My mum actually told me before that I have to sort things out with you. That we need to sit down and talk it out. Because if we don't, our relationship is always gonna have that gap in between us.
But I told her - it's up to you to decide, not me. There's nothing else to talk about that incident, I've said all I've could and I've apologised all that I can. There's nothing else I can do. All I can do is pray that we both learn from this and move on.
Like I said, I'm not expecting that you get over it in a flash, or even over a long period of time. But there's always gonna be this gap if we don't put this behind us. There's only so many sorries I can say, and so many things I can do to make it up to you. The mental block that's incapacitating you now is suffocating us. I can only sit back and watch as you battle this by yourself, because now, there's nothing else I can do.
No matter what I've done, no matter what I've said, no matter how much I've changed - I still love you, and I still wanna marry you. I'm no longer the sweet innocent 15 year old girl you fell in love with, but there's no way on earth that noone changes. We make mistakes, we learn, we move on. It sounds so easy, but when we're dealing with emotions, it takes a toll on the human spirit and disintegrates human relationships when mistakes are made. Learning from it is one, but moving on is another.
I don't know what has been happening, but since last Saturday I've been thinking abt the incident too. I spoke to Shimin about it and almost broke down. I got so messed up inside that it messed me up on the outside too. I was ready to just leave everything of myself behind and move on to a new (and supposedly happier) life. But the one thing I couldn't leave behind was you. No matter how hard I tried and struggled, you're the one thing in my life that remains a constant. Even when I kicked you away, you never left me. That says alot about character.
You're the one I want to be with, you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you baby, and if this is something you want to do, I'll be behind you every step of the way. I never want to lose you again.
As for that douchebag, I don't give half a fuck about him. He ruined me, he ruined us, and that's something I will never get over. I don't forgive, neither do I forget, because in this whole thing, the one person who loved me the most got hurt the most even though he did nothing wrong. My heart aches when you tell me you have nightmares, when you tell me you see his face every time you kiss me. No one else can ever compare to you baby. You're the anchor of my life and the chicken soup for my soul.
I wanna marry you, have children and spend the rest of my life together with you. It breaks me that you may not want that anymore.
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