Last Post of 2010

Since the last post, things haven't been going well. Nonetheless, I can't wait to usher in a new year - new hopes, new dreams, new things.

I'm finally trying to quit smoking. I haven't been able to go completely cold turkey yet, but I'm trying my hardest to stop. I take about 2 a day from friends, and I've already stopped buying packs. It hasn't been easy, but I want to leave this whole cigarette thing behind me in the year 2010, because 2011's gonna be a new beginning for me.

I'm also gonna stop clubbing so often, probably about 2-4 times a month from now on, drinking as well. It's not good for my body, and it's not good for my wallet ($.$). I'm still not over that phase, but I guess it's good that I'm making a conscious decision to stop. I can't carry on like this for the rest of my life, and I won't (: So for the first part of 2011, I'm gonna work like a dog. Feels like I'm starting 2010 all over again when I just worked and worked all the way in January :D

The 2010 Reflection :D

Glad to see 2010 go? :
Yup! This year has been really eventful and memorable, to say the least.

Age turned in 2010? :
19!

Did you change your hair in 2010? How?:
Chopped it off when it was brown, dyed it full red, then dyed it black with orange highlights. Heehee :D

The best part of 2010? :
Knowing that love overcomes all.

The worst part of 2010? :
Handling the transition from a pious Christian to a wildchild. It wasn't easy.

Who will you never forget (or at least try not to)? :
All the people who've worked in DN, whether I've known that for a while, or I've known them since I started working (:

Who did you wish you did not meet in 2010? :
Every single person changed my life, regardless how messed up it became.

Did you have a partner in 2010? :
The most amazing person in the world.

Did you fall in love in 2010? :
I did - he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Did you catch someone in a lie in 2010? :
Haha, obviously.

Did you call them out? :
Maybe - I'd rather not be a tattletale.

Did you get caught in a lie? :
Yes.

Funniest moment of 2010? :
All the drunk shit that happened at nights out with Glenn and the DN people. The craziest shit happens :D

Most embarrassing moment of 2010? :
Aga's fucked up Dare Game. It's horrible.

Did you take any vacations in 2010? Where? :
Tioman with Bryan (:

Any new hobbies of 2010? :
I realised I like to collect foreign coins. HAHA! :D

Did you get a new job in 2010? :
I tried teaching. (:

Did you lose a job in 2010? :
I finished teaching. :D

Did you host a party in 2010? :
Don't think so. Maybe created an event, but didn't host a party.

Where did most of your money go in 2010? :
At least $2.3K went to church, after leaving most of it went to alcohol, clubbing and food.

What song will always remind you of 2010? :
The new DJ Earworm remix just came out - Don't Stop the Pop. So I guess that!

What do you wish you’d done more of? :
Worked more to earn more money.

What do you wish you’d done less of? :
Chillaxing during exam period :P

Biggest achievement in 2010? :
Got 4A2B for A Levels, graduated from SOT, went to WKW, and I haven't even gotten drunk before. :D

Biggest failure in 2010 :
Giving up on my relationship for someone else who wasn't worth an eyelash.

In 2010, did you lie to miss a day of work / school? :
In uni, nothing is compulsory. So I technically never lied.

Did you move in 2010? :
Nope (:

Did you wish on a shooting star in 2010? :
Could we pretend that airplanes in the nightsky are like shooting stars? HAHAHA

What was your greatest musical discovery? :
The teachings from Sherlyn. She really did help my voice to improve, just that I killed it with smokes.

What was the best book you read? :
Metamorphosis wasn't half bad.

What was your favourite movie of the year? :
Haha I watched significantly lesser, but I guess Rapunzel? I can't be too sure.

What did you want in 2010 and got?
I got a MacBook Pro (although it's on credit and I'm gonna have to pay it back). I wanted to go to SOT and I graduated. I wanted to go to uni and I did. I wanted to lose weight and I (seemingly) did :D It's been quite blessed.

What did you want in 2010 but didn’t get?
I wanted to be with someone else, but I didn't get that, and I thank God I didn't get what I want - cause I guess, I don't know what I want.

Did you make-out in public in 2010? :
Haha!

Who/What kept you sane? :
Who says I am? (:

Who did you miss? :
I do miss Wong, Char, Sihui and Roll. I still meet them, but not as often as before I suppose.

Who was the best new person you met?
He was the best - and the worst new person I've ever met.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'll never know (:

Did you drink too much in 2010? :
I realised my answer to this in 2009 was "Nope. Never did. (:". My answer to this in 2010 is "Yes. Too much. (:"

Your favorite commercial of 2010? :
I'm immune to commercials, like COCKROACHES.

Something you couldn’t leave home without in 2010? :
My cigarettes. But now I can.

How did you spend New Year’s 2010? :
In the city with Bryan. We just cruised on a bus after visiting Sentosa (:

Valentines Day 2010? :
Bryan was in camp I think. I think I was working. :P

Easter 2010? :
Church.

Halloween 2010? :
Penny Black before Rebel/Zirca. I met Jesus there. Haha!

Thanksgiving 2010? :
I don't celebrate Thanksgiving. (:

Christmas 2010? :
Bedridden with a fever.

Your birthday? :
In SOT with Team 18, before heading home to a surprise of Wong, Sihui, Linkai, Merrill and Roll at my house waiting to spring an attack on me. Then dinner at a Thai restaurant and Island Creamery with family, before heading down to Rebel with Ron, Jon, Shimin and Nikki. Haha, I remember.

How do you plan to usher in the new year?
With the people I treasure and love, and want to keep for the rest of my life.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010 :
Never be as crazy as I was when I was 19. Haha! And don't be naive as well. Take good care of your health, and live life happily without limits, except for the sake of the people whom you love and love you back. :D

Hell and Highwater

So, Christmas is here - which means the end of the year is approaching.

This year has been, to summarise in a word: conflicting. No matter how bad things may have went, and how messed up my life has been (and maybe still is haha), I must say that it's been a really good run. I've learnt so much this year, about life, love and living. Life and living are different - life is the way things run (semi-automatic), and living is the way you choose to run it (manual).

The beginning of the year started out great, hakuna matata. The cellgroup just multiplied under a new leader, we were getting adjusted to the changes, and my life was basically stable. Bryan and I were never so much more in love, having spent our 3rd year together, which is honestly quite a feat for couples our age, and I really love having someone who knows me inside out, and cares for me no matter what I chose.

I started working at DN in Dec. It was a totally new experience, I was exposed to beers, liquors, liquers, food and just so many things that were just eye-openers. I didn't even know what Grey Goose and Johnnie Walker were, honestly. I learnt so much from that place, and I met so many good friends who teach me things that I wouldn't have learnt if I wasn't there. Friends like Aga, Alli, Ron, Maur, Nikki, Shimin and many many others who have taught me so much in such a short time.

I also got back my A Level results in Feb/March. It was a really thrilling time for me, and I really thank God for that miracle. I could choose any course my heart desired, and I ended up in WKWSCI. I wouldn't choose any other course for the world.

In March I went to SOT. For 6 months we went through intensive bible training, I finally held the mike and sang in front of a large crowd for the first (few) time, I had tests and assignments to chiong through, and I can't thank God enough for the friends I met there. Also, for the friendships that were fortified in that span of time. Those 6 months were tough, balancing work, studies and my relationship, when SOT took up nearly 7 days a week, and I had to fund it myself. I am proud to say that I managed to. It wasn't easy, but I got through it, and that was amazing.

In August, university began. It wasn't bad, but I always knew that studying was never my forte, and never my preference. I made a bunch of good friends, and here's hoping that in the next 3.5 years, we'll be even closer and better than where we are now (: I graduated from SOT in August as well, and at that point in time, my life was already going downhill. It was a difficult transition for me, handling so many things at one go and managing that internal conflict. I kept clinging onto hope that things might go up, and it did when I left. I felt free, and I felt that I didn't have to account to anyone anymore, because all my life, I've been doing that and it felt good to not have to always live up to expectations.

I started to try things (both legal and illegal). It was amazing to try what I've been restricted my whole life. Although, I know that this is just a phase, and my life won't revolve around it in the future. Nonetheless, it's good to try it at least once in your life. Then you won't ever wonder what it's like.

October was a heavy month for me. I did something so bad and so unforgivable. I wouldn't say I didn't enjoy it, but the consequences were not something I could handle. I was happy, but I knew that I couldn't be happy in the long term. Bryan and I broke up twice, and got back together again. Before the end of the year and the start of a new one, I want to get my direction back. What I want, what I need, what I know is good for me. Bryan's the one I know will give me that happiness, and I am willing to do anything to make it up to him - to make sure he knows that I love him.

Well, in 2010, I've been through hell and high water - nothing can touch me now.

Hehe

You are the best thing that I could ever deserve.

Thank you

Thank you for saving me last night. It was a pretty harrowing experience, but I guess that taught me a lesson in clubbing.

What are the chances that he was dragging me somewhere, and on the way out I'd bump into you, right when you were about to hit the dance floor? What were the chances that he wanted to leave at that exact moment, and you were about to enter at that moment? God knows what would have happened to me if I didn't see you from the corner of my eye and latched onto your arm.

At that moment it didn't occur to me what could have happened. But now that I've sobered up, I realised what danger I could have been in. Thank God nothing happened, otherwise, I wouldn't be able to live it up.

I made promises to you, and I'm intending on keeping them. You know how promises are to me, I treat them like the most important things in my life, and I promise that I'll keep what I said to you.

Thank you - and I'm expecting a reply at 21 00 (:

Should I go for Christmas this year?

Since 2006 I haven't missed a single Christmas celebration in church.

This year, things have changed.

But once again, change is subjective. Everyone changes, whether they be drastic or subtle. Some just change more than others.

My belief that God exists hasn't left me, but my belief that the human race still has hope of redemption is long gone. We're so fucked up, we don't deserve it. But He gives it to us anyway, whether we want to or not. Then we choose whether we wanna accept it or not. But then again, we're not perfect, so we abuse that Grace given. Then, what's the use of all that theology when ppl can't just find it in them to start making things better. So I decided to go and find and test myself, and when I'm done trying, I'll see where that leads me to.

Annual traditions nearing the end of the year - spending Christmas in church with the cellgroup, the last day of the year with them at Sentosa before spending the rest of the countdown with Bryan, the first day of the new year at home, and the second day of the new year celebrating our anniversary.

2010/11 - they're all gone. By my own hands. Not by anyone else's. No one left me, I stepped out and away.

I made a whole plethora of bad decisions this year. Many of which I regret, but there's no use dwelling on them, because every bad decision leads to a lesson learnt. Then you move on.

I tried so many things this year. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other, without stopping to 'balance' things out. They just all went out of hand, all out of my own hands.

(This blog entry is sort of like a 'blaming ritual' for me. Today, I'm feeling particularly introspective.)

So many ppl have tried to help me get through transitions, get through bad decisions - but I either ignored them, or tried to reconcile logic with feeling, but feeling always overwhelms me.

Do you remember a time when the truth ran free

Birth of a song, death of a dream

Closer to the edge

I spent the last few days in hall, bunking over at Charlene's cause of 9am papers. One night, I actually spoke to God again, after such a long long time. I just cried like a baby, and no advice was given. I don't blame Him - it's not like I would have listened.

How the idea of fun corroded life to such an extent, I will never figure out. What I gotta figure out is how to get my life back on track, once I've finished having my fun.

One day, I'll grow sick and tired of everything. And the old Nal will be back - changed, more mature, and more learned to the things around her. One day, I promise.

Christmas Wishlist

Finally, I have a Christmas wishlist. I've never been one to come up with one, or even think of one, but somehow this year it just feels like I want more stuff :/

1. Canon Digi Cam

I have no clue what model this is, but it looks like this:

Not the girl, the CAMERA :D

P.S This is my friend Maureen, she is awesome, and single (HAHAHHA!). I don't know if she's comfortable with me using her photo on my blog hehe :D LOVE YOU BABE!

And, the pictures come out like this:

This is the compressed one on Facebook. Can you imagine the real ones? Lord, I'm always in amazement at her camera photos (:

I forgot to ask the camera model from her. But, she told me it costs $600-700. Yikes.

2. Headphones

I spotted these at the Apple Store. The specs are good, and they look NICE :D

Okay. This isn't the actual one.

I can't remember the model, or even find it on the internet. But, I do remember they cost exactly $248 (you can get it cheaper at Sim Lim Square) and they have one model which is so shiny, it acts as a mirror. Or a deflector under the sun. Whichever you prefer.

Specs are 18 - 22,000 Hz, which is way above and below the human hearing range. Which means it's kickass. :D

I'm kinda sick of the plain white iPhone earplugs, and they tend to give me a headache. Plus, sometimes the beats of the song get lost under crappy earphones, because the normal human hearing range is 20Hz - 20kHz, so those that are above 20Hz and below 20kHz seriously undermine the ingenuity of certain songs which are meant to be heard in their full glory. With good headphones, I'll be able to catch pitch more awesomely and be a DJ! :D :D :D Gimme those headphones and I'm off to be the next Tiesto (:

3. Eyeshadow Palette

I like brown shades, and I like shimmery eyeshadows, not plain and smack-on boring eyeshadow types.

No need for a whole palette, I've used them my whole life and honestly, there's no need for so many colours. Most of them get thrown out after 2 years (haha yea, I keep my makeup for more than 2 years actually :P) which is quite a big waste of space and money.

Black would be nice too. I already have matt black and white eyeshadows, but I think brown would be waaaay better (: Anna Sui, Red Earth, Maybelline etc, anything - as long as the colour comes off nice :D

4. Primer

Primer is so awesome cause your eyeshadow colour comes off exactly the way you want it. I heard there's some good ones at Makeup Store and stuff, but I haven't had the time (or money) to go down and take a look. Sigh, life of a penniless peasant.

5. WARDROBE MAKEOVERRRRR

My style has changed since I was 13, mummy. Time to throw out my entire collection and buy more clothes which are my style! :D

6. MORE FLATS!

I have too many heels that I don't wear cause I'm lazy. And cause I don't have enough friends who drive, so wearing heels makes it painful to go home by public transport/standing to get a cab. But, I have really big feet, so finding shoes that I like, fit me and cost reasonable is a real pain. Also, time to throw out shoes that I don't wear anymore. I could hold an auction. HAHAHA!

7. Books

Yes I know right, what does Nal need books for - to burn? I actually READ okay, contrary to popular belief. I love classics, because I believe that classics are classics for a reason. Right now I'm looking into collections of books, and I've set my sights on a few.

(a) The Chronicles of Narnia

(b) Harry Potter

(c) Twilight

(d) Shakespeare

(e) Jodi Picoult books

(f) The Lost Symbol

(g) The Inheritance Cycle (Eragon, Eldest and Brisingr)

8. MORE MONEY

DUH.

9. New phone!

I'm actually looking at the iPhone 4 right now, cause my plan expires right after my exams. But, the iPhone 5 is coming out next year, and I'm thinking whether to withhold my desire for an iPhone now, or tarry till a better one comes out next year? Hmm, need to question my Magic 8 Ball.

10. Keyboard Protector & Screen Protector

Before my MacBook Pro succumbs to anymore damage caused by my rough handling. Mine's a 13" btw, if you're really thinking of getting one for me. HAHA!

And that's the 10 things I want for 2010! I could get some myself, but presents are duly invited (: HAHAHHA BYE CHICAS! :D

Studying

At this point in time, I'm really grateful to studying.

Last week, I couldn't muster the strength or the willpower to sit down and begin to mug. But when I started this week, I couldn't stop.

Maybe it's cause it takes my mind away from things not to be thought of, it takes my mind away from imagining an alternate realm where I can go into and create my own scenarios, before plunging back into reality and dealing with real issues and real situations and relationships which are not complicated by logic, but complicated by feeling.

Studying has sort of - dare I say, straightened my thoughts out. I may not be completely straight yet, but I sure ain't twisted as I was a week ago.

The notes and books and whatnot are hard to cram and memorise, especially when I've been skipping lectures since week... three? :D It's a lot of common sense, which makes it hard to study because you think you already know what you know, when actually you have no clue how to verbalise and write it down in concrete words.

Yes, uni is different from JC. But thank God it isn't a one-off exam that I have to mug for, most of my results are already handed to me on a silver platter (through graded assignments). I'm not even aiming for second class honors, so this is quite... alright for me. (: The stress is mainly coming from my peers, who are all so GODDAMN HARDCORE MUGGERS ALL AIMING FOR FIRST CLASS HONORS WTF (Haha if any of you are reading this, don't be insulted kaaayyyy ya'll know how I talk one hehex)! I'm damn lepak compared to them, but I sure ain't slack enough to NOT even study, I give myself that. *pats back*

When exams end on the 20th, I'm gonna go straight back into work. I like working. It's nice to interact with ppl every day, rather than sitting in front of a laptop, study notes, get distracted by youtube, facebook, perezhilton, clicknetwork and the random blogs. Plus, I'm not tired enough to sleep, but I'm too tired to cram any more info into my cranium. So it's like - horrid.

A random thing that popped up recently was my school fees. Apparently, they didn't receive my application to pay my school fees via my mum's CPF in Sem 1. So technically, I'm screwed. But after Wednesday's paper I'm heading straight down to Tampines to deal with the matter. Otherwise, I won't be able to view my exam results and apply for next sem's mods - which is fucked up. Plus, I don't have enough cash to pay for my first sem's tuition fees, $3000++ - where the hell am I gonna get all that money? So yea, it's sort of like, a fucked up December for me.

Nonetheless, studying has made me emotionally numb. And kinda depressed. Imagine, hearing "Imagine" and "Hey Jude" for a week planted this epic fairytale in my mind where everything is peachy and happy, and the world is at peace with each other. Watching "Rapunzel" didn't help too. It was a nice show, and it made me happy like a bunny on weed for 4 hours, giggling and singing songs while walking around Marina Square (okay more like an idiot) - it made me feel like a little girl again, when I didn't do shit and didn't know shit (:

But we all know, reality bites. We all grow up, and experience different things that make us stop believing that the world is beautiful. We all wish it were, but it's not. Totally not.

I shall end my blogpost before I start a thesis on "Why the World Sucks, Hardcore".

To NTU Students:
HAPPY MUGGING! EXAMS ARE ENDING SOOOONN, THEN IT'S CHRISTMAS!!! :D
*Jingle bells, batman smells, robin laid an egggggggg*

Happy 11th December everyone! :D :D :D

You Don't Get Another Chance, Life Is No Nintendo Game

To You:

Thank you for being so forgiving despite all that I've said and done. Right now, there's a mixture of guilt, inferiority and sure uncertainness in my actions and thoughts. I realise that I'm still the same person inside - just that now my insecurities surface when problems arise. Maybe it was a desire to feel loved, a desire to feel wanted for who I am and not how I look. Not that you ever cared about my appearance, but the secrets that we kept to ourselves was too much for me to take. It came to a stage when I felt used, no longer loved because you didn't have the same amount of time to reassure me like you used to. As someone else crept into my life, I instinctively gave myself away because I felt that this someone would treat me the same way you did. Then, I chose to break myself away from you, in hopes that I'd be happier with someone else and be free from all constraints - free to do whatever I wanted.

Now, I realise that that person is one hell of a jackass. He wasn't the main reason why I broke up with you, although he had a major part to play.

You want us to be back together, but I can't let go of the freedom that I've gained and experienced. It's an either-or option, and I'm afraid I'll hurt you again because my desires get in the way of protecting our feelings. Please give me some time, and I promise I'll think about it - when my exams are over.

For now, thank you for accompanying me the past few days while I heal from a hurt. Thank you for your never-changing attitude and love towards me, despite what I've done. I appreciate you so much.

Vulgar Language Ahead, Beware.

You said that you really liked me a lot, but because of the way I handled the situation back then, it showed a lot about me.

True, it shows how much of a douche I am, and how I can't make my mind up decisively. But unlike you, I have much to think about. Like a 4 year relationship on the rocks, and a seemingly blossoming romance on the side. Dealing with the pros and cons ain't all that simple. True, I was afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone, and handling problems that have been brushed under the carpet because I was just too used to being treated like that. You took one year to get over a one and a half year relationship, what makes you think a four year relationship is just as easy to get over? Plus, your wavering concern plunged me in doubt. One moment you seemed to be really concerned, the next you were telling me to settle my own shit and you were just too busy to give a damn about my life. Because SC2 is way more important than human feelings and relations.

But no, you wouldn't hear shit from me. To you, it was all just excuses and emotional vulnerability.

Well, I finally made up my mind. The least you could have done was NOT to lead me on. To enamour me with false promises like "always being there for me" and statements like "Yes, I do like you". Well, you forgot the second half - "Yes I do like you, as much as I like all the other girls out there, cause I like girls easily."

You still do owe me some things - money and an IOU. Money, I'm gonna ask you when I see you again. The IOU - I don't need or want it anymore. You can fucking have it back.

I put you above all my studies, thinking of you every damn night and wondering what would have happened if I made up my mind earlier. You were right - I wouldn't be happy with you, because now I know how you think, and how your character is like.

Thank you for the memories, but fuck you for all your goddamn lies.

Priorities

I put you above everything, and I thought you felt the same, just that you didn't know how to reciprocate. Then I found out that you did know how to, you just didn't want to.

I put you as my priority, and you took me as an option.

"If I feel like replying you, then I'll reply you", he says. "You can send me a message. If it imposes on me, then I'll not reply, it's as simple as that."

Well, I have two words for you:

FUCK OFF.

I don't see why I bother myself with such a person anymore. I thought you were someone else, but clearly you weren't. I thought you were different, and yes you are, different in a bad way. Looks like what everyone said was true, I was just too fucking smitten with you and the belief that we'd be the same as before, that we'd be as happy as we were in that one week. That you genuinely cared for me, but actually all this time, I was just being played by you.

You didn't have to tell me you like me to give me that false hope, so that I fucking justify every goddamn action you did or didn't do. I was just one of the many other girls who fell for it.

God, I'm so pissed off right now.

:D

I'm happier now.

I may not have someone who loves me and would be willing to die for me and all, but at least I know that there are no strings attached and anything can happen the way I want it to happen. Not to say that love isn't fantastic and everything, but at the moment, love isn't in my list.

Went out on Wed with a few DN staff, ex-staff and customer (haha I know right). We had a blast, and for the first time I managed to see Wilson get drunk before me heehee. I feel really fortunate to have known all these fantastic people, because honestly, I would be a very different person without them.

Also had a good talk with Wilson, Nikki, Alvin and Omar separately. They all had different advice for me and different methods of handling things, but I know one thing for sure - they all had my interests at heart. It's not often you find a group of friends who know what you're going through, and are willing to allow you to screw up (against their advice) but still always be there for you. One said: "If you really like someone, go for it. From an outsider's point of view, it may not be the best thing you'd like your friend to go through, and most of the time, their predictions will come true. But if you're happy now, just be happy, don't care what people say. What matters is that you know what you want right here right now, and if you're gonna be happy, then go the fuck ahead." And this was spoken in a drunken stupor, can you imagine.

I'm happy now, going out every day to get laptop accessories. I haven't bought anything yet, but I've learnt alot abt laptop specs and geeky stuff that I never ever knew before. Thank you (:

I snatched these quotes from Nikki's Facebook cause they're really kickass.

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future."

"I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently."
"And I can't give you that. Nobody can."

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

I'm learning, but getting there.