Insomnia

I can't sleep at all, haven't slept well the past few weeks thinking of stuff, resulting in awesomely large eye bags and dark eye circles.

I even look older now (according to Glenn) cause I seem so jaded.

I can't sleep thinking of whatever happened, and wishing you were lying right beside me watching at me sleep, wishing you to be here so that I can talk to you if I can't fall asleep and vice versa, to hear you snore (even if it keeps me awake).

When I saw that msg, my heart literally stopped and I immediately felt like puking.

It hurt me like fuck. Seriously. This screwed up feeling where your heart aches and you feel like you've been stabbed continuously for ten billion times and the open wound is just left to mould and rot.

Gawd, I think of you every single day. Whenever I get a phone call or a text I pray and hope that it's you, even if it's to tell me to get lost and fuck off. But it never is.

I've given up on praying, hoping, and having faith, because they all seem so useless now. "Just like the lady with the magic ball, 50-50".

For the first time, I'm trying my hardest to tell you something, and you're running away. You didn't even turn your back, you just fucking ran. If I chase, you're just gonna catch the plane and fly off to somewhere where I'll never get to see you again, and I don't want that.

I've gotta settle my issues first before implicating you. I wanna tell you my 'grand master plan' but you're just too pissed off to give a shit. Guess you're jaded from counseling and advising me so profusely when I wanted to hear but didn't bother to listen. It's alright, and I understand.

So, I'm letting you go - because I don't want to let you go.