Should I go for Christmas this year?

Since 2006 I haven't missed a single Christmas celebration in church.

This year, things have changed.

But once again, change is subjective. Everyone changes, whether they be drastic or subtle. Some just change more than others.

My belief that God exists hasn't left me, but my belief that the human race still has hope of redemption is long gone. We're so fucked up, we don't deserve it. But He gives it to us anyway, whether we want to or not. Then we choose whether we wanna accept it or not. But then again, we're not perfect, so we abuse that Grace given. Then, what's the use of all that theology when ppl can't just find it in them to start making things better. So I decided to go and find and test myself, and when I'm done trying, I'll see where that leads me to.

Annual traditions nearing the end of the year - spending Christmas in church with the cellgroup, the last day of the year with them at Sentosa before spending the rest of the countdown with Bryan, the first day of the new year at home, and the second day of the new year celebrating our anniversary.

2010/11 - they're all gone. By my own hands. Not by anyone else's. No one left me, I stepped out and away.

I made a whole plethora of bad decisions this year. Many of which I regret, but there's no use dwelling on them, because every bad decision leads to a lesson learnt. Then you move on.

I tried so many things this year. I went from one end of the spectrum to the other, without stopping to 'balance' things out. They just all went out of hand, all out of my own hands.

(This blog entry is sort of like a 'blaming ritual' for me. Today, I'm feeling particularly introspective.)

So many ppl have tried to help me get through transitions, get through bad decisions - but I either ignored them, or tried to reconcile logic with feeling, but feeling always overwhelms me.

Do you remember a time when the truth ran free

Birth of a song, death of a dream

Closer to the edge

I spent the last few days in hall, bunking over at Charlene's cause of 9am papers. One night, I actually spoke to God again, after such a long long time. I just cried like a baby, and no advice was given. I don't blame Him - it's not like I would have listened.

How the idea of fun corroded life to such an extent, I will never figure out. What I gotta figure out is how to get my life back on track, once I've finished having my fun.

One day, I'll grow sick and tired of everything. And the old Nal will be back - changed, more mature, and more learned to the things around her. One day, I promise.