The past week has been quite a down for me. There're a lot of bottled troubles and hurt that I never had the chance to release, until the recent days, when I fell sick and people who were concerned about me asked, and in med-delirium, everything just came spilling out.
Now that everything's less bottled up, I feel more comfortable sharing my problems on this public blog.
The first thing that hit me hard was my breakup with Bryan. Those close to me know that it's been off and on since we 'officially' broke up. We still went out, watched movies, behaved like a couple, pretending we were together. But beneath the tranquil surface, it was all shattered and nothing could be repaired. Something we both knew, but couldn't find the guts to talk to each other about.
And all these time, I really hoped there was a remedy. A hope that we could still be together, regardless what he said to me, what he did to me, and what girls he was seeing while going out with me on the side. It was stupid, but I was happy just being with him. I didn't mind being second class, someone on the side, to accompany him when he was bored or when he needed a place to stay. In that situation, I placed myself beneath what I was worth. I still texted him, even though he didn't reply, and in one message - I still typed "Love you baby, goodnight (:". It was a fantasy, a figment of my imagination I was holding on to. I didn't mind being taken as the backup, as long as he was happy, I was happy.
But deep down, I was broken, very sad, unsatisfied. I always felt like I was of worth to him, because of our 4 years together, because of the promises he made to me. Even if he couldn't fulfill them totally, a slight portion was still all I wanted.
The turning point came when I accompanied him to poker night. As per normal with the poker gang on Saturday. I was alright at first, because everything seemed part of the routine, as if we were still a couple. But as the night wore on, uneasiness started to sink in. I went outside Nick's room (where they were playing poker) to cry a few times. I felt that being degraded from number 1, to number 2 or 3 wasn't how I was supposed to be treated. At that point in time, his phone ran out of batt, so sitting outside, I texted him one final text.
"Hey, I know you'll probably only see this when you get home. But I think from now on, we shouldn't see each other anymore. I think that I deserve someone who treats me like the best, and not something that he can have at his beck and all. I may not live the best lifestyle now, but I definitely think that I need someone to treat me like I exist, and not a shadow in the corner when he's with someone else. I'm not the best gf, nor the sweetest girl, nor the best wife-to-be, but I do need good ppl in my life. You think you are one, but you don't know how much hurt I feel when we're together. I'm better than that. And I hope you find your happiness. Thank you for everything, but I no longer want to be someone dispensable. And, I think you should treat ******* better. Every girl deserves the guy to tell the truth to her. If she's not the one, don't lie to her and yourself just because you need someone to be there with you. She deserves more and you deserve more as well. Don't jump from one girl to another, you'll end up hurting ppl and yourself as well. I hope you take my advice on acct of our history. I will always love you, but from now on, I can't let myself be vulnerable to you anymore. Bye Bryan."
That text tore me up so badly when I typed it. But regardless of the consequences, I sent it.
In honesty, I actually met Bryan one more time. It was an impromptu meeting, with no agenda and no plan, because I had work in one hour's time. Before we parted ways, he broke my heart one more time.
N: Hey, on your birthday I'll be in Australia. Do you want me to call or Skype you for your birthday?
B: There's no need for that.
N: Hmm why? I mean, we've been spending our birthdays together for the past 5 years.
B: It's alright. To me, you're nothing more than a ghost from my past.
For the first time, I cried during DN briefing. I was so hurt, and if you guys know me, I make it a point never to cry in public. Grief spreads, and I hate to see ppl around me sad as well. Besides, it's one hell of an ugly show.
For now, Bryan has made it a point to hurt me time and again, saying things to me that degrades our past relationship, making it seem that it never existed. I was never someone impt to him. But it's alright, I'm trying to move on from him. It's gonna take time, and that's why I'm so happy Australia is finally here - a holiday is the best way to get over a failed relationship.
The second thing that hit me hard was my family. For the past half a year, I've been on a rebelling stage - staying out late, sleeping late, drinking, smoking, and basically everything that a rebellious teenager would do. One reason for that was because of my family. Every time my dad was home, I would argue with him. It was something so common that my mum told me once - "When daddy's home, you stay out better. At least got peace in the house." And so, I did. I stayed out, didn't want to go home, didn't want to see my parents till they were asleep. Plus, my dad sleeps late, so I made it a point to stay out even later than most normal people do.
Recently, my parents were arguing. About work, about me, about money, about responsibility - and my dad suggested getting a divorce. To me, I've witnessed my dad's temper, throwing things around, shouting vulgarities, and basically being a wildman. I ran out of the house once to meet Dom after one of my dad's serious temper tantrums where he thrashed the master bedroom, and I just sat at East Coast Park with a pack of cigarettes and an ice cream cone, refusing to go home. Dom just sat there, accompanying me till I felt that it was safe enough to return. That happened a month of two ago.
One afternoon, I actually woke up to shouts and screams from the house. My door was locked (whenever I sleep), and when I listened carefully, it was my mum screaming at my dad. I haven't seen her lose it like this for a long time, and I knew it was a lot of bottled resentment and frustration about his nitpickiness, his sudden anger. Living with him was like living in a minefield. He said things about me behind my back before, stuff that degraded me as a daughter to him. And at that point in time, they were on the brink of a divorce. I was emotionally neutral towards it, because honestly, I felt that it was a better solution to both of them. My mum packed her bags and called my brother to pick her up to live with him. All this time, I stayed concentrated on nothingness on my laptop, useless rubbish to numb whatever was going on. For parent's problems, children have nothing to say or interfere, their happiness banks on solely both their shoulders. Seeing this, I made it a point to leave the house whenever I could - to party, to work, to drink and eat dinner with friends, just because I didn't want to stay home.
Then the tables turned on me. My dad, seeing that I come home late all the time, bicycle chained the front gate so I couldn't enter the house without the code. Out of resentment and pure rebellion, I didn't text any one of my family members where I was. I refused to answer their calls, and refused to reply any of their texts. I wanted to not give a shit about what they thought, because if my dad could do that, obviously he didn't want me home. So he asked, so he received. I bunked over at two different friends' places for two nights, going home only in the afternoon to shower and rest. My siblings stood with me on this (not 100%), they disagreed with my dad chaining the front gate. I made no effort to care whether they were worried, or angry, or anything. To me, I am 20, I am a young adult, I can take care of myself. When there's a will, there's a way. Being unaccountable for my whereabouts was wrong, but as long as I returned home safe, there shouldn't be any disputes. Besides, what environment do I return home to anw?
But something happened. I came home in the afternoon after bunking over at a friend's place, and locked myself in the room. My parents came home, and after a long chat over the phone with my sister in the early morning and my mum in the late morning, I thought it would be diplomatic to apologise to my dad (This always happens. Not my fault, but just apologise.). I went downstairs, found my dad, hugged him and said sorry. He burst into tears (not even joking, he literally cried). He said he was worried sick, and that worry turned to frustration and anger. I promised him to always account for where I was, and return home slightly earlier (:D).
For me now, it's all a work in progress. WRT relationships, family and everything. There isn't a solid pillar in my life I can lean on but myself. Hopefully, this trip to Australia rejuvenates me, so I can start the next half of this year on solid ground, and not mistakes.
There are many problems that I have inside me, but these two are the main ones and the ones I am willing to share. Problems with boys, friendships and such all exist as well, but they pale in comparison to these two. Unless you are really close to me and I know you to be non-judgmental and tight-lipped, it's highly likely you will never find out what these things are (: Hopefully this clears the air as to why I drink, smoke and club so much. Not saying that it is advised or that it solves anything, but at least I get to enjoy nights where I am carefree, and take care of people who are going through what I've been through.
Oh man, I feel like an older sister now.
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