I don't know if it's more predominant in girls, or it's just me. Looking back at the friends I've had in my past - both the close and distant - makes me feel like I'm alone.
I scrolled through my contact list a while back, thinking of who besides Glenn and Dom I should ask out for supper. So many ppl went through my mind, but in the end, I didn't call anyone.
Like the article said, a sense of "awkwardness", "things will never be the same again", all hit me straight in the gut. Friends that were there for me when I was going through that phase, I can single one or two out who were genuinely there for me, but ever since I came back from Aus, I haven't contacted them, haven't spoken to them, and haven't cared about how their lives have been.
It's all going to end, soon.
I can risk losing a lot of things, but never my relationship, my family and my friends. Right now my relationship and my family are all good, but friends, let's just say there's a whole lot to mend.
Maybe giving up drinking narrowed my "friends list", but hey, it's how I really found out who were true and who weren't. And like Ming said, "All you really need are those ppl who never judge you for who you were and who you are." I don't need drinking partners, I need ppl who accompany me to anything, alcoholic and non-alcoholic activities.
I may not be the most interesting person in the world, and I will never be. When I'm out, I tend to be on the quiet side, except when drinking is involved. Things happened in my life that made me talk my emotions and problems out, but now that I'm happy, I find noone to share that happiness with, except Ming. I've had the pleasure of having so many ppl by my side when I was down, but now when I'm 'up', there's no one around.
Having friends is always a gift, never a given. It's how you treasure that gift, how you constantly feed it, and how you polish it - to a point where you know that even if you guys stop talking, you know they will always be there for you.
I looked back at a "relationship between" my friend and I a few days before on Facebook. How much things have changed. How awkward we are hanging around each other now. How I've heard story after story about how he/she talked about hanging out with me (not in a bad way, but just sharing experiences). I don't feel backstabbed, I just feel hurt, that ppl who I treasured never saw the way about me. I guess, that's when I backed off, and isolated myself from friends, even genuine ones.
Maybe it's because I have an intimacy issue. The moment someone tries to get close to me, I push him/her away, because I don't like ppl getting all up in my shit. Distance issues, I guess. I never liked BFFs or anything that close, perhaps because I never liked people coming to close to me. A defensive measure on my side, I presume.
But right now, it's time to look for those ppl who I've missed out on. NK, NR, CM, LT, SH and heaps more. Sydney can wait, Singapore is the now.
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