So, I haven't blogged in a while. There's been alot going on lately, mostly bad stuff, and right now I'm at my breaking point.

After going through forests and forests of guys, it all comes full circle again. The same two guys who tore me apart, and sent my life spiraling down. Who knew karma would come and bite me in the ass one more time, by the same two people who hurt me the most 9 months back?

I realized one thing - noone will be happy with me. Whether in a relationship, in a family, or even in friendship. I may be dubbed "Little Miss Sunshine" or "Smiley", but nothing hurts me the most than knowing I will never be put first on someone's list.

I've been living a lie for the past few months, thinking that he's somewhere out there, that guy who will shower me with happiness and hurt me to know that I will grow and be a better person, yet never leaving me when I need him. Apparently, that guy doesn't exist, and I doubt he ever will.

Like they've said: I'm an awesome friend to have around, but a really really sucky girlfriend. I honestly couldn't agree more. It's my lifestyle, the way I think and behave, my priorities in life, and basically everything that I am.

I may be one of the most cheerful, funny and nice ppl around, but that doesn't make me beautiful in anyone's eyes. It's something I have to get used to, something that I have to learn to grow into. And hopefully, by the time the right one comes along - he'll shatter that image once and for all. But for now, I'm gonna have to learn to live by one sentence:

I keep my heart lockdown.

You won't affect me, and you won't influence whatever I do. I am in control of my feelings and emotions.