a sense of "awkwardness", "things will never be the same again", all hit me straight in the gut. Friends that were there for me when I was going through that phase, I can single one or two out who were genuinely there for me, but ever since I came back from Aus, I haven't contacted them, haven't spoken to them, and haven't cared about how their lives have been.

It's all going to end, soon.

I can risk losing a lot of things, but never my relationship, my family and my friends. Right now my relationship and my family are all good, but friends, let's just say there's a whole lot to mend.

Maybe giving up drinking narrowed my "friends list", but hey, it's how I really found out who were true and who weren't. And like Ming said, "All you really need are those ppl who never judge you for who you were and who you are." I don't need drinking partners, I need ppl who accompany me to anything, alcoholic and non-alcoholic activities.

I may not be the most interesting person in the world, and I will never be. When I'm out, I tend to be on the quiet side, except when drinking is involved. Things happened in my life that made me talk my emotions and problems out, but now that I'm happy, I find noone to share that happiness with, except Ming. I've had the pleasure of having so many ppl by my side when I was down, but now when I'm 'up', there's no one around.

Having friends is always a gift, never a given. It's how you treasure that gift, how you constantly feed it, and how you polish it - to a point where you know that even if you guys stop talking, you know they will always be there for you.

I looked back at a "relationship between" my friend and I a few days before on Facebook. How much things have changed. How awkward we are hanging around each other now. How I've heard story after story about how he/she talked about hanging out with me (not in a bad way, but just sharing experiences). I don't feel backstabbed, I just feel hurt, that ppl who I treasured never saw the way about me. I guess, that's when I backed off, and isolated myself from friends, even genuine ones.

Maybe it's because I have an intimacy issue. The moment someone tries to get close to me, I push him/her away, because I don't like ppl getting all up in my shit. Distance issues, I guess. I never liked BFFs or anything that close, perhaps because I never liked people coming to close to me. A defensive measure on my side, I presume.

But right now, it's time to look for those ppl who I've missed out on. NK, NR, CM, LT, SH and heaps more. Sydney can wait, Singapore is the now.

2012.

If this year was the end of the world - I'd be so sad, because now I have so many things to accomplish, so many things to do. My life has just begun.

It's still January of 2012, but I am so glad that last year has past, and this year, I can finally put many many MANY things behind me, and start again on a clean white slate. So many things have happened since my first visit to Sydney. I've since gone back once in end Aug, and Ming came over to Singapore in Dec and left in Jan.

I've stopped clubbing (in Singapore heh), and my grades have improved, although not to my mum's expectations. I'm getting As and Bs now, and hopefully I can keep that up and graduate asap, so I can start my new life abroad, far away from people who bring me down and make me feel like I don't belong.

Yet sometimes I don't wanna go - when I see those beautiful faces that have been with me through thick and thin, never judging me when I went down, and tried to help me get up again. Now that I'm back up, I'm a little sad to leave Singapore in <3 years, because this is where I grew up, where I had my memories, where I had my first love and heartbreak, where I made friends that I'd keep my whole life, where I lost, and found myself.

This is real late - but I reckon it is time to reflect (:

The 2011 Reflection :D

Glad to see 2011 go? :
Time to officially start things on a clean slate.

Age turned in 2011? :
20. Finally hit the big 2 hahaha

Did you change your hair in 2011? How?:
Nope, didn't do shit.

The best part of 2011? :
Meeting Ming, and finally falling head over heels in love again :P

The worst part of 2011? :
Being absolutely insane until I went to Australia - I betrayed myself and everyone close to me.

Who will you never forget (or at least try not to)? :
Those I've met in Sydney, I highly doubt I'll ever forget them.

Who did you wish you did not meet in 2011? :
Many, many, many people.

Did you have a partner in 2011? :
Yes, I found a pet koala and adopted it :D

Did you fall in love in 2011? :
I GOT FORCED INTO IT, PLEASE. Haha I fell in love with a koala-wombat mix.

Did you catch someone in a lie in 2011? :
Too many times.

Did you call them out? :
Yeah I did. This year I was heaps more confrontational.

Did you get caught in a lie? :
Tried not to lie, but obviously I reckon I did.

Funniest moment of 2011? :
Bob Marley sessions man, THE BEST.

Most embarrassing moment of 2011? :
Haha, TOO FUCKING MANY.

Did you take any vacations in 2011? Where? :
Melbourne, Sydney, Sydney, Batam, JB, Bahau, Bangkok, Samui, Krabi, Phuket. Most places I've ever been to in a year.

Any new hobbies of 2011? :
Keeping travel tickets and shit. HAHHAHA

Did you get a new job in 2011? :
Tried Attica in Oct.

Did you lose a job in 2011? :
Couldn't cope with the hours + schoolwork :/

Did you host a party in 2011? :
Yea I did, my 20th birthday at my place with the DN crew (:

Where did most of your money go in 2011? :
Travelling.. and others :D

What song will always remind you of 2011? :
I AM HERE TO WAKE YOU UP! TUUTUUTUUUUU (Hardstyle :D)

What do you wish you’d done more of? :
Kept my friendships close, but I reckon I have a problem with that.

What do you wish you’d done less of? :
Clubbing, drinking and doing things that I'd regret the rest of my life

Biggest achievement in 2011? :
I quit it all! (:

Biggest failure in 2011 :
Betraying myself and my morals.

In 2011, did you lie to miss a day of work / school? :
Every year the same answer will be YES.

Did you move in 2011? :
Nah, just found a new home in Sydney (:

Did you wish on a shooting star in 2011? :
Nah, none this year. Only those lanterns in Phuket.

What was your greatest musical discovery? :
HARDSTYLE BABY hahahahh

What was the best book you read? :
Didn't read books this year :P

What was your favourite movie of the year? :
Repo Man (Not sure when it came out but I watched it this year hahaha)

What did you want in 2011 and got?
Someone who loves me for who I am and didn't mind my past, and loves me wholeheartedly and can give up everything he has for me (:

What did you want in 2011 but didn’t get?
I wanted to be back with Bryan, and I didn't get that. But hey, God always has a plan for you.

Did you make-out in public in 2011? :
Yes, I reckon so. -.-

Who/What kept you sane? :
MINGAPORE.

Who did you miss? :
MINGAPORE :(

Who was the best new person you met?
MINGAPORE :'(

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
MONEY TO FLY/STUDY TO SYDNEY. :(

Did you drink too much in 2011? :
Yeh, in the beginning half of the year. After Sydney, I was like "Fuck that shit" lol

Your favorite commercial of 2011? :
ZILCH.

Something you couldn’t leave home without in 2011? :
Cigarettes, and I've learnt the importance of a LIGHTER.

How did you spend New Year’s 2011? :
Drinking with DN peeps at Muddys.

Valentines Day 2011? :
Honestly, I don't remember. I think it was with Bryan, but ah well.

Easter 2011? :
Didn't even remember lol.

Halloween 2011? :
Working at Attica (:

Thanksgiving 2011? :
I was either at Bangkok or at Samui hahaha

Christmas 2011? :
SAMUI! :D

Your birthday? :
Can't remember what happened in the day, but at night I went to ECP with Bryan and he lit me candles. Spent the night there.

How do you plan to usher in the new year?
(Already did) With Ming, and I did.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011 :
Never judge a book by its cover, never hang on to the past, know what is valuable to you and stick to that. Be confident in yourself (: