Truth Be Told

Dinner with Glenn was surprisingly revelational (Haha Glenn I bet you're reading this and going :D :D :D).

Initially, I thought what I did would hurt only one person.

Then, I thought that instead of hurting that person, I hurt the other two instead.

Now I realise that all 3 are fucked.

Glenn's right. I have to make a choice. Now, I'm just making people (including myself) miserable with my double-mindedness and inability to make choices because I'm scared.

I'm scared I make the wrong choice, I'm scared of leaving things behind and moving forward, I'm scared of change.

I'm not happy, but in that process of finding happiness - I screw other people up as well. Which makes me not only a retard and an idiot, but a mofo too.

Basically, I just epitomised stupidity and numbness.

I've gotta think things through clearly, and Glenn, thanks for telling me things that really helped.

Sometimes the pros and cons can be weighed out, but to what extent of judgment can you weigh them out? And how do you know which pro outweighs which con? What if there are 10 cons and 1 pro? Does that necessarily mean you should follow through?

Help me. I don't want to lose you.

Strip it all away
I'll be alright
Take what you want
Steal my pride
Build me up
Or cut me down to size
Shut me out
But I’ll just scream
I'm only one voice in a million
But you ain't taking that from me

LOL

The funniest MV I watched so far this week is Nelly's "Hot in Herre" (I was just youtubing MVs for my 'childhood' hits :D).

Towards the end of the video, the roof catches fire (duh right, cause it's 'hot in herre' -.-), the DJ stops playing and he's like "HEY HOLD UP, THE ROOF.. THE ROOF.. THE ROOF IS ON FIRE."

The crowd looks and him, and goes:

"THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE! WE DON'T NEED NO WATER LET THE MOTHER----ER BURN! BURN MOTHER----ER, BURN!"

I literally LOLed.

Just thought you'd like to know.

You're In Ruins

Like you said, I have the answers right in front of me, on a computer screen.

I just have to click "yes" or "no".

But I keep moving my mouse cursor around in circles. I can't make up my mind, even though I know the consequences, even though I know what's going wrong.

I just can't decide.

I just can't say no.

I've been using the excuse "it's in my character" for too fucking long. Even if it really is in my character, my character can change, and it has. Maybe, just maybe, the old Nal is just waiting to burst out like a fairy princess, to sprinkle magical dust over everything - and everything will be back to normal. But we all know - fairy princesses don't exist, monsters do.

You make sense, you really do.

Let me tell you something, I'll do anything for the one I love. I'll quit anything and everything, just to make that person happy. A person cannot motivate me to stop, the love a person has for me motivates me to at least try.

I wanna be the perfect person for you. But I've already made mistakes that I can't rectify. When I say I want to try everything otherwise I'll regret it later in life - you come around and hit me hard on the head with a hammer to wake me up. It's not like I didn't know earlier, I just forgot that sometimes, when ONE mistake is made, your life is gone.

Trying to cross a traffic light when it's red - you may regret if you don't ever do it in your life. But that small trial could result in your death.

Trying smoking - you may regret if you never tried. But that one time could get you hooked, and before you know it, lung cancer. Then, it's time to regret when you realize what else you could have done with your money, time and your life.

I understand, I do. Now I just gotta decide.

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

School Scmool

Recess week is ending, and I haven't gotten down to my assignments yet. COM203 and HL101 - why must you torture me, why.

There's also a COM203 quiz next Friday (which I'm so dead for cause I skipped 1001 lectures on that module - I know, not the smartest thing to do).

I've been working every single day this week, and I'm really happy with where I am now. More emotionally controlled, less retarded in my thinking, and less emo. I enjoy cashiering alot (cause I don't need to take as much shit from customers), but at the end of every night there's just so much money and credit card bills to settle and account for. It's taxing.

Nonetheless, when it's time to leave DN, I think it'll be really hard for me to. I really love it there, but as time goes, I'll have to move on as well. If I'm able to get 3 to 4 tuition kids by next sem, I'll leave DN, most likely for good.

Right now I'd rather not think about relationships. I don't want to give people trouble, and the only person I want to hurt and give trouble to is myself. I care for people too much, I know, but this is just part of who I am.

Like I said, life already sucks, why fuck it up for others as well?

Heartless

Maybe it's cause I've been away from you for too long, and I've numbed the feeling of missing you. I've locked myself up cause I don't want to feel anything, and I've turned into this emotionless creature with a default happy face (hence the nickname "Smiley"). I do what I do so I can occupy myself while you're away, and when I keep doing what I keep doing, it becomes a lifestyle, a habit, something that I can't get rid of.

Now that it's all walled up, when it's time for me to take it out, I just can't.

I've grown used and accustomed to leading a psuedo-single life, such that when I have to make time for you, I can't handle it.

It's not like we haven't been through this before. But this is much worse. Much much worse. It doesn't help that I'm swarmed with shit the whole day and with no one to express it to or text, such that I bottle everything up and when it's time for me to talk, my character tells me to forget about it cause what's passed is past.

I'm fed-up and tired.

To quote a friend:

"It's just damn tiring to wear on a smile to everyone sometimes."

It's hard to pretend that everything's okay.

If it's love,

We are young
We are strong

We're not looking for where we belong

We're not cool

We are free

And we're running with blood on our knees

This past week has been absolutely torturous for me. Being deceived and having to pay the consequences for a bad judgment of character wasn't worth it.

I've learnt my lesson, and right now I'm trying to do damage control. Picking up the pieces and moving on. Like an overused analogy: After a glass shatters, even if you piece the pieces back together, it'll never be the same piece of glass again.

Because of what happened, I'm behind on my schoolwork. I don't have the effort and the energy to bring myself to sit down and concentrate, because countless images just come flooding back. Nonetheless, we all gotta move on, and the solution is not to mope about how stupid I was, and how I let it come to such a stage. I have assignments and midterms coming next week, and after that will be recess week. I'll work that entire week to clear my head, to make sure that my "awakening" is solidified.

After talking to a whole shitload of people and drawing out my own conclusions based on answers to questions I personally asked, I can't redeem what I did, and I can't make up excuses for whatever happened. No matter how jaded I am, no matter how tired I am of being asked what happened, I just hope that noone I love will ever go through this. This is gonna be a mark on me, and this is gonna be testament to good life screwed up by one's own hands.

I have honest feelings. I love wholeheartedly. In a span of a week, I witnessed both the ugly and deceptive side of love/lust, and the true manifestation of agape. Love I don't deserve. Love that I want to hold on to for the rest of my life. Love that I once thought could never exist in people. It gives me hope that I was scared of, and still am. But it shows me wonders.

Rock Bottom

A few years back, I thought hitting rock bottom was breaking up with Bryan.

A few months ago, I thought hitting rock bottom was picking up vices and leading a double life.

Last night, I found out rock bottom was way lower.