(:

This was the fastest recovery ever.
Thanks to Bryan, and of course,
GOD
for making me stronger and giving me strength to fight the good fight.

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon the cross
Great is your love poured out for all
This is our God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Sovereign king rescued the world
This is our God

PRIDE (revisited)

Vanity (Pride), the mother of all sins.

Wong, Ben and i were talking for almost 3 hours at Broadway over dinner, touching on so many issues about God and Christianity. At the end of the fellowship, i really received revelation after revelation from whom i call my 'spiritual starters'. :D

We spoke abt the brokenness of King David, Knowledge vs Wisdom and the effect of expectations of God's future on us and over-moralistic religious Christians.

Almost everything, in the end, boiled down to the always forsaken pride and humility.

What struck me the most was something that Ben said:
"When you receive the love and salvation of God, there's no need for church elders or spiritual leaders to tell you this and that, what to do and what not to do. There's no need to be outwardly pious and yet unfulfilled on the inside. When the Holy Spirit falls upon you, the cleansing is automatic and your old man is stripped off bit by bit."

Sometimes as Christian, we become so moralistic and judgemental, as though we are better and more morally upright than other ppl in the world. And because of that, we judge them for what they wear, how they behave, and push for our views to work in their lives.

As Christians to non-believers: There should never be an element of judgement because we were all once like them. Sinners, but called to repentance. How we got to be Christians was because a Christian did not judge us or criticize our wrongdoings, but rather, loved us and brought us to the Love of Christ.

As Christians to other Christians: We found this to be a greater problem now. ): Moralistic expectations stem from the root of judgement. A moralistic Christian expects other Christians to be like himself, to "blend in with us Christians", when God has made as all to be unique. There is no "correct attire", or "proper behavior", it's not by the works of what the person does, but rather, by the condition of his heart. To judge others is to set expectations or compare, and of which is founded on pride. When one is proud, one is oblivious to the exact Word of God, and will judge a person, or even a whole church, by how they dress and act. Which is quite stupid, really.

There are so many things i wish i could type here for future reference.
But of course, there's no time and i need to go study ):
Hopefully, the Holy Spirit will remind me of our conversation in due season (:

And it was really weird praying in the middle of Broadway. Haha!

Breakdown of the Meltdown

Rev Mike Connell was really awesome today. (:
The Spirit of God was so tangible, that when i went near the stage, i started to tremble uncontrollably.

Thanks to those who msged me to ask me what's wrong. I'm alot alot ALOT better now :D

Thanks especially to BRYAN YEO, who treated me to expensive lunch! Heh (:
And since i've been studying for so long, i'll just chill tonight.

I only write poems under extreme circumstances

Her face buried in soil
Lamp shining from Hell above
Smell of printed blood and time
Slipping away

Tons of soil
Bred from keyboards and
Fruitless knowledge
Eaten to disappear

Unseen maggots eating away
Flesh not heard
Help
Unnoticed, turned away

Choked with tears
Leaving that tinted land and
Onto the ledge
Step over. Breathe.

The Irony of Education

Going through pre-Famine Camp, i realized the benefits of education. That without education, a country (and its citizens) will remain impoverished and underdeveloped. And going through the activities, education can get you a higher wage :D

All these changed once i started doing my work.

Education has made me sleepless and breathless. It has induced stress-migraines, and many many sleepless nights thinking of how to solve that damn equation. It reignited my "vulgar vocabulary", and to prevent myself from screaming a whole slew of them, i scribble down all the obscenities that are hammering to get out of my head on a piece of paper. It has brought out the worst side of me - the dominant, irritable, and insane side of me countless of times. And right now as i type this, i'm so tempted to just scream vulgarities at the top of my voice, or at least type them down. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
This may seem exaggerative to some, but to me, education has made my life a living nightmare. At this rate i'm going (at only taking 4-5 hours of sleep every single day), i'll either go crazy or flunk my A Levels, or both.

**************************************************

Today was the first time i cried over doing tutorials. Ionic Eqm tutorial to be exact. Back in secondary school, i never really cried, perhaps teared when nearing exams or i couldnt do something no matter how hard i tried. But now, no matter how hard i try, i cant complete a single tutorial (with 5 questions) in 4 hours. Damn (don't highlight) fucking failure. I can't save my own ass in A Levels now, and it's starting to get really hard, cause i cant catch up with my ongoing syllabus, and i cant do the past chapters too. To add to that, it's not just ONE subject, it's every fucking subject. I have no subject that i am perpetually good at. Right now i really feel like giving up and not taking my A Levels cause i know i cant do it. Not at this rate. I don't have the time, and i don't have the IQ to catch and apply the content faster than average ppl. I can't even memorise for God's sake. Sometimes it really makes me wonder whether God made me stupider than most ppl, and i really wonder why He opened so many doors that were not meant for my kind. I regret, i really regret for not concentrating in J1, but now it's really too late. I can't do anything now, but race through pass the gullotine, praying for the slight chance it wont fall on me. But when it does, i'll pray for a clean decapitation.

:D

It was sad yesterday, but today,
IM GLAD IT'S OVER.

Things That Piss Me Off (Part I)

1. Doing Integration By-Parts at 1am, and not managing to get the correct answers.
2. Doing By-Parts and someone else asking me stupid questions.
3. Someone telling me that church is taking too much of my time and im gonna fail my exams cause im spending all my time at church - so therefore i should stop going to church (AND HONESTLY YOU SHOULD STOP BURNING INCENSE, it makes me nose clog up).
4. Someone telling me that Bryan is taking up too much of my time and im gonna fail my exams if i dont stop going out so much with him (AND YOU SHOULD STOP WATCHING SO MUCH TV).
5. Someone telling me that my mum is spending alot of money on tuition on me and how much my parents are going through to put food on the table without me asking them for more fu-ing money to finance my tuition (AND YOU SHOULD STOP PLAYING MAHJONG).
6. Someone nagging at me abt all those above.

My mood is really gonna f-ing explode.

If all these bother you too much,
Then leave me alone.
I'll quit studying since im using up too many effing resources (why dont you add in the fact that i gotta study in air-con so the damn electricity bills are increasing cause of me huh?)
What the shit. I'm so pissed off now that i just feel like shouting the f-word at her.
UUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

LEAVE ME ALONE R-TARD.