Last Post of 2010

Since the last post, things haven't been going well. Nonetheless, I can't wait to usher in a new year - new hopes, new dreams, new things.

I'm finally trying to quit smoking. I haven't been able to go completely cold turkey yet, but I'm trying my hardest to stop. I take about 2 a day from friends, and I've already stopped buying packs. It hasn't been easy, but I want to leave this whole cigarette thing behind me in the year 2010, because 2011's gonna be a new beginning for me.

I'm also gonna stop clubbing so often, probably about 2-4 times a month from now on, drinking as well. It's not good for my body, and it's not good for my wallet ($.$). I'm still not over that phase, but I guess it's good that I'm making a conscious decision to stop. I can't carry on like this for the rest of my life, and I won't (: So for the first part of 2011, I'm gonna work like a dog. Feels like I'm starting 2010 all over again when I just worked and worked all the way in January :D

The 2010 Reflection :D

Glad to see 2010 go? :
Yup! This year has been really eventful and memorable, to say the least.

Age turned in 2010? :
19!

Did you change your hair in 2010? How?:
Chopped it off when it was brown, dyed it full red, then dyed it black with orange highlights. Heehee :D

The best part of 2010? :
Knowing that love overcomes all.

The worst part of 2010? :
Handling the transition from a pious Christian to a wildchild. It wasn't easy.

Who will you never forget (or at least try not to)? :
All the people who've worked in DN, whether I've known that for a while, or I've known them since I started working (:

Who did you wish you did not meet in 2010? :
Every single person changed my life, regardless how messed up it became.

Did you have a partner in 2010? :
The most amazing person in the world.

Did you fall in love in 2010? :
I did - he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Did you catch someone in a lie in 2010? :
Haha, obviously.

Did you call them out? :
Maybe - I'd rather not be a tattletale.

Did you get caught in a lie? :
Yes.

Funniest moment of 2010? :
All the drunk shit that happened at nights out with Glenn and the DN people. The craziest shit happens :D

Most embarrassing moment of 2010? :
Aga's fucked up Dare Game. It's horrible.

Did you take any vacations in 2010? Where? :
Tioman with Bryan (:

Any new hobbies of 2010? :
I realised I like to collect foreign coins. HAHA! :D

Did you get a new job in 2010? :
I tried teaching. (:

Did you lose a job in 2010? :
I finished teaching. :D

Did you host a party in 2010? :
Don't think so. Maybe created an event, but didn't host a party.

Where did most of your money go in 2010? :
At least $2.3K went to church, after leaving most of it went to alcohol, clubbing and food.

What song will always remind you of 2010? :
The new DJ Earworm remix just came out - Don't Stop the Pop. So I guess that!

What do you wish you’d done more of? :
Worked more to earn more money.

What do you wish you’d done less of? :
Chillaxing during exam period :P

Biggest achievement in 2010? :
Got 4A2B for A Levels, graduated from SOT, went to WKW, and I haven't even gotten drunk before. :D

Biggest failure in 2010 :
Giving up on my relationship for someone else who wasn't worth an eyelash.

In 2010, did you lie to miss a day of work / school? :
In uni, nothing is compulsory. So I technically never lied.

Did you move in 2010? :
Nope (:

Did you wish on a shooting star in 2010? :
Could we pretend that airplanes in the nightsky are like shooting stars? HAHAHA

What was your greatest musical discovery? :
The teachings from Sherlyn. She really did help my voice to improve, just that I killed it with smokes.

What was the best book you read? :
Metamorphosis wasn't half bad.

What was your favourite movie of the year? :
Haha I watched significantly lesser, but I guess Rapunzel? I can't be too sure.

What did you want in 2010 and got?
I got a MacBook Pro (although it's on credit and I'm gonna have to pay it back). I wanted to go to SOT and I graduated. I wanted to go to uni and I did. I wanted to lose weight and I (seemingly) did :D It's been quite blessed.

What did you want in 2010 but didn’t get?
I wanted to be with someone else, but I didn't get that, and I thank God I didn't get what I want - cause I guess, I don't know what I want.

Did you make-out in public in 2010? :
Haha!

Who/What kept you sane? :
Who says I am? (:

Who did you miss? :
I do miss Wong, Char, Sihui and Roll. I still meet them, but not as often as before I suppose.

Who was the best new person you met?
He was the best - and the worst new person I've ever met.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'll never know (:

Did you drink too much in 2010? :
I realised my answer to this in 2009 was "Nope. Never did. (:". My answer to this in 2010 is "Yes. Too much. (:"

Your favorite commercial of 2010? :
I'm immune to commercials, like COCKROACHES.

Something you couldn’t leave home without in 2010? :
My cigarettes. But now I can.

How did you spend New Year’s 2010? :
In the city with Bryan. We just cruised on a bus after visiting Sentosa (:

Valentines Day 2010? :
Bryan was in camp I think. I think I was working. :P

Easter 2010? :
Church.

Halloween 2010? :
Penny Black before Rebel/Zirca. I met Jesus there. Haha!

Thanksgiving 2010? :
I don't celebrate Thanksgiving. (:

Christmas 2010? :
Bedridden with a fever.

Your birthday? :
In SOT with Team 18, before heading home to a surprise of Wong, Sihui, Linkai, Merrill and Roll at my house waiting to spring an attack on me. Then dinner at a Thai restaurant and Island Creamery with family, before heading down to Rebel with Ron, Jon, Shimin and Nikki. Haha, I remember.

How do you plan to usher in the new year?
With the people I treasure and love, and want to keep for the rest of my life.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010 :
Never be as crazy as I was when I was 19. Haha! And don't be naive as well. Take good care of your health, and live life happily without limits, except for the sake of the people whom you love and love you back. :D

Hell and Highwater

So, Christmas is here - which means the end of the year is approaching.

This year has been, to summarise in a word: conflicting. No matter how bad things may have went, and how messed up my life has been (and maybe still is haha), I must say that it's been a really good run. I've learnt so much this year, about life, love and living. Life and living are different - life is the way things run (semi-automatic), and living is the way you choose to run it (manual).

The beginning of the year started out great, hakuna matata. The cellgroup just multiplied under a new leader, we were getting adjusted to the changes, and my life was basically stable. Bryan and I were never so much more in love, having spent our 3rd year together, which is honestly quite a feat for couples our age, and I really love having someone who knows me inside out, and cares for me no matter what I chose.

I started working at DN in Dec. It was a totally new experience, I was exposed to beers, liquors, liquers, food and just so many things that were just eye-openers. I didn't even know what Grey Goose and Johnnie Walker were, honestly. I learnt so much from that place, and I met so many good friends who teach me things that I wouldn't have learnt if I wasn't there. Friends like Aga, Alli, Ron, Maur, Nikki, Shimin and many many others who have taught me so much in such a short time.

I also got back my A Level results in Feb/March. It was a really thrilling time for me, and I really thank God for that miracle. I could choose any course my heart desired, and I ended up in WKWSCI. I wouldn't choose any other course for the world.

In March I went to SOT. For 6 months we went through intensive bible training, I finally held the mike and sang in front of a large crowd for the first (few) time, I had tests and assignments to chiong through, and I can't thank God enough for the friends I met there. Also, for the friendships that were fortified in that span of time. Those 6 months were tough, balancing work, studies and my relationship, when SOT took up nearly 7 days a week, and I had to fund it myself. I am proud to say that I managed to. It wasn't easy, but I got through it, and that was amazing.

In August, university began. It wasn't bad, but I always knew that studying was never my forte, and never my preference. I made a bunch of good friends, and here's hoping that in the next 3.5 years, we'll be even closer and better than where we are now (: I graduated from SOT in August as well, and at that point in time, my life was already going downhill. It was a difficult transition for me, handling so many things at one go and managing that internal conflict. I kept clinging onto hope that things might go up, and it did when I left. I felt free, and I felt that I didn't have to account to anyone anymore, because all my life, I've been doing that and it felt good to not have to always live up to expectations.

I started to try things (both legal and illegal). It was amazing to try what I've been restricted my whole life. Although, I know that this is just a phase, and my life won't revolve around it in the future. Nonetheless, it's good to try it at least once in your life. Then you won't ever wonder what it's like.

October was a heavy month for me. I did something so bad and so unforgivable. I wouldn't say I didn't enjoy it, but the consequences were not something I could handle. I was happy, but I knew that I couldn't be happy in the long term. Bryan and I broke up twice, and got back together again. Before the end of the year and the start of a new one, I want to get my direction back. What I want, what I need, what I know is good for me. Bryan's the one I know will give me that happiness, and I am willing to do anything to make it up to him - to make sure he knows that I love him.

Well, in 2010, I've been through hell and high water - nothing can touch me now.

Hehe

You are the best thing that I could ever deserve.

Thank you

Thank you for saving me last night. It was a pretty harrowing experience, but I guess that taught me a lesson in clubbing.

What are the chances that he was dragging me somewhere, and on the way out I'd bump into you, right when you were about to hit the dance floor? What were the chances that he wanted to leave at that exact moment, and you were about to enter at that moment? God knows what would have happened to me if I didn't see you from the corner of my eye and latched onto your arm.

At that moment it didn't occur to me what could have happened. But now that I've sobered up, I realised what danger I could have been in. Thank God nothing happened, otherwise, I wouldn't be able to live it up.

I made promises to you, and I'm intending on keeping them. You know how promises are to me, I treat them like the most important things in my life, and I promise that I'll keep what I said to you.

Thank you - and I'm expecting a reply at 21 00 (:

Should I go for Christmas this year?

Since 2006 I haven't missed a single Christmas celebration in church.

This year, things have changed.

But once again, change is subjective. Everyone changes, whether they be drastic or subtle. Some just change more than others.

My belief that God exists hasn't left me, but my belief that the human race still has hope of redemption is long gone. We're so fucked up, we don't deserve it. But He gives it to us anyway, whether we want to or not. Then we choose whether we wanna accept it or not. But then again, we're not perfect, so we abuse that Grace given. Then, what's the use of all that theology when ppl can't just find it in them to start making things better. So I decided to go and find and test myself, and when I'm done trying, I'll see where that leads me to.

Annual traditions nearing the end of the year - spending Christmas in church with the cellgroup, the last day of the year with them at Sentosa before spending the rest of the countdown with Bryan, the first day of the new year at home, and the second day of the new year celebrating our anniversary.

2010/11 - they're all gone. By my own hands. Not by anyone else's. No one left me, I stepped out and away.

I made a whole plethora of bad decisions this year. Many of which I regret, but there's no use dwelling on them, because every bad decision leads to a lesson learnt. Then you move on.

I tried so many things this year. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other, without stopping to 'balance' things out. They just all went out of hand, all out of my own hands.

(This blog entry is sort of like a 'blaming ritual' for me. Today, I'm feeling particularly introspective.)

So many ppl have tried to help me get through transitions, get through bad decisions - but I either ignored them, or tried to reconcile logic with feeling, but feeling always overwhelms me.

Do you remember a time when the truth ran free

Birth of a song, death of a dream

Closer to the edge

I spent the last few days in hall, bunking over at Charlene's cause of 9am papers. One night, I actually spoke to God again, after such a long long time. I just cried like a baby, and no advice was given. I don't blame Him - it's not like I would have listened.

How the idea of fun corroded life to such an extent, I will never figure out. What I gotta figure out is how to get my life back on track, once I've finished having my fun.

One day, I'll grow sick and tired of everything. And the old Nal will be back - changed, more mature, and more learned to the things around her. One day, I promise.

Christmas Wishlist

Finally, I have a Christmas wishlist. I've never been one to come up with one, or even think of one, but somehow this year it just feels like I want more stuff :/

1. Canon Digi Cam

I have no clue what model this is, but it looks like this:

Not the girl, the CAMERA :D

P.S This is my friend Maureen, she is awesome, and single (HAHAHHA!). I don't know if she's comfortable with me using her photo on my blog hehe :D LOVE YOU BABE!

And, the pictures come out like this:

This is the compressed one on Facebook. Can you imagine the real ones? Lord, I'm always in amazement at her camera photos (:

I forgot to ask the camera model from her. But, she told me it costs $600-700. Yikes.

2. Headphones

I spotted these at the Apple Store. The specs are good, and they look NICE :D

Okay. This isn't the actual one.

I can't remember the model, or even find it on the internet. But, I do remember they cost exactly $248 (you can get it cheaper at Sim Lim Square) and they have one model which is so shiny, it acts as a mirror. Or a deflector under the sun. Whichever you prefer.

Specs are 18 - 22,000 Hz, which is way above and below the human hearing range. Which means it's kickass. :D

I'm kinda sick of the plain white iPhone earplugs, and they tend to give me a headache. Plus, sometimes the beats of the song get lost under crappy earphones, because the normal human hearing range is 20Hz - 20kHz, so those that are above 20Hz and below 20kHz seriously undermine the ingenuity of certain songs which are meant to be heard in their full glory. With good headphones, I'll be able to catch pitch more awesomely and be a DJ! :D :D :D Gimme those headphones and I'm off to be the next Tiesto (:

3. Eyeshadow Palette

I like brown shades, and I like shimmery eyeshadows, not plain and smack-on boring eyeshadow types.

No need for a whole palette, I've used them my whole life and honestly, there's no need for so many colours. Most of them get thrown out after 2 years (haha yea, I keep my makeup for more than 2 years actually :P) which is quite a big waste of space and money.

Black would be nice too. I already have matt black and white eyeshadows, but I think brown would be waaaay better (: Anna Sui, Red Earth, Maybelline etc, anything - as long as the colour comes off nice :D

4. Primer

Primer is so awesome cause your eyeshadow colour comes off exactly the way you want it. I heard there's some good ones at Makeup Store and stuff, but I haven't had the time (or money) to go down and take a look. Sigh, life of a penniless peasant.

5. WARDROBE MAKEOVERRRRR

My style has changed since I was 13, mummy. Time to throw out my entire collection and buy more clothes which are my style! :D

6. MORE FLATS!

I have too many heels that I don't wear cause I'm lazy. And cause I don't have enough friends who drive, so wearing heels makes it painful to go home by public transport/standing to get a cab. But, I have really big feet, so finding shoes that I like, fit me and cost reasonable is a real pain. Also, time to throw out shoes that I don't wear anymore. I could hold an auction. HAHAHA!

7. Books

Yes I know right, what does Nal need books for - to burn? I actually READ okay, contrary to popular belief. I love classics, because I believe that classics are classics for a reason. Right now I'm looking into collections of books, and I've set my sights on a few.

(a) The Chronicles of Narnia

(b) Harry Potter

(c) Twilight

(d) Shakespeare

(e) Jodi Picoult books

(f) The Lost Symbol

(g) The Inheritance Cycle (Eragon, Eldest and Brisingr)

8. MORE MONEY

DUH.

9. New phone!

I'm actually looking at the iPhone 4 right now, cause my plan expires right after my exams. But, the iPhone 5 is coming out next year, and I'm thinking whether to withhold my desire for an iPhone now, or tarry till a better one comes out next year? Hmm, need to question my Magic 8 Ball.

10. Keyboard Protector & Screen Protector

Before my MacBook Pro succumbs to anymore damage caused by my rough handling. Mine's a 13" btw, if you're really thinking of getting one for me. HAHA!

And that's the 10 things I want for 2010! I could get some myself, but presents are duly invited (: HAHAHHA BYE CHICAS! :D

Studying

At this point in time, I'm really grateful to studying.

Last week, I couldn't muster the strength or the willpower to sit down and begin to mug. But when I started this week, I couldn't stop.

Maybe it's cause it takes my mind away from things not to be thought of, it takes my mind away from imagining an alternate realm where I can go into and create my own scenarios, before plunging back into reality and dealing with real issues and real situations and relationships which are not complicated by logic, but complicated by feeling.

Studying has sort of - dare I say, straightened my thoughts out. I may not be completely straight yet, but I sure ain't twisted as I was a week ago.

The notes and books and whatnot are hard to cram and memorise, especially when I've been skipping lectures since week... three? :D It's a lot of common sense, which makes it hard to study because you think you already know what you know, when actually you have no clue how to verbalise and write it down in concrete words.

Yes, uni is different from JC. But thank God it isn't a one-off exam that I have to mug for, most of my results are already handed to me on a silver platter (through graded assignments). I'm not even aiming for second class honors, so this is quite... alright for me. (: The stress is mainly coming from my peers, who are all so GODDAMN HARDCORE MUGGERS ALL AIMING FOR FIRST CLASS HONORS WTF (Haha if any of you are reading this, don't be insulted kaaayyyy ya'll know how I talk one hehex)! I'm damn lepak compared to them, but I sure ain't slack enough to NOT even study, I give myself that. *pats back*

When exams end on the 20th, I'm gonna go straight back into work. I like working. It's nice to interact with ppl every day, rather than sitting in front of a laptop, study notes, get distracted by youtube, facebook, perezhilton, clicknetwork and the random blogs. Plus, I'm not tired enough to sleep, but I'm too tired to cram any more info into my cranium. So it's like - horrid.

A random thing that popped up recently was my school fees. Apparently, they didn't receive my application to pay my school fees via my mum's CPF in Sem 1. So technically, I'm screwed. But after Wednesday's paper I'm heading straight down to Tampines to deal with the matter. Otherwise, I won't be able to view my exam results and apply for next sem's mods - which is fucked up. Plus, I don't have enough cash to pay for my first sem's tuition fees, $3000++ - where the hell am I gonna get all that money? So yea, it's sort of like, a fucked up December for me.

Nonetheless, studying has made me emotionally numb. And kinda depressed. Imagine, hearing "Imagine" and "Hey Jude" for a week planted this epic fairytale in my mind where everything is peachy and happy, and the world is at peace with each other. Watching "Rapunzel" didn't help too. It was a nice show, and it made me happy like a bunny on weed for 4 hours, giggling and singing songs while walking around Marina Square (okay more like an idiot) - it made me feel like a little girl again, when I didn't do shit and didn't know shit (:

But we all know, reality bites. We all grow up, and experience different things that make us stop believing that the world is beautiful. We all wish it were, but it's not. Totally not.

I shall end my blogpost before I start a thesis on "Why the World Sucks, Hardcore".

To NTU Students:
HAPPY MUGGING! EXAMS ARE ENDING SOOOONN, THEN IT'S CHRISTMAS!!! :D
*Jingle bells, batman smells, robin laid an egggggggg*

Happy 11th December everyone! :D :D :D

You Don't Get Another Chance, Life Is No Nintendo Game

To You:

Thank you for being so forgiving despite all that I've said and done. Right now, there's a mixture of guilt, inferiority and sure uncertainness in my actions and thoughts. I realise that I'm still the same person inside - just that now my insecurities surface when problems arise. Maybe it was a desire to feel loved, a desire to feel wanted for who I am and not how I look. Not that you ever cared about my appearance, but the secrets that we kept to ourselves was too much for me to take. It came to a stage when I felt used, no longer loved because you didn't have the same amount of time to reassure me like you used to. As someone else crept into my life, I instinctively gave myself away because I felt that this someone would treat me the same way you did. Then, I chose to break myself away from you, in hopes that I'd be happier with someone else and be free from all constraints - free to do whatever I wanted.

Now, I realise that that person is one hell of a jackass. He wasn't the main reason why I broke up with you, although he had a major part to play.

You want us to be back together, but I can't let go of the freedom that I've gained and experienced. It's an either-or option, and I'm afraid I'll hurt you again because my desires get in the way of protecting our feelings. Please give me some time, and I promise I'll think about it - when my exams are over.

For now, thank you for accompanying me the past few days while I heal from a hurt. Thank you for your never-changing attitude and love towards me, despite what I've done. I appreciate you so much.

Vulgar Language Ahead, Beware.

You said that you really liked me a lot, but because of the way I handled the situation back then, it showed a lot about me.

True, it shows how much of a douche I am, and how I can't make my mind up decisively. But unlike you, I have much to think about. Like a 4 year relationship on the rocks, and a seemingly blossoming romance on the side. Dealing with the pros and cons ain't all that simple. True, I was afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, and handling problems that have been brushed under the carpet because I was just too used to being treated like that. You took one year to get over a one and a half year relationship, what makes you think a four year relationship is just as easy to get over? Plus, your wavering concern plunged me in doubt. One moment you seemed to be really concerned, the next you were telling me to settle my own shit and you were just too busy to give a damn about my life. Because SC2 is way more important than human feelings and relations.

But no, you wouldn't hear shit from me. To you, it was all just excuses and emotional vulnerability.

Well, I finally made up my mind. The least you could have done was NOT to lead me on. To enamour me with false promises like "always being there for me" and statements like "Yes, I do like you". Well, you forgot the second half - "Yes I do like you, as much as I like all the other girls out there, cause I like girls easily."

You still do owe me some things - money and an IOU. Money, I'm gonna ask you when I see you again. The IOU - I don't need or want it anymore. You can fucking have it back.

I put you above all my studies, thinking of you every damn night and wondering what would have happened if I made up my mind earlier. You were right - I wouldn't be happy with you, because now I know how you think, and how your character is like.

Thank you for the memories, but fuck you for all your goddamn lies.

Priorities

I put you above everything, and I thought you felt the same, just that you didn't know how to reciprocate. Then I found out that you did know how to, you just didn't want to.

I put you as my priority, and you took me as an option.

"If I feel like replying you, then I'll reply you", he says. "You can send me a message. If it imposes on me, then I'll not reply, it's as simple as that."

Well, I have two words for you:

FUCK OFF.

I don't see why I bother myself with such a person anymore. I thought you were someone else, but clearly you weren't. I thought you were different, and yes you are, different in a bad way. Looks like what everyone said was true, I was just too fucking smitten with you and the belief that we'd be the same as before, that we'd be as happy as we were in that one week. That you genuinely cared for me, but actually all this time, I was just being played by you.

You didn't have to tell me you like me to give me that false hope, so that I fucking justify every goddamn action you did or didn't do. I was just one of the many other girls who fell for it.

God, I'm so pissed off right now.

:D

I'm happier now.

I may not have someone who loves me and would be willing to die for me and all, but at least I know that there are no strings attached and anything can happen the way I want it to happen. Not to say that love isn't fantastic and everything, but at the moment, love isn't in my list.

Went out on Wed with a few DN staff, ex-staff and customer (haha I know right). We had a blast, and for the first time I managed to see Wilson get drunk before me heehee. I feel really fortunate to have known all these fantastic people, because honestly, I would be a very different person without them.

Also had a good talk with Wilson, Nikki, Alvin and Omar separately. They all had different advice for me and different methods of handling things, but I know one thing for sure - they all had my interests at heart. It's not often you find a group of friends who know what you're going through, and are willing to allow you to screw up (against their advice) but still always be there for you. One said: "If you really like someone, go for it. From an outsider's point of view, it may not be the best thing you'd like your friend to go through, and most of the time, their predictions will come true. But if you're happy now, just be happy, don't care what people say. What matters is that you know what you want right here right now, and if you're gonna be happy, then go the fuck ahead." And this was spoken in a drunken stupor, can you imagine.

I'm happy now, going out every day to get laptop accessories. I haven't bought anything yet, but I've learnt alot abt laptop specs and geeky stuff that I never ever knew before. Thank you (:

I snatched these quotes from Nikki's Facebook cause they're really kickass.

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future."

"I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently."
"And I can't give you that. Nobody can."

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

I'm learning, but getting there.

Dialogue

Thank you to friends who've been texting/calling/facebooking me to ask whether I'm alright.

I'm alright, really really. I haven't been single for the last 4 years, so obviously I'm gonna need some time to get used and adjust to being an unattached 19 year old girl.

In all honesty, it feels good to be single. When I told Bryan about my "adventures", I felt so freed up, and I didn't feel a need to keep any secrets from him. There was no commitment, no need to justify my actions or even lie. This was the most honest I've been to him in the last couple months, so yea, it felt good.

Exams are coming soon, and I'm feeling quite calm about it (which is NOT a good sign). I keep feeling like I'll smoke through this like I did A Levels, but we all know that's not possible because my A's were freak results and only a miracle could have produced those. Kinda screwed up my 201 already, but well, I'm not aiming for 1st class honors or even 2nd class honors - I just wanna graduate and leave NTU and get a job and live a life. The smarter you are, the more ppl will depend on you for solutions and their own paycheck - and we all know what happens when we help other ppl, you get screwed over.

Brother's wedding is over, it was fun getting him to drink those sick concoctions of orange juice/coke/tea, pepper, thick chili sauce, vinegar, soy sauce and mango pudding. Felt kinda bad in case the concoctions would dampen the couple's night activity, but it was fun while it lasted. According to the happy couple, it didn't taste that bad. FAIL.

It's so weird how all of them look like tomyum with tofu when it's actually mango pudding in weird shit.

An uber thanks to Jeremy Ko for sending me to Holland Ave en route to his friend's house so I could catch a cab more easily to the Marriott Hotel. I missed the morning festivities because of 201 midterms (can you believe it! my own brother's wedding and leave not granted wtfbbq). I got scammed of $75 because the hair and makeup stylist did an ugh job of my hair. Nonetheless, the food was awesome and I ate like a pig. EAT EAT EAT.

Bryan came back that very same night the wedding ended. We hung out with each other the next day and caught Megamind.

We already wanted to watch it before Bryan left for Taiwan. I was laughing throughout the entire movie, seriously. It's not memorable, but it sure was a good $7.50 spent.

At night we walked home, and I guess that's where the breakup happened. We talked and resolved, so it was all good. Yup.

Gawd I really hate studying, makes me feel tired, gives me a headache and there're just so many words. Blaaaah. Kinda like running. Okay I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just eggggggggcited for the week!

Wed - End sch at 4, work till 11, then party!

Thurs - End sch at 1, then a paid survey from 2 to 4pm.

Fri - End sch at 1, work till 11, and PARTY SOMEMORE wootwoot!

Sat - Penny Black with my mum and aunty and grandma. WARM CHOCOLATE PUDDING love! Then I'm heading down to Ion/Wheelock to check out some Apple stuff (:

Hopefully I'll get at least half of the studying done by this week. Otherwise...

I can hug my laptop with me to my deathbed.

And for tradition's sake, cause I've been embedding emo-as-hell songs on my blog, why not just one more! :D

Today has been by far one of my happier days (:

It was only just a dream

The old adage goes:

"It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

I hate that phrase.

When you never love, you never fill that emptiness. You'll never experience what it's like to be filled with an emotion that turns you topsy-turvy, carries you to new heights of ecstasy, brings you to a mountain where clouds fill the bluest sky you can ever imagine. And you'll never pine for that experience again.

When you love and lose, the resulting emptiness is accompanied by nothing but pain. You'll never reach that mountain again. And knowing you'll never reach that mountain makes you lose faith, hope and love - for yourself, for others.

I would rather never have loved at all.

I did so many wrong things. So many that you don't recognize me anymore - I don't recognize myself anymore.

While I was with you, I was thinking of someone else. My heart was overtaken by someone who didn't love me as much as you did. Maybe it's complacency, maybe it's just a breath of fresh air, only time will tell. When you said "I love you", I didn't respond. I didn't know how to - because I don't know whether I'd be telling a lie, and the last thing I wanted to do before you left was lie to you.

You don't know how sorry I am for being such a bitch, for being a player, a liar and a cheater. It was never your fault, I just lost myself, and I lost you along the way.

I say with all my heart that I loved you. You never gave me a reason not to. You understood what it meant when you love someone, you have to let them go. You cut me free, and I appreciate that. I was never a believer of fate - but if fate wills us, we'll be together again. This sounds all juvenile and fantasy, but I can't be sure of what happens next. All I know now is that no one will ever love me that way you did, and even if they did, they'd have big shoes to fill.

Reading your fb wall posts, I thank God you have such awesome friends. They will be there for you the same way I was there for you - to make you laugh, to cheer you up when you feel sad. You're an awesome man, you deserve only the best, and the best isn't me.

I regret having my heart and mind overtaken. But this only shows the strength of my character, which isn't very strong at all. You'll move on, I promise, to someone who will never hurt you the way I did, to someone who will love you more than I did. I promise.

This is it

So, this is it.

We had a good (almost) 4 years together, and now we have nothing but memories to live by. I thank you for everything you've given me and everything you've taught me. We didn't break up because of an argument, or because we can't stand each other anymore - we separated because we both knew it was the right thing to do.

Thank you for spending this one last day as a boyfriend with me. I really treasure whatever you've done and given. Your stuff - well, let's just say I can't bear to throw them away or return them back to you yet. They've been with me for so long, it's as if they're already mine. It's as if you're still mine, and I'm still yours. But we both know that's no longer the case. It's a matter of getting used to, and sometimes, when you're so used to something, you're numb about your feelings towards it, that you don't even know how you actually feel towards it anymore.

I still love whatever we had, I still hold on to our beautiful memories. But for now, this is goodbye. We'll still see each other, somehow, for lunch, dinner or just a movie, because you'll always be a part of me that will never go away, you shaped me.

You're the best boyfriend, and any girl will be lucky to have you. It was just your bad luck to have met me, someone who can't treasure what she has.

Bye.

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hold on, don't be scared.

I need you to show me what this song says, cause I can't seem to understand what it's telling me.

Today

Today, I cried while thinking of you.

I miss you so much, so much that I'm hurting, knowing that you're completely out of my reach - knowing that you probably don't ever want to see me every again. So much that you're even willing to quit your job if rumors get spread around too much.

I'm so scared now. One moment I feel like I'm in a stable relationship, the next moment, a question pops up in my head and you refuse to answer it. You escape and you don't answer, knowing that you're 1909 miles away from me and you can take your time to think up of one. It scares me to think that you're hiding as many things from me as I do from you.

I can't handle the pressure. I can't handle the jealousy or the extra stress that's being put onto me.

I'm being so honest here because I don't know where else to turn to.

When I tell others about what's happening, I put up a strong front. Like everything's okay and I'm thinking rationally like a mature adult. But behind that strong persona, I'm still a little girl. I want to be assured, to be safe in someone's arms.

I want to decide but it's really hard, because I don't have all the pieces I need for the puzzle. I'm so scared because I don't have the ability to see the big picture, regardless how far I step away from the situation.

I don't know who to lose now.

You say good morning, and good evening
The day is done, and you've come to find
The words are fleeting, I hear your quiet breathing
Is something wrong?

You come on two knees, with more than two needs
Finding that it's all too easy
To be helped and found
You slept and he said

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home

Daylight's coming, the sun is blazing
New beginnings seep into you
But in the end it's distant shadows
That finally overwhelm your senses
And this time around
Is it love that you crown?
And this time around
You'll be more than who you are

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home

Could you find yourself a way back home?

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home


So beautiful.

Brokenhearted

I finally spoke to you for the first time today.

Although, it was nothing personal. Work is work.

I may be thinking too much, as if I am the centre of your universe and nothing else - but pls stop putting misleading statuses on Facebook. It makes me wonder whether we still have a chance, which I'm not even sure I want or not.

I'm still so confused about everything.

It's complicated when feelings are involved. That's because feelings screw up our logic, and we succumb to what we feel, even when we don't really do. And if we do, it defies all logic. So, what makes sense - logic or feelings? Which screws us up all the more?

I wish something would just hit me, so I can stop thinking about all this.

Yea, it's plain to see

That baby you're beautiful

And there's nothing wrong with you

It's me, I'm a freak

But thanks for lovin' me

Cause you're doing it perfectly.

Awkward

I don't know how I can handle being with you, in the same place, at the same time. Sure, work is work, but then again, I tend to allow my emotions to get a hold of me. Like today - man, it was awkward (at least for me). I know you totally didn't feel shit, and that's the way it's supposed to be, especially since we're in the same environment, standing right next to each other, or right in front of each other. My gawd. I honestly didn't even dare to walk in and make my milk tea.

Since Halloween there's been nothing from you. Not even a text, an email or a call. I feel so left behind. But whenever I feel like calling you, I think of what the old Nal would do - just wait.

So I'm left waiting.

And I'm left missing.

I wonder if you know.

Seeing your fb status, I really wonder if it's about me. I wish they were, but the things I've heard from others make me think otherwise. I'm really tired of waiting for "the right time", because how the hell do we know when "the right time" is?

We never do.

If it isn't about me, then go ahead and move on. I was never actually in the picture anyway. I could never be, because the reason is clear-cut - I don't love myself and I don't care about my own happiness. Don't keep me waiting for something that doesn't actually concern me and my life. Whatever you're waiting for, it may come soon, by the end of the month. Now, I want to focus on making myself happy, whatever it takes.

I don't even know how to break this to you.

Insomnia

I can't sleep at all, haven't slept well the past few weeks thinking of stuff, resulting in awesomely large eye bags and dark eye circles.

I even look older now (according to Glenn) cause I seem so jaded.

I can't sleep thinking of whatever happened, and wishing you were lying right beside me watching at me sleep, wishing you to be here so that I can talk to you if I can't fall asleep and vice versa, to hear you snore (even if it keeps me awake).

When I saw that msg, my heart literally stopped and I immediately felt like puking.

It hurt me like fuck. Seriously. This screwed up feeling where your heart aches and you feel like you've been stabbed continuously for ten billion times and the open wound is just left to mould and rot.

Gawd, I think of you every single day. Whenever I get a phone call or a text I pray and hope that it's you, even if it's to tell me to get lost and fuck off. But it never is.

I've given up on praying, hoping, and having faith, because they all seem so useless now. "Just like the lady with the magic ball, 50-50".

For the first time, I'm trying my hardest to tell you something, and you're running away. You didn't even turn your back, you just fucking ran. If I chase, you're just gonna catch the plane and fly off to somewhere where I'll never get to see you again, and I don't want that.

I've gotta settle my issues first before implicating you. I wanna tell you my 'grand master plan' but you're just too pissed off to give a shit. Guess you're jaded from counseling and advising me so profusely when I wanted to hear but didn't bother to listen. It's alright, and I understand.

So, I'm letting you go - because I don't want to let you go.

Truth Be Told

Dinner with Glenn was surprisingly revelational (Haha Glenn I bet you're reading this and going :D :D :D).

Initially, I thought what I did would hurt only one person.

Then, I thought that instead of hurting that person, I hurt the other two instead.

Now I realise that all 3 are fucked.

Glenn's right. I have to make a choice. Now, I'm just making people (including myself) miserable with my double-mindedness and inability to make choices because I'm scared.

I'm scared I make the wrong choice, I'm scared of leaving things behind and moving forward, I'm scared of change.

I'm not happy, but in that process of finding happiness - I screw other people up as well. Which makes me not only a retard and an idiot, but a mofo too.

Basically, I just epitomised stupidity and numbness.

I've gotta think things through clearly, and Glenn, thanks for telling me things that really helped.

Sometimes the pros and cons can be weighed out, but to what extent of judgment can you weigh them out? And how do you know which pro outweighs which con? What if there are 10 cons and 1 pro? Does that necessarily mean you should follow through?

Help me. I don't want to lose you.

Strip it all away
I'll be alright
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me

LOL

The funniest MV I watched so far this week is Nelly's "Hot in Herre" (I was just youtubing MVs for my 'childhood' hits :D).

Towards the end of the video, the roof catches fire (duh right, cause it's 'hot in herre' -.-), the DJ stops playing and he's like "HEY HOLD UP, THE ROOF.. THE ROOF.. THE ROOF IS ON FIRE."

The crowd looks and him, and goes:

"THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! WE DON'T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHER----ER BURN! BURN MOTHER----ER, BURN!"

I literally LOLed.

Just thought you'd like to know.

You're In Ruins

Like you said, I have the answers right in front of me, on a computer screen.

I just have to click "yes" or "no".

But I keep moving my mouse cursor around in circles. I can't make up my mind, even though I know the consequences, even though I know what's going wrong.

I just can't decide.

I just can't say no.

I've been using the excuse "it's in my character" for too fucking long. Even if it really is in my character, my character can change, and it has. Maybe, just maybe, the old Nal is just waiting to burst out like a fairy princess, to sprinkle magical dust over everything - and everything will be back to normal. But we all know - fairy princesses don't exist, monsters do.

You make sense, you really do.

Let me tell you something, I'll do anything for the one I love. I'll quit anything and everything, just to make that person happy. A person cannot motivate me to stop, the love a person has for me motivates me to at least try.

I wanna be the perfect person for you. But I've already made mistakes that I can't rectify. When I say I want to try everything otherwise I'll regret it later in life - you come around and hit me hard on the head with a hammer to wake me up. It's not like I didn't know earlier, I just forgot that sometimes, when ONE mistake is made, your life is gone.

Trying to cross a traffic light when it's red - you may regret if you don't ever do it in your life. But that small trial could result in your death.

Trying smoking - you may regret if you never tried. But that one time could get you hooked, and before you know it, lung cancer. Then, it's time to regret when you realize what else you could have done with your money, time and your life.

I understand, I do. Now I just gotta decide.

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

School Scmool

Recess week is ending, and I haven't gotten down to my assignments yet. COM203 and HL101 - why must you torture me, why.

There's also a COM203 quiz next Friday (which I'm so dead for cause I skipped 1001 lectures on that module - I know, not the smartest thing to do).

I've been working every single day this week, and I'm really happy with where I am now. More emotionally controlled, less retarded in my thinking, and less emo. I enjoy cashiering alot (cause I don't need to take as much shit from customers), but at the end of every night there's just so much money and credit card bills to settle and account for. It's taxing.

Nonetheless, when it's time to leave DN, I think it'll be really hard for me to. I really love it there, but as time goes, I'll have to move on as well. If I'm able to get 3 to 4 tuition kids by next sem, I'll leave DN, most likely for good.

Right now I'd rather not think about relationships. I don't want to give people trouble, and the only person I want to hurt and give trouble to is myself. I care for people too much, I know, but this is just part of who I am.

Like I said, life already sucks, why fuck it up for others as well?

Heartless

Maybe it's cause I've been away from you for too long, and I've numbed the feeling of missing you. I've locked myself up cause I don't want to feel anything, and I've turned into this emotionless creature with a default happy face (hence the nickname "Smiley"). I do what I do so I can occupy myself while you're away, and when I keep doing what I keep doing, it becomes a lifestyle, a habit, something that I can't get rid of.

Now that it's all walled up, when it's time for me to take it out, I just can't.

I've grown used and accustomed to leading a psuedo-single life, such that when I have to make time for you, I can't handle it.

It's not like we haven't been through this before. But this is much worse. Much much worse. It doesn't help that I'm swarmed with shit the whole day and with no one to express it to or text, such that I bottle everything up and when it's time for me to talk, my character tells me to forget about it cause what's passed is past.

I'm fed-up and tired.

To quote a friend:

"It's just damn tiring to wear on a smile to everyone sometimes."

It's hard to pretend that everything's okay.

If it's love,

We are young
We are strong

We're not looking for where we belong

We're not cool

We are free

And we're running with blood on our knees

This past week has been absolutely torturous for me. Being deceived and having to pay the consequences for a bad judgment of character wasn't worth it.

I've learnt my lesson, and right now I'm trying to do damage control. Picking up the pieces and moving on. Like an overused analogy: After a glass shatters, even if you piece the pieces back together, it'll never be the same piece of glass again.

Because of what happened, I'm behind on my schoolwork. I don't have the effort and the energy to bring myself to sit down and concentrate, because countless images just come flooding back. Nonetheless, we all gotta move on, and the solution is not to mope about how stupid I was, and how I let it come to such a stage. I have assignments and midterms coming next week, and after that will be recess week. I'll work that entire week to clear my head, to make sure that my "awakening" is solidified.

After talking to a whole shitload of people and drawing out my own conclusions based on answers to questions I personally asked, I can't redeem what I did, and I can't make up excuses for whatever happened. No matter how jaded I am, no matter how tired I am of being asked what happened, I just hope that noone I love will ever go through this. This is gonna be a mark on me, and this is gonna be testament to good life screwed up by one's own hands.

I have honest feelings. I love wholeheartedly. In a span of a week, I witnessed both the ugly and deceptive side of love/lust, and the true manifestation of agape. Love I don't deserve. Love that I want to hold on to for the rest of my life. Love that I once thought could never exist in people. It gives me hope that I was scared of, and still am. But it shows me wonders.

Rock Bottom

A few years back, I thought hitting rock bottom was breaking up with Bryan.

A few months ago, I thought hitting rock bottom was picking up vices and leading a double life.

Last night, I found out rock bottom was way lower.

Maturity

As you grow older, your eyes are opened to so much more, life deals different things to you.

You have to learn, you have to grasp and you have to execute.

Even if you can't, you gotta take it with a great attitude. That comes with maturity and a sense of knowing that the world doesn't revolve around you. That being said, your own world doesn't revolve solely around you either.

Working and living for yourself does make sense, but not all the time. People around you need help too, and when they cry out, you gotta decide to step out of your bubble and tread into their world. It isn't easy, but it's just part of life. You can decide not to, but then, you're just gonna watch as they fuck up their own lives.

But, how much can you live for yourself and others? Either extreme, and you've got nothing but a dead end.

Can anyone see me down here

It's been more than a week since I last posted. This week hasn't been good for me.

I missed the one and only call from Bryan in Brunei (he's having a tough time there, and I really feel damn useless for doing nothing here in Sg), my laptop started whirring on me and spoilt (apparently there was a HD failure), so all my lecture notes and slides and everything are just gone. It's not so bad for most of my mods, cause my lecturers upload everything online. But -Cherian George doesn't.

I fell down today in Parkway, smashed my Koi and drowned my iPhone in it. My phone was in a plastic bag and the Koi started dripping its way into the plastic bag. By the time I realized, my entire phone was submerged in bubble tea, so I ran to Juzz1 and a repairman was there. He took my phone away and now I'm phoneless for the next two days, not to mention I have to pay at least $50 for repair and diagnostics, and up to $200 for replacement of parts.

I'm superbly broke now. And it's barely near payday.

I'm so so so worried about so many things. Honestly, everything just doesn't seem to be going well now. There are tons of assignments to be handed in, crap to be researched on, readings to catch up on, and dear god, not to mention my phone is down. I need to buy my attire for F1, hand in my rebate form and settle hall stuff.

I really need a mental break, which I don't know why, hasn't came to me since.. ever. A Levels, work, SOT, uni. On and on and on.

Haha yes

I smile less now (:

No use smiling when there's little reason for you to.

With the backlog of tutorials, the catching up of lectures (which I missed cause of bidding weeks - omg biz law I'm damn scared), worries about money, work schedules to work out amidst studying, stupid notes which are so hard to print when you don't have a printer at home, a constant biopsychosociospiritual tug-of-war between religion and trying to live a life outside which can be contradictory, and above all, not having your bf to listen to your problems, which is chicken soup for my soul.

Sometimes I wish my life had headed for a different direction. Getting rid of any one component (except bf) would make it alot less complicated.

I've lost hope.

cause the hardest part of this is leaving you

I visited my grandma in the hospital today. She's fine, just had a minor op to remove some gallstones from her body.

Next to her bed, an elderly woman was screaming. They were helping her with medication (couldn't see cause the curtains were drawn), and she had her daughter by her side. She was screaming (in chinese) that she wanted to go home, and whenever the nurses did something, she kept brawling for help. She yelled and struggled - and in that experience something hit me hard in my heartstrings.

I sat there, next to my grandma. This was the first time I've been to the hospital for something good (a successful operation), although my grandma was in mild pain. The past few times I've been there, my relatives were going to pass away, and my family was there to accompany them for their last few moments on earth.

I remembered both my great granddads. My god-great-granddad. I never witnessed my grandfathers passing away - On the maternal side, I was not born yet and on the paternal side, I was too young to remember. The last time I went to the hospital, I was supposed to undergo intensive blood donation to save a friend's dad's life. I couldn't, because my vein was too thin and it was risky for me to donate such a huge amount of blood. He subsequently passed away.

The elderly woman on the next bed made me wish that I would never ever set foot in the hospital again. She made my heart bleed.

Photo credit: Ivan Tan

I'll be back there in a couple of weeks.

The Hope

Sometimes, all we need is that one hope - that one person, to help us cling on, to help us climb on.

I Love Being A Vampire

Thursday Night:

Homecoming - Free beer, free ice cream. Insane performances by CS ppl (Flippin' talented bunch of students!). Talk cock session with Cosmo with the high-and-flying Alexes. :D

ACE of Clubs - I have never ever enjoyed myself so much with DN people. *drinks* Thank you guys for listening to my problems and cheering me up throughout the night. I really don't know what I'd do without you guys (: If I could, I wouldn't shoot a single one of you! (Except Shaun cause you're such a whiny bitch HAHA! :D)

Friday Night:

Dear Maureen, you are awesome! Your friends are awesome (most of them anyway, haha!). Screw depression, screw emoing, screw crying - live the night! :D Thanks Ka, Ernest, Taylor and Maurice for taking care of us and entertaining us throughout the night (: (As well as Dennis and Patrick - that's all I could remember).

It's been an insane, high-flying two nights.

Dear Nal,

I'm sorry your life sucks.

I'm sorry that you had to land up in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

I'm sorry that you have to go through all these being flung at you, all at once.

I'm sorry that when you cry, I can't do anything.

I'm sorry that you made wrong choices.

I'm sorry people made wrong choices for you.

I'm sorry you're me.

My heart just skipped a beat, over and over again.

For the right, and for the wrong reasons.

Painted Walls

I trap myself in these painted walls

Unbothered by that noise, oh that noise

Crows from the rooftop

Where love once lived

Meaningless talk and scared silence

Avoiding hurt that now resides

Amongst these painted walls

Whitewashed to all its glory

Curtains covering the dents that remain

Pain and brokenness

Now eat away

At these painted walls

Livin' On the Radio

I’ve got no friends
I’m my own queen
But I’m living on, living on the the radio
That’s my dream

Stone river eyes
And a lonely heart
If I’m living on the radio
They won’t tear me apart

10 steps and roses on the tree
10 steps and lonely nights
But you’ve still got me
On the road
Road paved in gold

Baby you must believe
Baby you must be free
Keep living on, living on the radio
That’s my dream

Baby you’ve gotta friend
And so many little monsters, yeah
Keep living on, living on the radio
That’s your dream

And when there’s nowhere to go
And your friends are gone
And you only got your daddy to call
It will be all right, honey
Cause your songs are on the radio

Cause the showbiz, all the caviar
The champagne and the sold out shows
But it will be all right honey
Cause your songs are on the radio

If Only

If only I didn't see that email, I wouldn't have had my suspicions confirmed.

I wouldn't have had my heart broken for the umpteenth by you, and I wouldn't feel like my past forgiveness have been wasted.

I've always been one to put up strong fronts and reason my way out of tears, but this time, I think I'm done acting, I'm done arguing with myself.

This has nothing to do with Bryan Yeo (as many of you would like to believe). I think there are many more issues to me than just my boyfriend (my life doesn't solely revolve around him).

I've written a song, and one day, when I get over this, I'll put it up online. Right now, it's off limits.

To you, who probably will never see this:

I've known for years, and finding out doesn't shock me. What saddens me is that despite it being wrong, your mind has been so painfully warped to think that what you're doing is right, forgivable and continuable. It's hurting not only me, but all of us. I thought that after so many years, we can let this go because you've changed. But you haven't. I'll still forgive you, because of who you are. But that doesn't change my disappointment in you, the pain that I feel because of your actions won't change either. Love covers a multitude of sins, forgiveness, mercy and grace stem out from that love.

Love, your one and only,

Huay.

one-liner

if you found out, would you still love me for who i am?

Square Root Three

I fear that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

A three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

Such a geeky, cute poem. (:

Since School Started

Yes, I know it's only Tuesday, but let me just give a brief summary on how school has been.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

There're no core module lectures, no core module tutorials - NOTHING! So bored every day in school. The worse thing is, I have to be in school at awkward timings this entire week. Monday I was in school from 2 to 7pm so I could camp for modules, which I got. But now I want to change, all cause of my fickle-mindedness, which sucks. BOO.

It's gonna be uni jargon from here on, so just skip it to avoid getting mindscrewed. Haha!

Here's what I want:

COM205 to HL101.

COM204 T6 to T-anything with tutorial in the afternoon. (Changed with Amin! Thursday afternoon lect here I come! :D)

Get one more module cause I only have 19 AUs! (Hopefully MB107, or GV17, or something either really easy/interesting, or part of my GERPEs).

So annoying right, these uni stuff.

Tuesday I was in school at 3.30 to 6pm to practice for Homecoming with Weixiang and Corn. We're just gonna perform by faith. Heh :D

Wednesday I have to attend HL808 lecture. It starts at 2.30 and ends at 5.30pm! That's one really long lecture. Then I'm meeting NTU-CHC ppl for a PM and fellowship at 6pm to who knows when. So yea, expecting a long day tmr.

Thursday is Homecoming. Yayz.

Finally, Friday! I think Cosmo peeps are gonna go sing Teoheng, which is really near my house. No need to travel (:

I'm a college girl now! :D/:(

Forgiveness

On one of the most important days of my life - you weren't there.

This moment, when gone, will never replay. It'll never come back. It will never happen again. Even if you came on Sunday, it'll still be different.

When everyone was having a happy celebration on Sat night, I was on the rooftop of Tampines One crying my heart out. Because of negligence - sheer, raw negligence.

When I received the text before service started, I walled up my heart and my emotions again because I didn't want to look sad during graduation. I didn't want to feel hurt, or neglected, or disappointed. So I just didn't.

It's quite easy, actually, to clam up your heart.

After service, when everyone was celebrating, my emotions started getting the hold of me. I didn't feel like celebrating, I didn't feel like it was worth it. My 6 months went down the drain, just because of your absence. Like I texted you, I wanted to bask in the after atmosphere, but I just couldn't.

And right now, although I said I've forgiven you, I'm still hurt. If I didn't forgive you, we'd be caught in a limbo of no solution. Because there isn't any reason, no excuse, for what you did, or didn't do.

On a supposed happy day, I still had to settle issues. And I thought six months of torture was enough.

Graduation

So that's it. I've officially graduated from the School of Theology, class of 2010.

So much of me has changed in 6 months, and I've really had my eyes opened to a much bigger picture and a much bigger world.

Reflection On My SOT Journey

(It's the same one on Facebook, so skip it if you've already seen it :D)

As SOT draws to an end, I feel inclined to reflect upon my personal journey throughout the past six months - the ppl I've met who have become a strong motivating factor in my life, the life lessons I have learnt in school and the experience I have with God in classes, have all defined who I am. The Nalina you see today isn't the same as the one who've met six months ago.

The past six months haven't been easy for me, and I knew the 'trouble' I was gonna get into from the very start. But going through it and experiencing the magnitude of SOT, the pain, the daily crucifixion, the emotional rollercoasters, the misunderstandings - was a totally different story.

Right from the beginning, there wasn't any sponsorship or funding for me. Working late nights in between classes was physically exhausting. Financially, I was tight to the neck and worried about how I was gonna live with about $180 a month for everything. Relationally, I had problems with my family and with my bf. I broke down countless times, and I felt that I couldn't make it to graduation. Truth be told, from June to early Aug, I experienced the worst bio-psycho-socio-spiritual meltdown in my life. Everything just walled up, and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, not even God. I kept making wrong decisions, and I was just a door away from leaving SOT.

But in times of crisis, those who came through for me, came through for me. Their prayers and intercession moved God's heart to move in my life, and I started making better decisions again. God sent ppl to encourage me, to pray with and for me, or even just to lend a shoulder to cry on.

Now, as graduation draws near, I want to thank those who've gone through such a tumultuous six months of endless counselling, saliva wasting, and also joy spreading for me.

First up, Team 18.

Thank you for being so awesome. To see you guys every day in school is a blessing. And although I take it for granted sometimes, you guys were always there to update me, to contaminate me with lessons and experiences I missed. Without you, SOT would just be dull. Thank you for cheering me on when I was BVing for the first time, thank you for celebrating my 19th birthday, thank you for improving my Chinese by leaps and bounds. I love you guys (:

Next, SOT BV.

You guys may not know this, but the biggest character change God has blessed me with came through you all. I never dared to hold a mic to sing (except in karaoke), and I kept my 'talents' hidden underground, because I was afraid of what others would say. My confidence and boldness grew from my experiences with you. Whenever I see all of you, who even with little experience, sing and give your all during p&w, it motivates me to do the same. I used to sing softly during cg, now I'm always like screaming the song haha! God gave me this newfound confidence through you guys, and I'm so thankful for that. Thank you for all the joy fun and laughter, the horrible squashed car sessions, the initially awkward and nerve-wrecking lessons with Sherlyn, and all the little secrets of holding a mic to sing. (Look at lyrics, sing parts, jump jump, smile even when you're panicking, listen to your voice from monitor, look at lyrics which suddenly change to Chinese, BREATHE, swallow saliva cause throat very dry.. and repeat) It's amazing how one p&w session can be extreme exercise :D

Lastly, the friends whom I've made in SOT. Thank you for your smiles, no matter how small or large, silent or expressive they are, they matter alot to me. They are what keep me going, keep me loving, keep me laughing.

It has been life-changing.

Good morning SOT! (:

And goodbye, SOT.

It's so surreal. I'm a Bible School graduate. 0.0