Forgiveness

On one of the most important days of my life - you weren't there.

This moment, when gone, will never replay. It'll never come back. It will never happen again. Even if you came on Sunday, it'll still be different.

When everyone was having a happy celebration on Sat night, I was on the rooftop of Tampines One crying my heart out. Because of negligence - sheer, raw negligence.

When I received the text before service started, I walled up my heart and my emotions again because I didn't want to look sad during graduation. I didn't want to feel hurt, or neglected, or disappointed. So I just didn't.

It's quite easy, actually, to clam up your heart.

After service, when everyone was celebrating, my emotions started getting the hold of me. I didn't feel like celebrating, I didn't feel like it was worth it. My 6 months went down the drain, just because of your absence. Like I texted you, I wanted to bask in the after atmosphere, but I just couldn't.

And right now, although I said I've forgiven you, I'm still hurt. If I didn't forgive you, we'd be caught in a limbo of no solution. Because there isn't any reason, no excuse, for what you did, or didn't do.

On a supposed happy day, I still had to settle issues. And I thought six months of torture was enough.

Graduation

So that's it. I've officially graduated from the School of Theology, class of 2010.

So much of me has changed in 6 months, and I've really had my eyes opened to a much bigger picture and a much bigger world.

Reflection On My SOT Journey

(It's the same one on Facebook, so skip it if you've already seen it :D)

As SOT draws to an end, I feel inclined to reflect upon my personal journey throughout the past six months - the ppl I've met who have become a strong motivating factor in my life, the life lessons I have learnt in school and the experience I have with God in classes, have all defined who I am. The Nalina you see today isn't the same as the one who've met six months ago.

The past six months haven't been easy for me, and I knew the 'trouble' I was gonna get into from the very start. But going through it and experiencing the magnitude of SOT, the pain, the daily crucifixion, the emotional rollercoasters, the misunderstandings - was a totally different story.

Right from the beginning, there wasn't any sponsorship or funding for me. Working late nights in between classes was physically exhausting. Financially, I was tight to the neck and worried about how I was gonna live with about $180 a month for everything. Relationally, I had problems with my family and with my bf. I broke down countless times, and I felt that I couldn't make it to graduation. Truth be told, from June to early Aug, I experienced the worst bio-psycho-socio-spiritual meltdown in my life. Everything just walled up, and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, not even God. I kept making wrong decisions, and I was just a door away from leaving SOT.

But in times of crisis, those who came through for me, came through for me. Their prayers and intercession moved God's heart to move in my life, and I started making better decisions again. God sent ppl to encourage me, to pray with and for me, or even just to lend a shoulder to cry on.

Now, as graduation draws near, I want to thank those who've gone through such a tumultuous six months of endless counselling, saliva wasting, and also joy spreading for me.

First up, Team 18.

Thank you for being so awesome. To see you guys every day in school is a blessing. And although I take it for granted sometimes, you guys were always there to update me, to contaminate me with lessons and experiences I missed. Without you, SOT would just be dull. Thank you for cheering me on when I was BVing for the first time, thank you for celebrating my 19th birthday, thank you for improving my Chinese by leaps and bounds. I love you guys (:

Next, SOT BV.

You guys may not know this, but the biggest character change God has blessed me with came through you all. I never dared to hold a mic to sing (except in karaoke), and I kept my 'talents' hidden underground, because I was afraid of what others would say. My confidence and boldness grew from my experiences with you. Whenever I see all of you, who even with little experience, sing and give your all during p&w, it motivates me to do the same. I used to sing softly during cg, now I'm always like screaming the song haha! God gave me this newfound confidence through you guys, and I'm so thankful for that. Thank you for all the joy fun and laughter, the horrible squashed car sessions, the initially awkward and nerve-wrecking lessons with Sherlyn, and all the little secrets of holding a mic to sing. (Look at lyrics, sing parts, jump jump, smile even when you're panicking, listen to your voice from monitor, look at lyrics which suddenly change to Chinese, BREATHE, swallow saliva cause throat very dry.. and repeat) It's amazing how one p&w session can be extreme exercise :D

Lastly, the friends whom I've made in SOT. Thank you for your smiles, no matter how small or large, silent or expressive they are, they matter alot to me. They are what keep me going, keep me loving, keep me laughing.

It has been life-changing.

Good morning SOT! (:

And goodbye, SOT.

It's so surreal. I'm a Bible School graduate. 0.0

internet killed the video star

There're just so many things to do, so little time.

I wonder which are the things that are worthwhile, and which are those meant to be thrown away and abandoned. Prioritising, they call it.

Nonetheless, here's the list of things to be done in the near days/weeks:

1. Rehearsals for SOT grad performance

2. Assignments (OMG headache)

3. Online matriculation (I can only do so on Tues to Thurs which are super busy days)

4. Hand in my tuition grant form at the NTU office (How could I have forgotten right?!)

5. Ordering my MACBOOK PRO online, with my matric card for a student price (Booyah!)

6. Theology and Romans exam on Tues. Dear God, help.

7. Jamming with Weixiang and Cornelius for Homecoming

8. Apply for my student concession

Dizzy yet? Cause I am.

Just for the fun of it, here's a really pretty peekture of me. Insane, that glow.

Now I'm kinda missing clubbing. Haven't been to one in like, a month or so (since Aga's birthday which was eons ago)? I really feel like going, but I can't be distracted, not now.

Plus, this gives my body more time to detox before I embark on uni :D

HOMECOMING = FREE BEER + ICE CREAM!

Egggg-citingxszxs!

Lotsa things are gonna happen in the next few weeks.

First up, I'll be performing for SOT Graduation! Singing/dancing - I dunno, we'll just see how everything goes (: We're finally graduating, after 6 long agonizing months. I've yet to hand in my assignments and do my sermons, but I'll definitely get them done before I enter uni, don't want any backlog and commit suicide when the stress hits.

Second up, I'll be performing for WKW's Homecoming! Gonna discuss the deets with Weixiang tmr when we meet :D Deffo singing, but what song?

Third up, COSMO OUTING TMR! TEEHEE YELLOW SHIRTS UNITE!

Fourth, baby's booking in tmr. Block leave's over ):

Fifthly, there's gonna be WKW D&D too. Seriously, so many events, so little dresses.

Sixthly (I've run out of counting numbers), baby's going to Brunei in about a month's time. It kinda sucks, but well, life's like that with a chiongsua boyfriend :/


Last but not least, here are a few pics from my Tioman trip with Bryan :D FB pics are privatized. (cause I don't want ppl to throw up their lunch hee :D)

Coach there


Mersing Ferry Terminal


Boat ride there

RAMLY RAMLY!

Freakin' tourists. Tsk.

Next time, I'm bringing the DN crew there. :D

Nightly view (:

Sitting at the jetty. Really burnt ):

Bryan was fascinated. I was grossed out. He took this picture.

Bye Tioman Island! ):

Ferry back home

And here comes the best part:
Apparently the company screwed up or something, cause Bryan and I were supposed to take a 44-seater back home to Singapore.

Guess what came?
A 25-seater bus.

And guess what?

IT WAS EMPTY! BOOYAH! :D

We had the best coach ride home ever. No need to wait for other ppl to check through customs, and the whole coach belonged to us - slippers in between seats, chairs reclined all the way. Yayz.

As I blogged earlier, I really wanna go back to Tioman Island. Boring as it may look and sound, it really brought lots of rest to my soul and body. Can't argue with that (: Being there with the best person in the world helped loads too :D

I'M YOURS (:

Happy 45th Birthday!

Land of the Free, Country of the Fine :D

No matter how stuffy your trains are, how artificial your beaches are, and how kiasu your people are (me included), I still like living here, really (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

BACK! :D

I'm back from Tioman, can't upload any pictures cause I can't find the cable. Boyfriend left me at home to rot alone while he went clubbing with "the guys", so I'm bored to death while the rest of my family are at Genting (and other miscellaneous locations).

Tioman was absolutely refreshing. Beautiful, relaxing, wonderful - just the break I needed. There weren't exactly the best facilities, and I didn't get to go snorkeling (or even get a massage), but just soaking in the lifestyle and the whole atmosphere did wonders for my soul. Awesome Ramly burgers and stingrays (which epicly pwn 85). Yumxszxs :D

After the trip from Tioman, I'm charred, burnt and crispy. Good thing is, my eyebags are finally gone! (YIPPEE) (: The whole trip felt so surreal like a scene out of Inception. When we entered Singapore, we were greeted by shitty customs and the horrible stale air of public transport. Babe even got a headache the moment he stepped onto the MRT. At home, I was hit by the barrage of messages flooding my phone, which I am still too lazy and zonked out to reply. I really don't like it here. ):

I miss Tioman.

Choice

I'm so scared now.

I'm living a life of fear, just waiting to be found out. I'm scared all the effort I've put in have gone to waste, that people start to believe what I did wasn't because of others, but for myself.

It never started out that way. And I never planned for it to end that way either. I never wanted it all to be about me and my problems.

I wanted to help others, to shine a light and guide them out of their darkness. But what I did was plunge my whole self into it.

Do I regret? Right now, yes. But in the near future, maybe not.

I honestly wish I could speak to you now, because I feel that what we're going through is the same confusion. I want to know how you feel, think and what you're doing to help yourself. Nothing, something, or exactly what I'm doing - hiding?

I need a mental break.