Dialogue

Thank you to friends who've been texting/calling/facebooking me to ask whether I'm alright.

I'm alright, really really. I haven't been single for the last 4 years, so obviously I'm gonna need some time to get used and adjust to being an unattached 19 year old girl.

In all honesty, it feels good to be single. When I told Bryan about my "adventures", I felt so freed up, and I didn't feel a need to keep any secrets from him. There was no commitment, no need to justify my actions or even lie. This was the most honest I've been to him in the last couple months, so yea, it felt good.

Exams are coming soon, and I'm feeling quite calm about it (which is NOT a good sign). I keep feeling like I'll smoke through this like I did A Levels, but we all know that's not possible because my A's were freak results and only a miracle could have produced those. Kinda screwed up my 201 already, but well, I'm not aiming for 1st class honors or even 2nd class honors - I just wanna graduate and leave NTU and get a job and live a life. The smarter you are, the more ppl will depend on you for solutions and their own paycheck - and we all know what happens when we help other ppl, you get screwed over.

Brother's wedding is over, it was fun getting him to drink those sick concoctions of orange juice/coke/tea, pepper, thick chili sauce, vinegar, soy sauce and mango pudding. Felt kinda bad in case the concoctions would dampen the couple's night activity, but it was fun while it lasted. According to the happy couple, it didn't taste that bad. FAIL.

It's so weird how all of them look like tomyum with tofu when it's actually mango pudding in weird shit.

An uber thanks to Jeremy Ko for sending me to Holland Ave en route to his friend's house so I could catch a cab more easily to the Marriott Hotel. I missed the morning festivities because of 201 midterms (can you believe it! my own brother's wedding and leave not granted wtfbbq). I got scammed of $75 because the hair and makeup stylist did an ugh job of my hair. Nonetheless, the food was awesome and I ate like a pig. EAT EAT EAT.

Bryan came back that very same night the wedding ended. We hung out with each other the next day and caught Megamind.

We already wanted to watch it before Bryan left for Taiwan. I was laughing throughout the entire movie, seriously. It's not memorable, but it sure was a good $7.50 spent.

At night we walked home, and I guess that's where the breakup happened. We talked and resolved, so it was all good. Yup.

Gawd I really hate studying, makes me feel tired, gives me a headache and there're just so many words. Blaaaah. Kinda like running. Okay I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just eggggggggcited for the week!

Wed - End sch at 4, work till 11, then party!

Thurs - End sch at 1, then a paid survey from 2 to 4pm.

Fri - End sch at 1, work till 11, and PARTY SOMEMORE wootwoot!

Sat - Penny Black with my mum and aunty and grandma. WARM CHOCOLATE PUDDING love! Then I'm heading down to Ion/Wheelock to check out some Apple stuff (:

Hopefully I'll get at least half of the studying done by this week. Otherwise...

I can hug my laptop with me to my deathbed.

And for tradition's sake, cause I've been embedding emo-as-hell songs on my blog, why not just one more! :D

Today has been by far one of my happier days (:

It was only just a dream

The old adage goes:

"It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

I hate that phrase.

When you never love, you never fill that emptiness. You'll never experience what it's like to be filled with an emotion that turns you topsy-turvy, carries you to new heights of ecstasy, brings you to a mountain where clouds fill the bluest sky you can ever imagine. And you'll never pine for that experience again.

When you love and lose, the resulting emptiness is accompanied by nothing but pain. You'll never reach that mountain again. And knowing you'll never reach that mountain makes you lose faith, hope and love - for yourself, for others.

I would rather never have loved at all.

I did so many wrong things. So many that you don't recognize me anymore - I don't recognize myself anymore.

While I was with you, I was thinking of someone else. My heart was overtaken by someone who didn't love me as much as you did. Maybe it's complacency, maybe it's just a breath of fresh air, only time will tell. When you said "I love you", I didn't respond. I didn't know how to - because I don't know whether I'd be telling a lie, and the last thing I wanted to do before you left was lie to you.

You don't know how sorry I am for being such a bitch, for being a player, a liar and a cheater. It was never your fault, I just lost myself, and I lost you along the way.

I say with all my heart that I loved you. You never gave me a reason not to. You understood what it meant when you love someone, you have to let them go. You cut me free, and I appreciate that. I was never a believer of fate - but if fate wills us, we'll be together again. This sounds all juvenile and fantasy, but I can't be sure of what happens next. All I know now is that no one will ever love me that way you did, and even if they did, they'd have big shoes to fill.

Reading your fb wall posts, I thank God you have such awesome friends. They will be there for you the same way I was there for you - to make you laugh, to cheer you up when you feel sad. You're an awesome man, you deserve only the best, and the best isn't me.

I regret having my heart and mind overtaken. But this only shows the strength of my character, which isn't very strong at all. You'll move on, I promise, to someone who will never hurt you the way I did, to someone who will love you more than I did. I promise.

This is it

So, this is it.

We had a good (almost) 4 years together, and now we have nothing but memories to live by. I thank you for everything you've given me and everything you've taught me. We didn't break up because of an argument, or because we can't stand each other anymore - we separated because we both knew it was the right thing to do.

Thank you for spending this one last day as a boyfriend with me. I really treasure whatever you've done and given. Your stuff - well, let's just say I can't bear to throw them away or return them back to you yet. They've been with me for so long, it's as if they're already mine. It's as if you're still mine, and I'm still yours. But we both know that's no longer the case. It's a matter of getting used to, and sometimes, when you're so used to something, you're numb about your feelings towards it, that you don't even know how you actually feel towards it anymore.

I still love whatever we had, I still hold on to our beautiful memories. But for now, this is goodbye. We'll still see each other, somehow, for lunch, dinner or just a movie, because you'll always be a part of me that will never go away, you shaped me.

You're the best boyfriend, and any girl will be lucky to have you. It was just your bad luck to have met me, someone who can't treasure what she has.

Bye.

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hold on, don't be scared.

I need you to show me what this song says, cause I can't seem to understand what it's telling me.

Today

Today, I cried while thinking of you.

I miss you so much, so much that I'm hurting, knowing that you're completely out of my reach - knowing that you probably don't ever want to see me every again. So much that you're even willing to quit your job if rumors get spread around too much.

I'm so scared now. One moment I feel like I'm in a stable relationship, the next moment, a question pops up in my head and you refuse to answer it. You escape and you don't answer, knowing that you're 1909 miles away from me and you can take your time to think up of one. It scares me to think that you're hiding as many things from me as I do from you.

I can't handle the pressure. I can't handle the jealousy or the extra stress that's being put onto me.

I'm being so honest here because I don't know where else to turn to.

When I tell others about what's happening, I put up a strong front. Like everything's okay and I'm thinking rationally like a mature adult. But behind that strong persona, I'm still a little girl. I want to be assured, to be safe in someone's arms.

I want to decide but it's really hard, because I don't have all the pieces I need for the puzzle. I'm so scared because I don't have the ability to see the big picture, regardless how far I step away from the situation.

I don't know who to lose now.

You say good morning, and good evening
The day is done, and you've come to find
The words are fleeting, I hear your quiet breathing
Is something wrong?

You come on two knees, with more than two needs
Finding that it's all too easy
To be helped and found
You slept and he said

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home

Daylight's coming, the sun is blazing
New beginnings seep into you
But in the end it's distant shadows
That finally overwhelm your senses
And this time around
Is it love that you crown?
And this time around
You'll be more than who you are

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home

Could you find yourself a way back home?

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home


So beautiful.

Brokenhearted

I finally spoke to you for the first time today.

Although, it was nothing personal. Work is work.

I may be thinking too much, as if I am the centre of your universe and nothing else - but pls stop putting misleading statuses on Facebook. It makes me wonder whether we still have a chance, which I'm not even sure I want or not.

I'm still so confused about everything.

It's complicated when feelings are involved. That's because feelings screw up our logic, and we succumb to what we feel, even when we don't really do. And if we do, it defies all logic. So, what makes sense - logic or feelings? Which screws us up all the more?

I wish something would just hit me, so I can stop thinking about all this.

Yea, it's plain to see

That baby you're beautiful

And there's nothing wrong with you

It's me, I'm a freak

But thanks for lovin' me

Cause you're doing it perfectly.

Awkward

I don't know how I can handle being with you, in the same place, at the same time. Sure, work is work, but then again, I tend to allow my emotions to get a hold of me. Like today - man, it was awkward (at least for me). I know you totally didn't feel shit, and that's the way it's supposed to be, especially since we're in the same environment, standing right next to each other, or right in front of each other. My gawd. I honestly didn't even dare to walk in and make my milk tea.

Since Halloween there's been nothing from you. Not even a text, an email or a call. I feel so left behind. But whenever I feel like calling you, I think of what the old Nal would do - just wait.

So I'm left waiting.

And I'm left missing.

I wonder if you know.

Seeing your fb status, I really wonder if it's about me. I wish they were, but the things I've heard from others make me think otherwise. I'm really tired of waiting for "the right time", because how the hell do we know when "the right time" is?

We never do.

If it isn't about me, then go ahead and move on. I was never actually in the picture anyway. I could never be, because the reason is clear-cut - I don't love myself and I don't care about my own happiness. Don't keep me waiting for something that doesn't actually concern me and my life. Whatever you're waiting for, it may come soon, by the end of the month. Now, I want to focus on making myself happy, whatever it takes.

I don't even know how to break this to you.

Insomnia

I can't sleep at all, haven't slept well the past few weeks thinking of stuff, resulting in awesomely large eye bags and dark eye circles.

I even look older now (according to Glenn) cause I seem so jaded.

I can't sleep thinking of whatever happened, and wishing you were lying right beside me watching at me sleep, wishing you to be here so that I can talk to you if I can't fall asleep and vice versa, to hear you snore (even if it keeps me awake).

When I saw that msg, my heart literally stopped and I immediately felt like puking.

It hurt me like fuck. Seriously. This screwed up feeling where your heart aches and you feel like you've been stabbed continuously for ten billion times and the open wound is just left to mould and rot.

Gawd, I think of you every single day. Whenever I get a phone call or a text I pray and hope that it's you, even if it's to tell me to get lost and fuck off. But it never is.

I've given up on praying, hoping, and having faith, because they all seem so useless now. "Just like the lady with the magic ball, 50-50".

For the first time, I'm trying my hardest to tell you something, and you're running away. You didn't even turn your back, you just fucking ran. If I chase, you're just gonna catch the plane and fly off to somewhere where I'll never get to see you again, and I don't want that.

I've gotta settle my issues first before implicating you. I wanna tell you my 'grand master plan' but you're just too pissed off to give a shit. Guess you're jaded from counseling and advising me so profusely when I wanted to hear but didn't bother to listen. It's alright, and I understand.

So, I'm letting you go - because I don't want to let you go.

Truth Be Told

Dinner with Glenn was surprisingly revelational (Haha Glenn I bet you're reading this and going :D :D :D).

Initially, I thought what I did would hurt only one person.

Then, I thought that instead of hurting that person, I hurt the other two instead.

Now I realise that all 3 are fucked.

Glenn's right. I have to make a choice. Now, I'm just making people (including myself) miserable with my double-mindedness and inability to make choices because I'm scared.

I'm scared I make the wrong choice, I'm scared of leaving things behind and moving forward, I'm scared of change.

I'm not happy, but in that process of finding happiness - I screw other people up as well. Which makes me not only a retard and an idiot, but a mofo too.

Basically, I just epitomised stupidity and numbness.

I've gotta think things through clearly, and Glenn, thanks for telling me things that really helped.

Sometimes the pros and cons can be weighed out, but to what extent of judgment can you weigh them out? And how do you know which pro outweighs which con? What if there are 10 cons and 1 pro? Does that necessarily mean you should follow through?

Help me. I don't want to lose you.

Strip it all away
I'll be alright
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me