It was only just a dream

The old adage goes:

"It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."

I hate that phrase.

When you never love, you never fill that emptiness. You'll never experience what it's like to be filled with an emotion that turns you topsy-turvy, carries you to new heights of ecstasy, brings you to a mountain where clouds fill the bluest sky you can ever imagine. And you'll never pine for that experience again.

When you love and lose, the resulting emptiness is accompanied by nothing but pain. You'll never reach that mountain again. And knowing you'll never reach that mountain makes you lose faith, hope and love - for yourself, for others.

I would rather never have loved at all.

I did so many wrong things. So many that you don't recognize me anymore - I don't recognize myself anymore.

While I was with you, I was thinking of someone else. My heart was overtaken by someone who didn't love me as much as you did. Maybe it's complacency, maybe it's just a breath of fresh air, only time will tell. When you said "I love you", I didn't respond. I didn't know how to - because I don't know whether I'd be telling a lie, and the last thing I wanted to do before you left was lie to you.

You don't know how sorry I am for being such a bitch, for being a player, a liar and a cheater. It was never your fault, I just lost myself, and I lost you along the way.

I say with all my heart that I loved you. You never gave me a reason not to. You understood what it meant when you love someone, you have to let them go. You cut me free, and I appreciate that. I was never a believer of fate - but if fate wills us, we'll be together again. This sounds all juvenile and fantasy, but I can't be sure of what happens next. All I know now is that no one will ever love me that way you did, and even if they did, they'd have big shoes to fill.

Reading your fb wall posts, I thank God you have such awesome friends. They will be there for you the same way I was there for you - to make you laugh, to cheer you up when you feel sad. You're an awesome man, you deserve only the best, and the best isn't me.

I regret having my heart and mind overtaken. But this only shows the strength of my character, which isn't very strong at all. You'll move on, I promise, to someone who will never hurt you the way I did, to someone who will love you more than I did. I promise.

This is it

So, this is it.

We had a good (almost) 4 years together, and now we have nothing but memories to live by. I thank you for everything you've given me and everything you've taught me. We didn't break up because of an argument, or because we can't stand each other anymore - we separated because we both knew it was the right thing to do.

Thank you for spending this one last day as a boyfriend with me. I really treasure whatever you've done and given. Your stuff - well, let's just say I can't bear to throw them away or return them back to you yet. They've been with me for so long, it's as if they're already mine. It's as if you're still mine, and I'm still yours. But we both know that's no longer the case. It's a matter of getting used to, and sometimes, when you're so used to something, you're numb about your feelings towards it, that you don't even know how you actually feel towards it anymore.

I still love whatever we had, I still hold on to our beautiful memories. But for now, this is goodbye. We'll still see each other, somehow, for lunch, dinner or just a movie, because you'll always be a part of me that will never go away, you shaped me.

You're the best boyfriend, and any girl will be lucky to have you. It was just your bad luck to have met me, someone who can't treasure what she has.

Bye.

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hold on, don't be scared.

I need you to show me what this song says, cause I can't seem to understand what it's telling me.

Today

Today, I cried while thinking of you.

I miss you so much, so much that I'm hurting, knowing that you're completely out of my reach - knowing that you probably don't ever want to see me every again. So much that you're even willing to quit your job if rumors get spread around too much.

I'm so scared now. One moment I feel like I'm in a stable relationship, the next moment, a question pops up in my head and you refuse to answer it. You escape and you don't answer, knowing that you're 1909 miles away from me and you can take your time to think up of one. It scares me to think that you're hiding as many things from me as I do from you.

I can't handle the pressure. I can't handle the jealousy or the extra stress that's being put onto me.

I'm being so honest here because I don't know where else to turn to.

When I tell others about what's happening, I put up a strong front. Like everything's okay and I'm thinking rationally like a mature adult. But behind that strong persona, I'm still a little girl. I want to be assured, to be safe in someone's arms.

I want to decide but it's really hard, because I don't have all the pieces I need for the puzzle. I'm so scared because I don't have the ability to see the big picture, regardless how far I step away from the situation.

I don't know who to lose now.

You say good morning, and good evening
The day is done, and you've come to find
The words are fleeting, I hear your quiet breathing
Is something wrong?

You come on two knees, with more than two needs
Finding that it's all too easy
To be helped and found
You slept and he said

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home

Daylight's coming, the sun is blazing
New beginnings seep into you
But in the end it's distant shadows
That finally overwhelm your senses
And this time around
Is it love that you crown?
And this time around
You'll be more than who you are

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home

Could you find yourself a way back home?

It is in you, to carry on
It is in you, to lay down fears that hold
It is in you, to find your way home


So beautiful.

Brokenhearted

I finally spoke to you for the first time today.

Although, it was nothing personal. Work is work.

I may be thinking too much, as if I am the centre of your universe and nothing else - but pls stop putting misleading statuses on Facebook. It makes me wonder whether we still have a chance, which I'm not even sure I want or not.

I'm still so confused about everything.

It's complicated when feelings are involved. That's because feelings screw up our logic, and we succumb to what we feel, even when we don't really do. And if we do, it defies all logic. So, what makes sense - logic or feelings? Which screws us up all the more?

I wish something would just hit me, so I can stop thinking about all this.

Yea, it's plain to see

That baby you're beautiful

And there's nothing wrong with you

It's me, I'm a freak

But thanks for lovin' me

Cause you're doing it perfectly.

Awkward

I don't know how I can handle being with you, in the same place, at the same time. Sure, work is work, but then again, I tend to allow my emotions to get a hold of me. Like today - man, it was awkward (at least for me). I know you totally didn't feel shit, and that's the way it's supposed to be, especially since we're in the same environment, standing right next to each other, or right in front of each other. My gawd. I honestly didn't even dare to walk in and make my milk tea.

Since Halloween there's been nothing from you. Not even a text, an email or a call. I feel so left behind. But whenever I feel like calling you, I think of what the old Nal would do - just wait.

So I'm left waiting.

And I'm left missing.

I wonder if you know.

Seeing your fb status, I really wonder if it's about me. I wish they were, but the things I've heard from others make me think otherwise. I'm really tired of waiting for "the right time", because how the hell do we know when "the right time" is?

We never do.

If it isn't about me, then go ahead and move on. I was never actually in the picture anyway. I could never be, because the reason is clear-cut - I don't love myself and I don't care about my own happiness. Don't keep me waiting for something that doesn't actually concern me and my life. Whatever you're waiting for, it may come soon, by the end of the month. Now, I want to focus on making myself happy, whatever it takes.

I don't even know how to break this to you.

Insomnia

I can't sleep at all, haven't slept well the past few weeks thinking of stuff, resulting in awesomely large eye bags and dark eye circles.

I even look older now (according to Glenn) cause I seem so jaded.

I can't sleep thinking of whatever happened, and wishing you were lying right beside me watching at me sleep, wishing you to be here so that I can talk to you if I can't fall asleep and vice versa, to hear you snore (even if it keeps me awake).

When I saw that msg, my heart literally stopped and I immediately felt like puking.

It hurt me like fuck. Seriously. This screwed up feeling where your heart aches and you feel like you've been stabbed continuously for ten billion times and the open wound is just left to mould and rot.

Gawd, I think of you every single day. Whenever I get a phone call or a text I pray and hope that it's you, even if it's to tell me to get lost and fuck off. But it never is.

I've given up on praying, hoping, and having faith, because they all seem so useless now. "Just like the lady with the magic ball, 50-50".

For the first time, I'm trying my hardest to tell you something, and you're running away. You didn't even turn your back, you just fucking ran. If I chase, you're just gonna catch the plane and fly off to somewhere where I'll never get to see you again, and I don't want that.

I've gotta settle my issues first before implicating you. I wanna tell you my 'grand master plan' but you're just too pissed off to give a shit. Guess you're jaded from counseling and advising me so profusely when I wanted to hear but didn't bother to listen. It's alright, and I understand.

So, I'm letting you go - because I don't want to let you go.