WKWSCIFOC

It's off to camp I go.

I'm a little apprehensive, yet excited at the same time. The last time I went for a camp (not actually to orientate freshies, but to play) was 2 years ago. Since then I became an OGL myself and A Levels crawled past. I got myself a job, boyfriend went to army and I enrolled into SOT. After that, the rest is still unwritten.

I still thank God I can take a break from makeup for the next 3 days. Happy :D

See you guys soon! And Team 18, take care on your mission trip! I'll miss you guys! ):

i love the way it hurts

Emo after emo post, but let me just get something off my chest.

Truths and lies that coagulate my brain, my thoughts and my feelings. I feel numb to so many things and so many people now. I'm getting used to hiding secrets from the people I love and treasure, and I distance myself away from them because I don't want them to see who I really am. Because if they did, there would be irreversible consequences.

I thank those who really make an effort to find out what's wrong with me and how I'm behaving, but I really can't say anything now. It has nothing to do with God, it has nothing to do with people, it's all about me and the decisions I choose to make.

Right now, the only person who can see through me and shares my confusion (but not my turmoil) is Bryan. Sometimes, that's all I need to pull through. I'm sorry I abused your trust.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's alright because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and watch me cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie. I love the way you lie.

Goodbyes ):

It was just insane last night at DN. We celebrated Achily's birthday, drank our hearts out to Amit and Nikki, who are both leaving us on Fri, and watched Germany vs Spain. What a wonderful night (: A jagertrain spanning table 23, vodka+sprite+corona=yums, tobaso+corona=ugh. Woke up with a mild hangover and an awful taste in my mouth. Spectacular.

I also met my WKWSCIFOC camp seniors there, who happen to frequent DN for drinks. Talk about a small world :D *waves at seniors*

Above everything else, I just wanna say: Love you Amit & Nikki! :D Pls come back soon to see us! Loves <3

there're no happy endings, but you are the greatest thing about me

Tonight, I'm gonna rush through some of my SOT assignments. Yes, I should have rushed through last week, but well, if you know me by now, I always hug a giant statue's leg at the last moment.

This week in SOT has already proven to be insane with Pastor Mike Connell. People jumping, screaming etc, makes you wonder if you're really living in the real world, cause you can't actually see see what's going on, you just gotta know that people are being set free by faith. I can't wait as the week progresses, I know it's gonna be more and more exciting as the week passes on.

Right now I'm revisiting some of the things that used to make me happy. Playing with my guitar, channel-surfing (although my mum took away my Nickelodeon and Disney Channel *sad face*) and eating random food (social night is a week away heh :D). I wouldn't say I'm really happy, but at least now I'm doing more things that relax my mind and body.

Monday at work was quite relaxing, compared to last week (slammed on both Wed and Thurs). We played BINGO! because the whole place was just quite empty. I went back home from work feeling more recharged from just hanging out (:

I also found out my orientation group for FOC - COSMOPOLITAN! I have to apologise to my OGL though, I thought his name was Johan/Zohan (LOL)/Yohan when it's actually Zuohan. And I'm hard of hearing on the phone so he had to repeat his sentences multiple times ): SORRY!

At the end of the week we're gonna send both Amit and Nikki off. Everyone's going overseas (sigh), and I can't send Amit off cause his flight is at 9am. I'll miss screaming at him on the walkway during busy nights. SIGH. As for Nikki, I'll see her off at the airport at midnight (:

So many things happening in the next few weeks! Can't wait! :D

(:

Haha, Sihui said that I was acting emo in my previous post (: So now, it's time to talk about happy things :D

Things have been really bad the past few weeks, tons and tons of worries and burdens, so let's think of the happy(ish) things that are gonna come my way.

Number 1: WKWSCIFOC!
If that's a mouthful, it's just Orientation Camp for my course coming up next next week!

Number 2: Bryan's Social Night!
Hopefully it'll be an awesome night!

Number 3: Bryan's block leave!
We're planning to go overseas, probably to Malaysia cause it's cheap, but we gotta decide where to go and how much to spend.

Sometimes I just want to tell people what I'm going through, especially to those who are really really important to me. But now is not the time. I need to overcome and conquer before letting people know what I'm going through, or by then, what I've been through. But if I don't get past it, I know these people will stand by me no matter what decision I make. They'll most probably just feel disappointed, but I know I won't be judged. Let's just see what happens this week in SOT, who knows by this time next week, I'll be set free (:

That's it Nal, keep up the bright attitude.

For SOT now, it's assignments neverending. Insane insane. I'm gonna conquer it all by this Friday, I promise myself!

To Bryan: Don't give up (: I'll be here waiting till you finish Scorpion King. I love you! :D

Someone Like You

I missed you terribly today. I see couples everywhere, especially girls holding the hands of their boyfriends with shaved heads - and it makes my heart ache. It's so painful every day of the week when you're not around.

I have full confidence in you getting through army. But I'm struggling so hard to get through army. I thought it would be easier - tough, but manageable. Apparently it's not. I thought my heart would be stronger, but it's not. I haven't spoken to you for so long. And I'm so scared you're angry at me for doing what I did, for what I find hard to control of. I know you're not, but my conscience is eating away at me, and I need you to hold my hand, look me in the eye, and tell me you forgive me. I miss you holding me in your arms, and the loving silence that speaks to my heart.

I know I'm supposed to be strong in God, and not feel so dependent on you, but like I said to you before: You're the highlight of my week. When things get tough, you were always there. Through O Levels, A Levels, arguments, work, disagreements and stress, you were always the one to tell me to make time for myself. After 3 years, I'm still not letting that sink in.

I'm still struggling. Please come out soon.

Y'know that I could use somebody

It's so difficult without you here.

I'm so tired and frustrated at every aspect of my life now. Be it SOT or work or ministry - whatever. I'm just so so so tired of it all. But the hardest thing happens when I can't see you, I can't talk to you, I can't hug you, and you can't reassure me that everything's alright, because everything's not. You're tired as well, army regime and all, and I can't be the one to comfort you or understand how you feel. I haven't heard your voice for the past three days, and it's been so tiring at work, shitty customers night in night out. I'm so tired just thinking of the assignments I have yet to complete for SOT, the time I have to wake up every day and the time I get to sleep every night. Worse of all, you're not here to tell me to hold on, be strong, march on. Because I'm just drained and frustrated by everything.

I just want to run. I want to run.